What is wrong with me?
I am really struggling with work at the moment. I work in a reasonably small office (max of 8 people if everyone is in) and I get on pretty well with everyone. There are one or two people that I wouldn’t want to have a drink with but we get on well enough at work that there is no unpleasantness.
I only work three days a week so I don’t know if that has anything to do with anything.
Anyway, recently, I have been really struggling with work. Not the actual work, that is fairly straight forward – I’m only admin so just paperwork and stuff. Nothing strenuous.
It’s just, over the last couple of months maybe I have found myself really anxious about work. Not about going – I don’t spend the evening before in a state (I used to get like that on a Sunday at my old job, so I know that feeling!) but I find, mainly on a Wednesday, that I am nervous. On edge. I have little panic attacks – nothing major, no hyperventilating or anything like that, but just a constant feeling of panic in my chest. Short of breath.
I sat and thought about it and why it was a worry and why Wednesdays are worse than other days, and I wondered if it was anything to do with my in laws having DS2 (2) on Wednesdays, but if it is, why has it just kicked in recently when they’ve been having him on Wednesdays for over a year? I don’t like them having him (my issues) and I do feel better on Thursdays when my mum has him, but I don’t think that’s it.
Today, I made a mistake by giving out my colleague’s personal number instead of his work number. He rang me and gave me a bollocking. Fair enough, I cocked up. But now I am in a sweaty mess and terrified of doing anything because I will do it wrong. I just want to go home now.
This anxiety doesn’t seem to permeate any other part of my life. I am fine with my kids, fine with my hobbies etc. I was fine going to my in laws at the weekend which is why I don’t think it’s to do with them – a couple of years ago maybe but I’ve had a lot of therapy to make things work with them and I don’t get worried about them like I used to. Maybe it’s some kind of hangover from that though?
I am just in a place at work where I am so worried about doing stuff wrong that I am doing stuff wrong I think. I feel a little bit like I am the most expendable, probably the least liked (although that’s not to say I AM disliked, just that as I’m not there all the time, I think everyone else has better relationships), and I dunno, I just feel panicked all the time.
I have been doing some breathing exercises which have helped in the past, but after my cock up with the phone number, I am almost in tears and just want to leave.
Not really an AIBU, really, more like what the hell is wrong with me? I have tried to get a GP appointment but there is nothing available until October. And it really is only Wednesdays!