to expect Mr Right to break into my house?

[Gavlaaar]

Saw a meme today which (paraphrasing) said:

All of these single women complaining about being single when they never go out. Are you expecting him to break into your house?

quite amusing, but rings very true to me. Lone parent of a 3yo, been single for 2 years. Am 25, so am quite young. But I have nobody to babysit really, and no particular desire to go out without my kid. I could probably get somebody to babysit once every month or two, but that's not exactly ideal for a budding relationship, is it? Plus, I'm a homebody. Not sure I can be bothered genuinely quite happy single, but don't want to be single forever. I'd love to meet my soulmate, but the effort of making it happen seems massive. I might just be burnt out from lone parenting/ uni/ working. Not sure.

But, if I don't ever go out or meet new people (there's work I guess, but still, limited babysitting opportunities if anything did develop) how will I meet my future DH? Am I destined to lone wolfing forever?

Like I said, I don't feel that fussed atm. Never had a massive sex drive. Wouldn't want my DD to have a SD that wasn't absolutely amazing and odds on wouldn't disappear after a few months. I'm pretty set on that, which I think is the thing that sets me apart from some of my peers. My DDs dad is a wanker and I guess I'm scared to start something with someone who she'll grow attached to, and then they'll leave. My main objective in life is to provide her with a stable and secure childhood (to prevent the mental illnesses she's more than likely inherited from her dad manifesting). There's nothing more important to me. But then, if I could be with an amazing man who would be a brilliant father figure to her and a lovely companion to me, that would be the ideal. But it's so much pressure and slim pickings! I'm not exactly pretty either, but I wouldn't say I'm horrific. But don't get much male attention. Though I'm not sure I'd want it - it makes me feel very awkward for the most part. Just mention it as I haven't got a wealth of eligible batchelors at my feet. I am relatively clever, likely to be quite financially successful, very kind, a good parent, and quite funny. Though how much that means in this generation 🤷🏽‍♀️

Dunno. I want to have my happily ever after; I just can't manage the logistics/ can't be bothered to force my way into it. Will it just fall into my lap one day? 🤞🏽

My friend, LP with DC, one with SN, said the only way she would meet someone is if he walked into her house.

She is now engaged to the man who delivered her new cooker.

Everything is possible.

*My friend, LP with DC, one with SN, said the only way she would meet someone is if he walked into her house.

She is now engaged to the man who delivered her new cooker.

Everything is possible.*

The young Tesco delivery driver did park my car the other day (newly passed and not great at parking yet ). I said to my sister I should have asked for his number, and ask him for some parking lessons

Without knowing your situation I imagine you might be able to afford a babysitter and maybe be able to trust a paid babysitter more as your child gets older? Perhaps now is not the time for you but that doesn't mean you haven't got years ahead of you to meet someone. Enjoy being a mum for now if that's what makes you happy.

You sound like a great person, unwilling to settle for anything less than you and your daughter deserve, and totally not up for playing mind games or wasting energy on nonsense.

I think the kind of partner you want is likely to notice those things and find a way. You’re in no tearing hurry and your daughter won’t be tiny forever, plus you never know who you might meet on an ordinary day.

Ooh just read your tesco update. Make sure you book the exact same time slot as last time.

Haha, I will. Though still crossing my fingers for GS himself (guilty pleasure).

You're both right. I'm in no rush. A couple of years ago I would feel so lonely and worthless alone, and go back to my horrible ex. Now I'm really contented with my own company, and me and DD doing our own thing. It would take somebody bloody amazing for me to allow to be a part of it tbh

I'm just scared that I'll be sitting on this sofa (well hopefully a nicer one in a nicer house, but you know what I mean - to a PP, I'm still pretty poor now but have good prospects now I'm graduated) in 10 years saying the same thing. I'm lucky to have time on my side, and I know people tell you you can't be in a truly healthy relationship without being happy by yourself. But is there such a thing as being too happy by yourself? As OLD makes me feel sick, I cba with small talk with strangers. But I want to get married and have more kids one day.

There's just so many barriers in the way:

I can't really be bothered.

I'm quite shit at small talk, and dating. I'm a grower any relationships I've had have been after a friendship. I'd 100% be shit at OLD. Plus I get cringed out very easily.

I spend all day working, all evening studying and any free time I have I spend with my DD.

My only proper relationship was massively abusive, where I feared for my life. I've done the freedom programme and read LB, but still scared of this happening again.

I wouldn't want my DD to grow attached to somebody and for them to leave her, like her dad pretty much has.

Unthinkably, I wouldn't want her to come into more direct harm (some of my friends boyfriends started staying round on the first night with their DC around, I couldn't ever do this).

I will happily put it on hold for 5 years or so. But am I much less likely to find somebody at 30, or 35? I don't want to be on my own forever, and actually I think my DD would really benefit with a SD. Though that's a lot of pressure to put on somebody and not my primary goal, obviously. I'm just saying I'm not selfish. I'd love for her to have a nuclear family, with siblings etc.

Without knowing your situation I imagine you might be able to afford a babysitter and maybe be able to trust a paid babysitter more as your child gets older?

I'm not particularly well off (just yet🤞🏽) but could probably afford £30 for a few hours babysitting maybe 3 times a month. But don't people want to see you a few times a week?

I was seeing somebody a few months ago and my mum/ dad would babysit my DD every couple of weeks, and he was really unhappy about it thinking I should leave her more. And should have let him stay over with her in the house v quickly. And also wanted to get absolutely smashed (e.g. till 5am) when I had to pick up my DD at 9am (plus it's not really my scene these days). Plus he was very pushy about meeting her, and about his parenting ideals (not having been a parent). Criticising etc. I called a stop to all that shit very quickly.

He was basically a massive dick and probably put me off men forever but I imagine these sorts of ideas (maybe excluding the latter) will be found in a lot of men between 25-35? 🤔

Presumably the single people who never go out, do go out to work. People get together at or near work - lunch times, travel and all that.

Presumably the single people who never go out, do go out to work. People get together at or near work - lunch times, travel and all that.

There's definitely nobody at my current work, but im crossing my fingers for an amazing job opportunity at the other end of the country. Hopefully I'll be marrying a kilted Scotsman in a few years

I really don't think you have anything to worry about. You have your priorities in order and I wish I was as emotionally mature as you when I was your age. Your reasoning is sound.

But no...don't write it off forever. Now is just not the right time. There are some women who just CAN'T be single (bf I'm looking at you...with another broken heart) and they end up in terrible relationships just for the sake of not being single.

But am I much less likely to find somebody at 30, or 35? Not at all! In fact, I think for many people they are at their best during their 30s.

I think that the world gives a lot of options other than:

1. stay in house at night = remain single
2. go out at night = officially ‘on the dating scene’

What about meeting people online, through shared interests? Or taking young children out in the daytime to places where lots of different people hang out (parks, music venues, zoo, cafes)? Or inviting a few people over to your house, and encouraging them to bring their (potentially eligible) mates? Or engaging more with strangers/people in your local area (at the shops, local classifieds, local choir, etc)?

Yes, having young kids (and being exhausted) are challenges, but a bit of lateral thinking will get around that, surely? Looking for a life partner at the pub/club is surely a bit narrow and old-fashioned these days?

I like that idea of Mr Right breaking in, it’s a gentle motivator to action. I’ll remember that one!

What about meeting people online, through shared interests?

I only really have mumsnet not really ideal for meeting future DPs. Not sure what my interests are (I know that sounds pathetic). My career goals are pretty all encompassing (psychology related). I'm interested in them. And parenting, and things my DD is interested in. Making sure her childhood is lovely. As a teen I took a lot of drugs and drank a lot. Now my interests are pretty much focused around my career, or my kid. Sadly I don't have much time/ interest in much else.

Or taking young children out in the daytime to places where lots of different people hang out (parks, music venues, zoo, cafes)?

We go to all this sort of stuff all the time. But how do you meet people at these kinds of venues? I'm not very gregarious at the best of times; not least with my DD. I don't particularly enjoy seeing one of her nursery friends and their mum at the park, let alone a future mate.

Or inviting a few people over to your house, and encouraging them to bring their (potentially eligible) mates?

I only have a few friends; they're mostly coupled up but their DPs/ their DPs friends often do a lot of drugs. Which I'm not interested in getting involved in. This is a big barrier tbh. Not sure if it's just my area, but 95% of my male peers do a lot of drugs. I don't want that around my child.

Or engaging more with strangers/people in your local area (at the shops, local classifieds, local choir, etc)?

I just don't know where I'd find the time! Would love to meet someone in the shops though, that would be the ideal!

Yes, having young kids (and being exhausted) are challenges, but a bit of lateral thinking will get around that, surely? Looking for a life partner at the pub/club is surely a bit narrow and old-fashioned these days?

I think maybe if I had childcare on tap, it'd be a lot easier. I probably still couldn't be bothered, but I'd have more motivation. As it is, my parents babysit quite a bit through the week so I can work. It's taking the piss to expect them to do more than once a month otherwise. One of my friends would probably do once a month too. But people want to meet like 3 times a week, in my experience?
*
I like that idea of Mr Right breaking in, it’s a gentle motivator to action. I’ll remember that one!*

Yes, please get the word out. It's my only hope

I met my DH whilst I was a single mum to 4DC,we've now been together for over 12 years and married for over 7 and we now have 5DC.

I met my DH online,we started off as friends and chatted online and on the phone for 6 weeks before we met up and we'd been dating for quite a while before he met my DC(I knew all about him by then,about his upbringing,his family and his friends and I'd met his parents)and as first I introduced him as my friend.

He knew from the start that going out all of the time wouldn't be possible for me,my adult niece and 1 of my adult nephews would babysit now and again and my Mum babysat a few times(she didn't really help out before that but met my DH and loved him and wanted to help encourage the relationship)and because I was working and going to college my 2 youngest DC were in a private nursery and my DH worked shits(as a Police officer)4 days on 4 days off so some times we were able to go on a date in the day whilst my 4DC were at school and nursery.

It can be done,I won't lie it does take some planning but honestly we've changed each others lifes for the better and the DC's life,he is Dad to all of our 5DC and when I lost my Mum and Dad I honestly don't think I would have got through it without him and it hit him hard as well because my Mum and Dad really loved him and he really loved them and another bonus is that me and my DC have gained a whole other family from my DH's side.

I really don't think you have anything to worry about. You have your priorities in order and I wish I was as emotionally mature as you when I was your age. Your reasoning is sound.

Thanks for all the lovely comments like this, btw. Have had my arse handed to me many times on MN, and have learnt a ridiculous amount on here (been explaining to my best friend about the whole trans thing tonight); feel like a proper grown up to be somebody you all approve of

@ohtheholidays what a lovely story, thank you. Sounds a dream to me tbh. Maybe this next year I'll focus on my career and where it will take us (geographically). Get some confidence weight wise etc. Then be brave and start thinking about OLD. I would love what you guys have, if I'm honest. It's just the awkward icky getting to know each other stage that makes me want to hide under my kitchen table

I know what you mean about the icky stage I'd been single for 4 years when I met my DH and honestly I took 1 step forward and 4 steps back all of the time but he was really patient and understanding thank God.

Like a PP said you sound like you have your priorities right and you sound so much more mature than I did at 25.

Pfft, you'll move to Scotland and meet someone no problems. It sounds like you have your head screwed on, last thing you need is a druggie DP like your mates!

Pfft, you'll move to Scotland and meet someone no problems. It sounds like you have your head screwed on, last thing you need is a druggie DP like your mates!

Tell me about it. They keep trying to set me up, and I'm running out of ways to politely say 'I'd rather die than be stuck in my bedroom with a newborn while my DP has a session with his mates in the kitchen'! Been there; my child and I both deserve better than that shit.

I hope so. Got a thing for a Scottish accent, Scottish humour and a kilt, I can't lie

I never met anyone when I actively went out & socialised. I've always met people at work or online. I'm a home body too so found 'looking' exhausting & not for me.

'm running out of ways to politely say 'I'd rather die than be stuck in my bedroom with a newborn while my DP has a session with his mates in the kitchen'! just say it exactly like that?

I’m 31 now and was super lucky to meet the right person 10 years ago so haven’t had to negotiate proper grown-up dating but what I would say is my male friends who are single or recently coupled-up now are all/have all been in a place similar to yours: enough experience to know that if it’s not brilliant it’s not worth the bother, keen to meet an equal, not wanting to play games and ready for something deep and real.

It also sounds like you’re a relatively new graduate (well done: can’t imagine being a mum and doing a degree - doing those things separately is knackering and hard!) so as your career develops you’ll meet all sorts of new people through work.