Another chance?

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Hi wise Mumsnetters - I need advice please. More of a WWYD.

A few months ago I went on a few dates with a man. We'd spoken online for months beforehand and got along like a house on fire. The dates went well also. He's quite wealthy and very generous if that matters.

But...he then stood me up 6 times in a row, always with some excuse like he had to work, his phone was stolen, his flight got delayed. All probably valid reasons, but 6 times in a row!!!

I told him to go fuck himself and ignored him for months. We've now started talking again and still get along very well. He wants to take me on another date. I find it very difficult to trust because of my last abusive relationship with the father of my DC, but I have been single for a very very long time, and it would be nice to have somebody.

Do I give him another chance? Would you?

You're all correct of course. I shouldn't waste another minute of my time on him.

It's been nice to have someone to chat to about my day, even online, as I literally have nobody else to talk to, but he has to go.

'The DC and & used to make bets as to whether he'd show up or not lol.'

I'm sure their DM is worth more than this and they need to know it's not how you treat someone either.

Haha definitely arrange to meet him and don’t show up. Preferably somewhere he has to pay to get in first. He sounds like a real prize.

Late 40s is so young! Don’t start digging your grave quite yet, you never know who or what is around the corner.

No. I’ve been there and listened to the same excuses. It never materialized into a relationship, just many many needless excuses until I realised I was being picked up and put down to amuse him during times of boredom. I was in my twenties with little telationship experience at the time.

I was being picked up and put down to amuse him during times of boredom

We usually have our long chats online when he's on night shift and he doesn't have much to do at work.

Now, do I just tell him to fuck off again, or do I ghost him?

Ghost him. CF deserves it 👻

I’m not in favour of ghosting. It is far more satisfying to send a clear message saying you aren’t going to engage in his games any longer and have more self respect than he credited you for. Then ghost. He will respond because he has time on his hands and it is a game to him. But being the person to finish it gives you the self control and dignity not to engage any further. It is much easier to maintain no contact when you are the one who initiated it. I learned that the hard way!

No tell him to get lost and block him on the dating site

sounds like he was perhaps dating someone else and that hasnt worked out

^^this

By the way late 40s is not old and your size is not relevant. I know plenty of older, probably heavier women who have partners who love and respect them. There are men out there who actually will treat you well. Even the not texting because he fell asleep is pathetic. If he really liked you he qould be too scared to leave you hanging. It all sounds like a game he is playing and he likes to be the one in control.

Good decision, OP. You are worth more than this guy using you to pass the time.

Also, when I'm dating someone, I never EVER tell them that previous partners have treated me badly. If previous relationships are alluded to, I always give the impression that I have been treated like a queen by a succession of attentive men who were keen to impress me.

Talking about poor treatment I have tolerated in the past sends the signal (however subconsciously) that I am the sort of person who it's OK to mess around and that I consider myself of low worth. I know that it can be tempting to say "I've been treated badly, so please be nice to me" but it just comes across as begging someone to treat you nicely because you'll have no defences if they don't. It also signals that you have low boundaries - why are you confessing personal, traumatic memories to a virtual stranger?

I don't mean brag about previous boyfriends and make it a competition for the new guy to "impress you". Just that you are signalling how you expect to be treated - you don't tolerate substandard dickheads.

He sounds horrid.
Not just the standing you up.
But Mr Wealthy taking YOU out, because you “deserve it”? How full of shit is he?
What you DESERVE is people treating you and your time with respect.
I’m sorry to be so harsh - but I don’t think he wants to take you out because you deserve it. I think he gets off on the grandiose gesture of saying you deserve it, saying HE will take YOU out. He gets to feel good about himself. Ditto what you call “generosity”.
If he was genuinely a thoughtful person, he wouldn’t have dicked you about before. So I believe his generosity is show and feeding his own ego - not genuine niceness.

He sounds like a total dick.

In fact, the fb page for his late wife? I’m the one hand, I’m all: grieve how you want, there are no rules. My husband’s late wife is always present in his thoughts, he often talks about her, and talks to her at her grave every week, years on.
But... given what I’m sensing about him basically being for show... I’m a bit at his motives.

There ARE decent men out there - don’t waste a minute longer on this one. I vote ghost.

JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST
it gets worse.
He’s bored at work. So he engages with you.
You need to start to believe you’re worth more than this.

I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair .