Aarrrggghhhh

[helpbeforeimelt]

Ainu?

Firstly I'd like to say I didn't go to bed until 11.30 pm so dh could get a few more hours sleep and get settled as he's just done a 14 hr day and is up again at 3 am so I'm probably just tired but think my anxiety is going to hit the roof pretty soon

So to the Aibu bit.
Adult (20.5)ds is moving into a house with friends this weekend.
He's my eldest and first born and I have younger dc but I'm getting more worried about it as the week goes on at the moment.

As much as I love him he's so lazy and messy at home. He works late shifts.
His gf stays over with him 3 nights a week which was our compromise as it was every night at one point
Anyway things like general dishes in sink and not dishwasher,towels in his room and not hung out,mess wherever he goes generally.

So tonight he got home from work at 10ish with gf in tow and they went off to a friends for a few drinks. Fine

Asked them that when they get back can they pls be quiet as dh has to be up for work early and so do I.

So they were back by 12 pm and I wasn't fully asleep (anxiety I think)I've got tv on in my room so I can't hear them and have given up and come downstairs to get a drink.
lol and behold a towel chucked over the kitchen door,most of the knives from my block in the sink along with other dishes (not in dishwasher)and they've left my front door unlocked ( a drop handle door not a take lock so has to be locked from inside or anyone could walk in).

I've just come and sat in front door step because I'm raging but also feel bad that i will feel slightly relieved after the weekend that once I've locked up and tidied up it will actually stay like it and I won't have to be tidying up after a bloody young adult like a slave.
I have this constant inner feeling of having the piss taken as I do quite a bit of helping with organising in general as he's useless at it.
Like for instance he hasn't got any boxes for moving yet and has a busy weekend already.
Me and dh will be helping to take stuff to the new place but be told him it needs to be packed and sorted before Sunday.
Am I being unreasonable to want him to start taking some responsibility and stop treating me and our home like a fucking hotel with built in maid service???

Op at 20.5 years old your son is more than old enough to move out,...if he can't cope, then the shock of having to grow up and be responsible for his own tidying up, cooking, going to bed and waking up at reasonable hours etc will soon get him to cope...

But if he or his girlfriend are being messy while he still live at home then you have a right to pull him up on it..

Op are you normally this anxious just because your husband has to wake early?

No you are NBU - do not step in, do not go to the new house to tidy up- go not let him bring his washing home. Dont remind him of what he needs to do- he is more than an adult and needs to do it himself. The best thing you can do is get your DH to buy you some handcuffs and put them on you with your hands behind your back - it’s tough love but he’ll be a better MAN for it - he may surprise you and just crack on Ruth it all. He needs to fly, let him try

I would go get him and ask him calmly to come to the kitchen and then tell him calmly what you want him to do: put the towel in its proper place, knives in the dishwasher, etc. And stand there while he does it, as if he were a small child. Also, calmly mention the front door and make it clear you expect an apology.

Tomorrow: remind him calmly that if he's not packed in time you won't be able to help him move. Stick to your guns if he isn't ready.

And then accept that once he's in his own home he will have to learn from his mistakes. And he will learn, although it will take time.

Do not let him have a key to your home. I repeat, when he leaves, do not let him take a key. Or you will be in the same position but with no warning at all.

Thanks for responding guys.
No Amy anxiety isn't just because dh needs to sleep,he's out for the count.
I have a health condition that resulted in major surgery four years ago.
I'm left with ptsd and it come to a bit of a head in the last year. I'm now medicated lightly just to ease symptoms which work well unless my other meds for the health condition are out of sync,then my levels rise and the anxiety creeps up abit.
It's a mixture of lots of things like juggling full time work and two younger dc and holidays etc. All the usual but it gets a lot at tunes if I'm feeling abit off colour.
It's not being helped by ds and his lack of thought for anyone here at times.
It's hard adjusting to life with an adult dc in the family home.
It doesn't matter how many times I pull him up on the mess and dishes in his room all the time and towels (found 7 in there last week)it just gets to me.

It feels like there's no respect for me with an it doesn't matter it's only mum attitude.

I feel he needs to move out as he needs to start learning what life's about instead of relying on us to help all the time. It's just the lack of consideration.

I've helped him with a budget plan for when he moves out and made it very clear I won't be supplementing anything financially or otherwise.
I've bought him bits for the house as I've gone to help him start up but I haven't done his washing for a few months now as I got sick of seeing it chucked all over the floor.
He hasn't done any for nearly three weeks now but it's not my issue.

I'm just feeling that I want to be enjoying the last few days he's here but instead I'm gritting my teeth.
I feel bad but know I shouldn't.

The op is right about not going to his new place to “help” once he’s gone. His mates will take the piss for a start and he’ll get annoyed with you. But also... MIL did this to SIL in her marital home. Every now and then she’d go round and clean and sort out. SIL is in her 40s and her house is a tip. MIL still goes it.

Don't go down that route.

Pp not op!

Why are you cleaning up after them? I can’t believe you haven’t just chucked their shit into his room (while they were in it) and slammed the door afterwards! I am sick of being treated like this by my kids and they are twelve and fourteen! I make sure that they are as inconvenienced as possible by shit like this as I am. Ie - dirty plates are put in a bucket with their filthy clothes and out in the middle of their room when they are expecting friends over. It’s very embarrassing and they learn their lesson. Chores not done? Remote controls are hidden. (Locked in the car - they haven’t found that hiding spot yet.) They have nothing entertaining to do, so they might as well get shit done.

Having had the pretty horrible experience of having to sack a young man from his training contract (yep, he was a dipshit) i read an article in the Times that explained that men don't really grow up until the age of 25. It's something to do with brain chemistry

Which may or may not help you OP

It sounds like you've enabled your son's behaviour for twenty years so no good moaning now. As soon as children can walk they should be taught to help tidy up. Look up the word mother in the dictionary, it does not mean servant!

Well ds just got a shock coming downstairs to find me on the sofa !
Asked why I was up and I point blank told him it's because he's so bloody inconsiderate he's woken me up again.
Same thing happened night before last.

Says it's not his fault he doesn't know how loud he's being so I've just told him it's not my place to get woken up to have to bloody tell him

Just pulled him up on the mess and dishes all over kitchen and towels draping in door and told him It's unfair to expect me to do it.
Same old he was going to do it in the morning.
I've just told him that's fine in his own place but not when you live with others.
He won't be out of bed before 11 am and knows full well my mums here with the younger dc in the morning so she'll tidy it up.

Just said I'd had enough of him being inconsiderate. He did apologise which is unheard of so I thanked him for saying sorry but said enough is enough.
His response was he's moving out at the weekend anyway to which I told him that doesn't and won't mean that between now and then I have to expect to be woken up every night and left a mess.

Well guys I can tell you all I'm learning from this one and can tell you that the just 13 yr old will be being taught responsibilities and practicalities from much younger than I started with ds.

I kind of see it now following family as my elder dsis now in her early forties relies heavily on my parents for most things inc shopping financials dr appointments and is generally molly coddled. I think by the time I got to early teens they realised and changed tact with me

The difference is parents still molly coddle dsis and enable her.
It's a wake up call

@justilou1

We do the same thing - hiding remotes, codes on the iPad so they can't use electronics to avoid chores.

Only problem is that DH and I sometimes forget where things are hidden or change the codes and can't remember them....

...can tell you that the just 13 yr old will be being taught responsibilities and practicalities from much younger than I started with ds

Behaviour like this doesn't just 'happen' so not sure why it's suddenly a surprise. Why on earth would you think he'd behave any other way than the one you 'taught' him by enabling such behaviour?
Hopefully it's not to late to 'teach' the 13 yr old the respect and consideration needed to not behave the same way.

Stopandchat yeah thanks for pointing that one out.

I guess by your tone you have adult dc yes?

If so then share with us your wisdom and if not I hope,like myself you spend time teaching and constantly asking them to tidy up and be more responsible.
Doesn't mean they will take much notice.

Yes, I do. 3 young adults and one younger child.

I'm not sure what you are asking? My wisdom? Not much to it really. I've just never been their 'slave'. I'm also no martyr. Right from toddlers they were taught that we ALL pitch in. Always. There have been many times I've felt taken for granted by one or another of them but never, ever have I felt like it's my 'job' to clean up after them and never have THEY felt it is. It's not our 'model'. If I feel someone isn't pulling their weight, I raise the issue, they apologise, and life carries on.
And they take plenty of notice of me, always have. Why wouldn't they?

I have 3 adult dc. Eldest DSS is a nightmare to live with, very similar to your son.

I haven't been his slave or molly coddled him either. He can be very independent but for some reason acts like Kevin the teenager in the house. He will only actually do (or not do) things when given an ultimatum - usually if you persist in doing this you will have to start looking for your own place or your board is going up.
I don't know the answer op but hang onto the fact that he is moving out at the weekend.
I would (and have) bag all the mess up and put it in his room in the morning. Wake him up before you leave for work and ask him to tidy the mess up before your mum comes round.
Like others say don't carry it on when he moves out and don't let him have a key. Make it clear he is more than welcome but on your terms. I wouldn't mind him bringing his washing home as long as he starts showing respect. Just keep thinking about next week.

Thanks for the replies again guys.
Thestopandchat thank you.

It's sometimes good to hear from others that have adult children themselves.
I guess we've been pretty chilled out at times and I've done the whole pick your arguments thing a bit too much.

I've always taught and brought my children up to have good manners and be polite and respectful and to work hard to achieve in life as that's what my parents did with me but with three with big age gaps it's easy to slip at times.

My ds works very hard at his job and will help anyone out but sometimes I feel very much like mum is just there so she will sort it and to a degree I have with some things that have been bordering catastrophic if not.
Thanks PP saying your dss is similar even though you've tried etc etc as it's the same here.

It's the constant pulling him up on shit and him never acting on it or it slips back that frustrates me so much. It shows a lack of consideration or respect and that's what gets to me.

I'm normally calm when I'm pulling him up on stuff and explain about the inconsiderate thoughtlessness and I think it falls on deaf ears but last night I wasn't calm (not as in shouting)but I was very direct and firm and he could see I was pissed off a lot so maybe that may work.

I know he will be moving out at the weekend but that doesn't mean between now and then I have to accept il be woken up every night nor that he will be leaving a trail of mess behind him until then.
And he knows that it's not an open house to wonder in and out of at whatever time of night he feels like or to wonder back and raid the fridge.
I've told him he needs to be self sufficient if he thinks he's adult enough to do so

If it makes you feel better, OP, my 12 year old son just discovered the consequences of piling his laundry up NEXT to the laundry basket despite having three friends over to stay. He had chosen to ignore repeated warnings (ie - me going off my tits) so he is now sorting and doing his own washing. I derailed the ensuing “It’s not fair!” mantrum by assuring him further that humiliation of washing the rest of the family’s clothes would follow if he didn’t pull his head in. I am becoming such a badass, but the reason I have chosen this method of parenting is because when my mother was dying in hospital, my 43 year old brother turned up at her house while I was staying, with four baskets of laundry, claiming not to know how to work the washing machine. Told him to google it and begin to adult for himself.