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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stories of families falling out over a will or possessions

63 replies

whattheactualfuckery · 30/08/2018 01:07

Not an AIBU, just looking to hear stories of either you or someone you know, who has fallen out with family members over a parents will. I'm going through this at the moment. It's bloody awful.

OP posts:
mrsnec · 30/08/2018 09:54

My Stepmother threw my dad out of the house after he was diagnosed with cancer. He was living in a caravan when he was going through chemo.

I was estranged from my father at the time but he was trying to make amends before he died.

He was also trying to divorce her. He died before the paperwork was filled. He left me quite a lot of money in his will.

Stepmother contested the will and won. I still got a bit but nowhere near as much as her and I fell out with the executors a bit as I felt they didn't fight hard enough.

It was hideous. I am still bitter over it and my heart goes out to anyone going through it.

Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 30/08/2018 09:58

When my DGM died, my parent and their two siblings agreed to meet at her house the day after the funeral to sort out her possessions. My parents arrived as agreed only to find the house empty. Turned out that siblings had arranged for removers to empty the house while everyone was at the funeral.

Torridon19 · 30/08/2018 10:11

In Scotland, by law, the children must at least receive a third of the estate between them, minimum. Doesn't matter if they fell out decades ago - that's Scottish law. So - no offspring get cut out of will, even if parent(s) want that to happen ....

SharpLily · 30/08/2018 10:26

My uncle had one daughter, as far as I was aware. Aged about 30, at a family party, I was informed that my cousins A, B and C would be attending - I asked who the hell they were as I didn't have any cousins named A, B and C. It turned out I did - they were my uncle's children and his daughter was actually his stepdaughter, who he'd taken on as his own as a baby. When I met these cousins we had friendly conversations where I expressed amazement that I'd never met them or known about them, and they were very clear that this was because they'd fallen out with their father and kept their distance for well over 20 years by now. I repeat, they were very clear that they hadn't seen him once in all that time.

A few months later the same uncle was dying. He went into hospital and then a hospice. For years the daughter I knew had been looking after him and it was understood that she would inherit his house and a reasonable amount of money - she was wealthy and didn't need it particularly, but under the circumstances she was by default his only child.

While he was in hospital the other three turned up to visit him a few times and I started to hear about how close they all were, how he remembered enjoying fishing trips with A, B and C regularly over the last few years and told people how well they'd looked after him. My dying uncle really wasn't all there at this point. A couple of months later he was dead and his will had been changed to leave the bulk of his estate to cousins A, B and C.

The rest of the family seemed to have been brainwashed too. When I questioned it they all seemed to agree that everyone had made up about ten years ago and been very close since then. I pointed out that A, B and C had told me less than a year before that they had had no contact with my uncle for decades, and that was their explanation for why I had never met them. I was met with a lot of confusion and shaking heads. It seemed everyone was pleased A, B and C were back in the family fold, so to speak, and were prepared to overlook the bullshit. In front of people I questioned A, B and C about it and they said I must have misremembered my meeting with them and insisted they'd been around plenty over the last few years. I even asked what was their explanation then for the fact I had never met them until a year ago, and of course they didn't have one but no-one else wanted to challenge them about their lies.

I realise my uncle was entitled to distribute his estate however he wanted to, but this seemed to me a very clear case of manipulation of someone not in a fit state to understand what was going on. These cousins have been around a fair bit since then and I seem to be the only one who is suspicious of them and can't quite accept them.

PP2018 · 30/08/2018 10:52

I've NCd and some details as people involved in this are MNers so I don't want it associated with my normal username.

I know of someone who needed 24/7 care for the last 8 or so years of her life, care which was provided by her DS and his wife. Her DH was almost 90 so couldn't do it.

This meant DS and DIL couldn't have holidays more than a few short days away and missed out on time with their own DC and DGC as their lives revolved around caring for her.

They had 2 other children who gave no help with her care whatsoever, either physically or in offer of money to pay for respite etc. They only showed up to visit on birthdays and Mother's Day.

Fast forward a few years after she passed and her DH passed. He left his house to the DS and DIL who had cared for his wife and nothing to his other two DC. His reasoning in the will was that had these two not done what they did for all those years, he would have had to sell his house to pay for his wife's care and so his other two DC wouldn't have gotten anything anyway.

It did not go down well and the the two siblings haven't spoken to their DB since.

theWarOnPeace · 30/08/2018 11:08

lisasimpson a very similar thing happened to a very dear friend of mine in our late teens. Her DF died suddenly and they his mum and siblings (friends grandparents and aunts and uncles) contested that his money should not actually be left to his children, but to them! Turns out he’d helped them out lots financially and they fully expected to be kept in the manner to which they had become accustomed. They had the audacity to even admit this in front of them (my friend and her family)and solicitors etc. and proceeded with zero shame. They were disgraceful and instead of grieving for their much adored dad, they had to fend off vultures among their own family, and have had bad feeling ever since. People are vile!

Santaclarita · 30/08/2018 11:30

When my gran died, my aunt was straight to the house the same day to organise things to sell to get her more money. Her only, she wasn't going to share it with her two brothers. Me and my dad went too so that her and her partner didn't take everything. I managed to find some old coins that are probably worth a lot, but will remain with me only. Her boyfriend at the time, now husband, saw them and wanted them, but my uncle who was in charge of the estate said I could have them. Greedy fucker is never going to have them. We don't speak to my aunt at all anymore. She never helped care for my gran, and got her to pay for stuff for her whole life. Just because she deliberately got fat so she didn't have to work and could stay on benefits her entire life. Being serious there. She's a disgrace of a person. Kind of hope with the new system she's been declared fit for work, but I imagine she got round that by claiming her husband is her carer.

Cindersdonegood · 30/08/2018 11:31

When DH's Gran was in hospital dying the family were all in the room for a visit and DH's sister and cousin started arguing about who was getting the washing machine and tumble drier.
While gran was on a bed unconscious!!! FFS. I was gobsmacked. There were her children, hearts breaking at their mother dying and two ungrateful adult grandkids were arguing that they were "supposed to" get this and that.

DH's Gran had 5 kids (4 sons one daughter - my MIL), However, one son went to live in the US years ago and because Gran was receiving benefits but had savings, my MIL who had been left with ALL of her care was asked by DGM to withdraw and send about £500 a week to the brother in the US to "keep the money safe". That went on for years.

You guessed it. Come the time to split the estate, that money didn't exist. MIL, despite being the poorest of the siblings and the one left to do all the caring was expected to pay for the funeral tea and everything else. The brothers just gave her a hug, said "thanks for sorting this" and left. She had to chase them all up. To this day she heavily suspects that her mother would have approved of what the sons did because she was awful to MIL. She was the type to buy sweets for the grandkids that she liked but left certain ones sitting there with nothing. I'm not a huge fan of my MIL tbh but she could be really nasty and didn't care if I or anyone else was there to see it.

FlamingoLass · 30/08/2018 11:39

When my grandmothers funeral ended, we all went to the drinks send off...apart from two of her daughters who went to my grandmothers house and looted the place of anything with emotional sentiments before the rest of the family could sit down and do this together. It was nothing to do with money but it was so hurtful, awful timing, and felt like robbery.

FlamingoLass · 30/08/2018 11:42

^ Just to add, even before the funeral, one of those said sisters had my Grandmothers wedding rings. She had to be told to get them back on my grandmother before the funeral. I later found out at the send off that my grandmother had always verbally said the rings were to go to me. Whilst I would have rather she was buried with them i was still like Shock

thegardenfairy · 30/08/2018 12:04

Following as I am going through this at the moment. I have to go and care for my sick now but will be back on tonight.

I'm the meantime can anyone with experience of having joint power of attorney with a sibling who refuses to show you statements of incoming and outgoings please post how you dealt with this. Thanks

Talcott2007 · 30/08/2018 12:07

There will no doubt be a massive fall out when my DGM eventually passes - its been brewing for years and years between by DF and DAunt and its heart-breaking to see all the stress it's put on my DGM to 'take sides' - we are not even rich so its ridiculous particularly how my DAunt is behaving FWIW I'm not just being totally biased about the situation as my DF hasn't exactly been without blame for some of it but to give anymore detail would be massively outing!

Licketysplits · 30/08/2018 12:14

Not personally but I used to work in a role that meant I oversaw the distribution of company death benefits and potential beneficiaries' behaviour in some of the cases was absolutely shameful. Death and a sniff of money brings out the worst in people.

Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2018 12:26

All these sad stories demonstrate how important a cast iron will is. If you have the courage tell people whats in it. Make it as absolutely fair as possible, no favouritism. Personally, I don't want any levelling out for any reason. It just makes for resentment. Make it clear and share. I get angry when people see an inheritance as their "right" and it's their money. It's not, it's a gift

JayDot500 · 30/08/2018 12:37

Urgh. My dad was the only one who wanted to split the money equally. But one of his siblings (out of 5) felt he should have gotten more because he lived there. He paid no rent/mortgage or put any money into the upkeep of the house after the death of my grandparents so he had no leg to stand on for wanting more than his equal share.

Argument ensued. We are all estranged now. I'm even estranged from a few cousin's.

Life is actually a lot lighter tbh Grin

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 30/08/2018 12:40

Great Aunt 1(GA1) went into residential care towards the end of her life, arranged by Great Aunt 2 (GA2) somewhat against her will. She had enough money to pay for people to care for her at home for the time she had left.

During that time GA2 was caught in GA1's home "checking on things" by GA1's boyfriend.

After GA1 died, GA2 submitted a list of jewellery that "was hers" (happened to be an exact list of all of GA1's jewellery) and then when the will stated that she would only get a nominal amount of money the same as her niece (my DM) and the boyfriend inherited the bulk of the estate she decided to contest the will as she was the "sole remaining sister".

She didn't get very far though, as the solicitor rang DM who duly informed them that GA2 wasn't GA1's sister, she was actually also her niece and therefore no closer a relation than DM. It was common knowledge within the family so how she thought nobody knew it anyone's guess.

She also managed to steal my GM's mantle clock at her wake. She was a real piece of work.

P.S. Daily Mail and all other Journo's can get to fuck Wink

CrumbsInBed · 30/08/2018 12:48

In Scotland, by law, the children must at least receive a third of the estate between them, minimum. Doesn't matter if they fell out decades ago - that's Scottish law. So - no offspring get cut out of will, even if parent(s) want that to happen ....

That’s a fair law in my mind. Would be good if could be extended to the UK as well.

BertieBott · 30/08/2018 12:55

I heard of relations who cleared out the house while the others were at the funeral

Whitney168 · 30/08/2018 12:55

In Scotland, by law, the children must at least receive a third of the estate between them, minimum. Doesn't matter if they fell out decades ago - that's Scottish law. So - no offspring get cut out of will, even if parent(s) want that to happen ....

That’s a fair law in my mind. Would be good if could be extended to the UK as well.

Not sure that it is in my mind. Why shouldn't parents have the opportunity to leave their money elsewhere if they have been treated poorly by some or all of their children?

Various examples here of families where one sibling has done all the care, and the others have just rocked up later to collect the money - all power to PP2018's example of someone who left all the money to the husband and wife who put their lives on hold to care for his wife when she needed it!

Lucisky · 30/08/2018 12:56

My mother bought her adoptive mother a bungalow when she became infirm. She had other children, but none of them showed any real interest in the welfare of this elderly lady. She died quite suddenly, so my mother travelled the 200 miles to sort things out. When she got there, within 12 hours of the death, the entire house had been stripped of posessions by other members of the family who were close by, including all the stuff my mum had bought her to make her life easier (washing machine, vacuum cleaner - this was nearly 50 years ago). My mum never quite got over the shock and surprise of walking into a virtually empty house.

Andro · 30/08/2018 13:10

I inherited from a few people, I was still a young child when they died. The wills were rock solid, there was no way of circumventing them.

When I turned 18 my mother demanded (not asked, demanded) that I sign over at least 2/3 of my inheritance to my twin brothers - the same twin brothers who she sent me away so she could spoil them without concerning herself with me - and who had not been born when the people in question died. My father went ballistic with her and made it clear that she no right to make such demands.

I've inherited a (very) substantial amount since then, the letter explaining why I was the sole beneficiary made for very unpleasant (if personally vindicating) reading. I'm not certain my mother's blood pressure has recovered yet...and this happened 5 years ago.

Money brings out the best and the worst in people.

EnglishRose13 · 30/08/2018 13:26

My grandma had a lot of jewellery. Some of it worth a bit, some worth next to nothing. Her plan was for myself and my auntie to go through it and divide it between us (as a way of bonding as we are not close!) once she died.

When I was about 15 I pick out a particular ring that I wanted. Apparently my auntie had always wanted herself. Grandma used to say we'd have to fight over it!. She mentioned this to me several times over the years.

My grandma died when I was 24. At her funeral my auntie tried to get me to wear a really garish piece of costume jewellery as a tribute to my grandma. I asked what she was planning to wear herself. She was wearing the one ring I'd asked for and claimed my grandma had given it to her years ago. I know this isn't true.

The sad thing is, I didn't even like it anymore and if she'd asked I'd have told her to take it. Her going behind my back and stealing really hurt and I hardly speak to her now.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 30/08/2018 13:32

andro
That all sounds intriguing!

Yes cast iron wills backed up with letters if neccsary.

I don't agree with Scottish law at all.

Yes it would make life easier on one hand on the other my cousin and his dad never got on, cousin attacked his dad, when my aunt died cousin was in charge of estate and buried aunt in the cheapest way possible.
Uncle doesn't want a penny going to his son he goes agaisnt him with every part of his being

DieAntword · 30/08/2018 13:37

My autistic brother lives in the family home with my parents who still wait on him hand and foot (incase you can't tell, I disagree with that approach to his "issues"). When my parents die the house will be left to us. I have told him I will have it sold and then we'll split the proceeds. He has told me "I guess I just have to make more holes in the walls" (it already has many of his rage holes in it).

Yeah brother dear, that won't mean I won't sell it, all it means is you (and I too of course) will get less money for it when I do.

But that's not why we fell out (that was more down to when he decided to start making up absurd allegations about my husband, who had never met him before, because he was frightened of the changes that me moving out were bringing to his life).

EssentialHummus · 30/08/2018 13:50

I was disinherited - when I was very little a childless aunt told my parents that she'd planned to leave her (modest) flat to 2 cousins and me. She sadly died when I was in my twenties, and had changed her will to leave the flat to just my cousin.

This in itself was fine - I wasn't close to her and wasn't counting on the money - but the rage that has ensued since from my mum (her sister) about "what I did" to her and how I'd better be nice to my grandparents if I don't want them to cut me out of their will.... Sad

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