Acrimonious divorce over 10 years ago now. Ex a game player who needs to win. I have learnt to mange him largely by ignoring him and not rising to the provocation.
Current girlfriend had been in situ about 5 years. He moved in with her before she had been introduced to our children. They have separated and moved back in several times and for a while, he saw our children at his own home and lived with her the rest of the time and she had no input. It seemed she wanted nothing to do with our children. About a year ago, they moved in together - she gave up her rental property and they rented together. There have been problems ever since along the following lines:
- small stuff including making drinks/pancakes/any food for her, my ex and her child but not our children.
- shouting in their faces that they are stupid/useless
- taking birthday money from my child that came from my family (stupidly he took it there to show as he was so pleased with it) and refusing to return it, even to me when asked. Saying it has been put in a bank account for them but refusal to prove this to them (and lots of verbal abuse about how badly brought up they were when they asked).
- having to listen to rubbish about me along the lines of my being lazy and useless (she doesn’t work, he doesn’t pay maintenance). This is often embarrassing for them because they will put me down and insist on things that happen that don’t. So for example, I am referred to as ‘just a supply teacher so she doesn’t do any marking or planning’ when the children have seen me get through 60 books the night before. Some of the stuff is downright nasty and not what children should hear. They wrongly assumed, for example, that my attending a meeting every morning was me ‘being a shit teacher and about to lose her job’ when actually what I was referring to was attending daily briefing which most teachers up and down the land do every morning. The children were worried because they realise I’m supporting them and obviously know we need my income.
- involving one child in slagging off the other two within their hearing.
My eldest child is at the point of going no contact but the other two aren’t really old enough to make that decision. They want a relationship with their dad. They don’t want to hear what a terrible person I am and/or be treated like second class citizens in their father’s home. On occasions, he does challenge her and things improved a little when one child refused to go one weekend but since then, it has gone down hill rapidly. He normally takes them for 3 weeks in the summer but has had them following his normal contact pattern. He went on holiday with girlfriend and child and told our children he couldn’t afford to take them (at the start of July he told them they would be going to France for a couple of weeks).
There is a court order in place but he hasn’t adhered to it for years and I have kept records. At this point, I am concerned for my children’s emotional and mental health and can’t help but wonder if no contact would be better. My youngest asked the eldest to text dad at the weekend and he said he wasn’t going to ‘because if we’re not careful, we’ll end up having to go round’.
Is it time for a solicitor’s letter saying stop it or I’ll force it into court or is there a better way?