My neighbour is a pain in the arse

[ProfessorMoody]

Just moved into a new house and the next door neighbour seemed OK. After a few weeks though, she's beginning to really annoy me.

I'm disabled and the house has been adapted for my wheelchair. When we moved in, she pushed past us at the door, insisting on looking at the adaptations and whether they were "good enough". We thought it was quite rude but that she was just trying to be nice.

Every, single time I go into the back garden, she sees me through the window and literally RUNS out to discuss whatever issues she has. She's quite passive aggressive in the way she tells me how she hates animals (we have dogs and an indoor cat), how the old next door neighbours never kept the garden tidy, how often we should cut the grass, where we have to put our bins, the weeks we have to clean our windows etc. It turns out that there are no such rules - it's all maintained as I'm disabled aside from cleaning up after the dogs which is obviously our responsibility and dealt with immediately by DH. She doesn't like the smell of our disinfectant though.

If we go out to the car, she runs out of her front door to see where we are going. She tells us that we need to open our blinds as the last people never opened their blinds and she didn't like them. I don't open them because they are vertical blinds and let masses of light in without me having to open them. I suffer with severe migraines and too much light hurts. I've explained this but she said that we're letting the street down and are making ourselves look strange.

I'm a polite person. I don't want to piss her off, but her incessant drivel about things that are nothing to do with her is really starting to annoy me. DH doesn't want to rock the boat, but AIBU in wanting to tell her politely to butt out?

I have PTSD and it's making me anxious. I was excited about moving here because we now have a garden, but I can't go out there without being accosted and it's really beginning to annoy me. I don't want to be told off about my blind opening habits and I don't want to feel on edge going out to our car waiting for her to run out and confront us with another problem.

How do I tell her nicely to leave me alone?

She sounds like a busy body, but I read your post and wondered if she's lonely

“I prefer to do it this way” on repeat to everything she says, become a broken record.

She does sound very obsessed though, does she have any additional needs to explain this?

I wouldn’t be polite about it personally but I get irritated by things like that. If you don’t say something soon though it’s just going to be more difficult to do so in the long run.

kitkatsky

I think if she was lonely she’d make more of an effort and not be so rude and PA.

This woman sounds like my worst nightmare. I'd just want to be left alone. Is she in the same type of accommodation as you? is she there because she is disabled? Is there anyone else you could speak to about her rather than directly to her herself?
I'd just give her the cold shoulder each time she does it, till she gets the hint. Don't get into lengthy conversations with her.

I agree with the other poster that tell her over and again “ we prefer to do it this way”

If she runs out to ask where you going

Smile sensibly and repeat “ were unable to tell you”

Use the same phrases, over and again remain polite

Can you it a high fence between her house and yours? If she starts, STOP explaining yourself to her. Just tell her you’ve no time to talk and continue on your way. You’re achieving nothing by pandering to her nonsense and just giving her permission to continue. She’s probably the reason the last people moved out.

How old is she. Was thinking mild dementia which our neighbour has.

You could maybe ask your dh to speak to her if you’re finding it hard. Re running out to the garden, say to her you’ve come out for some peace and quiet and don’t want to talk. It’s not rude, it’s fair enough. Or put up 6 foot fences. I’d be doing my very polite but very obvious shit the fuck up ‘I don’t think that’s any of your business, though, is it?” Polite smile, off you go, particularly when she’s banging on about cleaning windows/opening blinds. Letting down the street, what utter bollocks!

My neighbour once popped round to see if we were ok as the curtains had been closed for days when I wasn’t well. That’s nice neighbour behaviour. She sounds like she’s harassing you, tbh.

Mid 60s I'd say. She's not disabled, there could be MH issues though - she seems a little "away with the fairies" I suppose, like I was when I was on anxiety meds if that makes sense?

Thanks, I'll try "we prefer to do it this way" but yes, I have perhaps pandered to her a little. We had truly awful next door neighbours a few years ago and I wanted to avoid being on bad terms with anyone.

As soon as we can afford it, we'll be getting 6ft fences! I absolutely can't wait! Unfortunately it will probably be next spring now, but I don't think we have much sitting out weather left this year anyway so that's not too bad. I was just looking forward to sitting on my bench reading of an evening, but it's stopping me at the moment.

You'd never think I had a backbone a few years ago

She sounds like she’s harassing you

It does feel a bit like that at the moment. She knocked the door earlier but I'm having a bad day health wise and am laid up in PJs so I ignored.

I think I would smile back at her but say nothing - literally nothing. Then continue about your business. Don't engage with her nonsense about your blinds and your lawn-mowing.

By speaking to her when she tries to tell you where to put your bins etc you are unfortunately feeding her obsessive need to interfere whether it be mental-health related or just sheer nosiness. Don't engage - don't give her anything. Hopefully she will get bored.

I said this in another thread today:

You can say anything you like to anyone if you say it politely, firmly and calmly.

In your case I’d add, say it with a smile:

“I like the blinds the way they are”

“I’m not much interested in the old neighbours”

“We’re going out. Why do you need to know where?”

“I’m enjoying peace in my garden”

“I won’t keep you, I’m sure you are busy”

“My pets give me great joy”

“I’m reading, I’m sure you understand”

“Goodness me, what an odd thing to say”

Stop pandering to this nonsense. Be kind but firm.

Go and enjoy your garden naked - she might leave you alone then!! ;-)
Seriously, I agree with above - don't pander, just repeat your position with a cheery smile!

Major pain in the arse she seems to be.
Have you met any other neighbours.
Just thinking they may know more about her.

Oh gosh, Nona, I LOVE those responses. Thank you so much, they're exactly what I was looking for. I'll commit them to memory!

I've met a couple of neighbours but only a quick hello. I know she doesn't get on with her immediate neighbour though as she's told me. No idea why, yet but I have a fair idea

If I went I to my garden naked, I'd have no neighbours left, which might be ideal

Very obvious headphones and avoid eye contact?

Tried that - she waved her arms and literally jumped up and down until I engaged.

My parents used to have a neighbour similar to yours and mum very quickly put a stop to his bitching, bossy and PA demeanour by responding similarly to how Nona suggested. Last time he bothered he got aggressive and Dad had to physically pick him up and throw him off the property because no one was paying attention to him.

If you are polite but stand your ground or just quickly shut her down she will soon get the message. Can't imagine anything worse than being anxious going out to your own car in case she jumps on you and starts moaning about the bins or windows.

She sounds like a nightmare and very overbearing. You definitely need to learn a stock of phrases to use so she gets the message quickly.

With regard to the blinds 'I keep them closed so that nosey people can't look in'.

Bigger fence needed.
Good fencing makes for good neighbours.

She wants attention & a reaction. Smile, she say nothing & keep walking. Anything else gives her fuel. Increase the fence height & don't answer the door. If she can see in keep blinds slanted or get voile nets. IME of a totally bonkers neighbour any other tactic just escalates the weirdness.

Could you afford bamboo twig fence panels as a stop gap fence solution? Dirt cheap on Amazon.