to think perhaps she's autistic

[hippospot]

My MIL. She's very distant, not chatty, solitary, poor social skills (says inappropriate things), appears unempathetic, takes little interest in her family. Remembers her grandchildren's birthdays and sends a voucher, but otherwise doesn't contact us/them more than a couple of times a year (we live overseas). When we do see her it's for an intense couple of weeks every two years or so. I find her very hard work, she doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions, sits in silence with her book, answers open questions with a one-word answer. Finds fault but rarely says anything positive.

For the first 10 years with DH I made such an effort to get to know her, sent her pictures from our visits etc, gave her updates on the children, but got no sense at all that she even liked me. For the subsequent 10 years I've stopped making an effort, and there is nearly no contact between us. I recently had a significant bereavement in my family and she didn't even acknowledge it. I am so hurt by this.

She seems to have a sensory issue with many foods and eats an extremely limited diet.

I hope I haven't offended anyone at all with my post. I just genuinely want to understand her. It's hurtful to be ignored for so long. Her other son seems to also lack empathy. No message of condolence from him either.

Maybe she does, maybe she’s just not a social or empathetic person. It’s hard and often unhelpful to attempt an armchair diagnoses (although I understand why you want to try).

YANBU to be hurt or to want a better relationship - that’s only natural. And it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that that may not be possible. But it would help you to make your peace if you could teach yourself not to expect her to play that role in your life.

I’m so sorry about your bereavement, and I hope you are ok.

sounds quite possible from what youve said

Quite possibly.

You're trying to find a reason for her behaviour that makes it "not her fault", the result of something inherent rather than from ill-will, and that's a laudable and practical way of dealing with it.

It's possible to lack empathy, in the sense of not understanding someone else's feelings unless you've experienced the same feelings yourself, but still be a "good person" who isn't wishing ill on others.

If you've come from a family which readily expresses sympathy and concern and interest, it can take all the empathy of which you're capable to understand someone from a much more closed background. It's lovely that you're trying to do this. Usually children who find empathy hard are socially excluded and it's a downward spiral from there, leading to real problems in adulthood - not only do they find it hard to relate to others in adulthood, they cannot provide a role model in this respect to their own children.

She just sounds like an asshole to me.

MereDint you're right - my family readily expresses sympathy and concern. We're an open sociable family, very chatty and all of us have lots of friends.

I have tried so hard to be sensitive to MIL's different upbringing, the fact that she's had some hard times in her life, but the relentless coldness I've received over the years has really got me down.

I need to make peace with the whole situation, for my own sake. I guess I was hoping that if I could give her a label, a condition, it would help me make sense of her apparent lack of caring. (DH seems to accept her how she is, and loves her. Though they only speak about 3-4 times a year, and this seems to be sufficient for him.)

Sorry for your loss

The bit about finding fault with peoplebut rarely saying anything positive doesn't sound like autistic behaviour at all.

If you got the sense over all those years that she doesn't even like you, it's probably because she doesn't like you. People with autism may have trouble reading social signals from others, but that does not mean that neurotypical people have trouble reading social signals from autistic people

It sounds to me like she is an introvert, has poor social skills and is and not a nice person.

I agree you need to make your peace with the situation. Sorry she has hurt your feelings so much, but you are never going to get what you want from her. Most of the time, the simplest answer is the right one. Her apparent lack of caring is a sign that she does not care.

PilarTernera perhaps you're right. I did ask DH if I'd somehow got off on the wrong foot 20 years ago and he said "I genuinely don't believe she hates you".

The thing is that I'm also a bit of an introvert - I like my own space and don't like crowds. But I am very sociable in small groups and value my friends and family hugely.

My expectations of her are extremely low but maybe I should just reduce them more.

I suspect my anger is tied up in my grief (misplaced anger)?

Bereavement brings up all kinds of feelings, you could well be right about the anger.

When my father died, I got condolence messages from all kinds of people. Some of them I did not know well at all. But they are nice people.

It is not unreasonable of you to want her to acknowledge your loss. It's not right, but it may be the reality of your situation.

its kind of you to look into the fact that her way of behaving and living might be to do with a neurodiversity rather than malice, especially since she doesnt actually appear to have said anything particularly nasty and youve also noticed sensory issues. We have generations and generations that have gone through life with undiagnosed autism. Its interesting and good that we are able to now see these traits differently
Finding fault and not seeing positives can be anxiety driven which is incredibly common in autistic women.

Im not saying youre right or wrong, but I definitely think its positive that you are looking at this as a way of making peace with the difficult realtionship with her. Its unlikely to change. You can either accept her as she is or not I guess.

The bit about finding fault with people but rarely saying anything positive doesn't sound like autistic behaviour at all.
This ^^. I find fault with myself & I don't see positives in myself so much, but I'm fine with other people. Yes they can wind me up when they break the rules but I don't go around finding fault, I'm definitely a glass more than half full person & I have too much empathy (though granted I may struggle to express it in appropriate fashion). And I can manage full sentences and waffle on.
Maybe she doesn't like you, doesn't like people generally and prefers her own company? Maybe she's just a miserable sod?

Finding fault and not seeing positives can be anxiety driven which is incredibly common in autistic women.
Finding fault with yourself, yes, with others, no.

Sounds like she doesn't like you.

I'm on the spectrum and am constantly asking people questions, because that's how I learn. I'm far more critical of myself than others.

And all this diagnosis by internet is crap. Accept that she doesn't want to play a significant part in your lives and let her be.

She could just be an introvert with poor social skills. Or she could be depressed but not realise. Or both. If she's so into books could you use that as a bridge and treat her to her favourite genre & talk about that to start some kind of dialogue? People usually react well to taking an interest in them/their passions.

She's very distant, not chatty, solitary, poor social skills (says inappropriate things), appears unempathetic, takes little interest in her family.
Why is poor behaviour and lack of empathy always being linked to autism? It's such a misconception.

The autistic people I know are all very empathic and most are tight with their families.

Finding fault with yourself, yes, with others, no

for you maybe, but getting upset and picky about others and finding personal responsibility challenging is something I have seen in quite a few autistic people. Not saying all of them.

I just think from what OP has said, autism is a real posibility. Obviously noone can diagnose anything from a mumsnet post, but yknow, it doesnt hurt to not just write people off as arseholes, when other evidence might point to an actual social communication and sensory difficulty

Thanks for all the input.

She doesn't find fault with other people as such. More often she is dissatisfied with eg restaurant meal, service in shops, the temperature, the bed, the wallpaper in a B&B ... nothing is ever quite right. Very rarely spontaneously praises anything. Nothing seems to give her pleasure, or if it does she doesn't comment.

I guess I would appreciate some recognition from her after eg planning a nice holiday for us all, choosing a gift I thought she would like, sending her photos of the children (she doesn't even acknowledge receipt).

I have tried and tried to find common ground, take interest "What are you reading? Is it good? Have you read other books by that author?" etc. I get one-word answers.

I think her apparent lack of empathy has just hit me very hard this time because of my bereavement. Seems totally uncaring.

Sorry but nothing in the latest update even remotely says autistic.
Branleuse are you actually autistic because from what you say ('I have seen in quite a few autistic people') you're not in which case you might want to take on board what the actual autistic folk on this thread are saying, cos we actually live with it and kind of know how it presents in us.....