AIbu to reduce daughters time with grandparents

[Mummywithatummy]

I don’t want to say too much for fear of being outed. Their are two grandchildren in the family, and it is very clear to see how much one is favoured over our DC (both preschoolers). There are issues relating to the other grand child background which has led to this favouritism, but it is hard to watch our DC be constantly forgotten in one way or another. DC is 2 years old and I have recently noticed that she is picking up on the favouritism and looks so heartbroken when ‘little’ things happen where she is pushed to the side. I am worried this will start to upset her now she is picking up on it. Should I remove her from the situation by avoiding group family situations as much as possible? We have raised this issue before, it’s been acknowledged, and even partially admitted by the grandparents, but it always continues even if they do not realise how obvious it is sometimes. My own parent (who would never say a bad word about anyone!) has even picked up on it. I’m just fearful I should be protecting her feelings from this.

I would. If they can’t amend their behaviour then I definitely would. This kind of thing can really stick in the memory and affect someone in later life.

Are the grandparents still playing the grandparent role in the other child's life, or have their circumstances meant that they are now acting in the place of mum or dad?

I think background circumstance could absolutely justify some perceived favortism.

For example my niece is currently recovering from life changing surgery at 10 years old - absolutely she's being favoured over the grandchildren at the moment.

If it's like another poster said and the grand parents are actually fulfilling a parental role again thats fair favortism as your DD as her parents.

Doesn’t matter if grandparents are taking a parental role they still have another grandchild, I cannot abide playing favourites in any circumstance. I would limit seeing them if they make your child feel like this. Especially since you have discussed it already. It’s amazing how children pick up on this so quickly

We can't possibly answer this without knowing the reason for the favouritism.
If she is fulfilling a parental role for this child, then that role clearly takes preference over the grandparent role- your kids already have parents!

Totally disagree. If grandma is playing mum to the child then of course she will treat it differently.

My grand dad took my cousin to fishing every week for years, just the 2 of them. Never did it (or equivalent) for the rest of us. No jealousy - our dads were still alive.

Yes but if the grandparents are fulfilling a parental role for the other child they won't be seeing the Op's child half as much so surely when they are together there is no need to show any favouritism. They must be doing something aignificant fir a 2 year old to pick up on it.

That was to lily

We need to know the circumstances?

Sorry for late response. So basically the other granchild father is absent, but they are not playing parental role, although obviously lack of a father figure.

My DC loves the grandparents so much (what child doesn’t!) but DC has recently started looking very lost/left out when the favouritism happens - “silly” things (they aren’t silly) like lots of cuddling / being pushed out the way by other grandchild / not spending any 1 on 1 time with grandparents as theyvonly see our DC at same time as other grandchild (not for our lack of invites!)

As you don't want to be outing you can't give us more details. So a general reply is best.

If it's affecting you DD negatively and she feels less likes, then definitely be more careful about when they have or see your DD. She doesn't need a message that she's less pretty, less interesting or important than her cousin. However if said cousin is ill or has special needs then you can explaim that to DD, that cousin needs a few more cuddles or whatever at this point in time and DD is light of your life and your number one best ever (oldest) DC.

I meant less cute, not less pretty.

And what form is the favouritism taking? Extra time with the child, or extra money spent on it, or differential treatment when both gc are there. I don't think the latter is acceptable at all.

Sorry x post. I type slowly.

It does matter, believe you me, it happened in our family...it causes resentment and jealousy
My Pil did it to my dc...it backfired on them as my dc dont want much to do with them as young adults.
Lucky you barbarianmum that no jealousy was in your family, clearly op lo is feeling it.
I would monitor this closely and let gp know it’s not on

The grandchild doesn’t have any special needs at all. More time spent with her is the biggest problem, sharing photos amongst the family of her and not our DC, money spent (although that doesn’t bother me as much), comparisons to the other grandchild “X likes this, so will Fran”, conversation always diverting back to the other grandchild, the list goes on. But the most obvious is the heightened affection, one on one time and relationship with the other grandchild. Even typing this all out is making me realise that I need to limit the time in group situations. So upsetting as our DC only has one grandad so if she doesn’t have another one to form a bond with.

Reduce away. YANBU.

I guess this must be quite common in some families as it was certainly the case in ours. In the end we stopped visiting my DM every year. She lived a nearly 400 miles away, but moved in retirement after DDad died. It was such a long way to go only to find that other GC were always treated more favourably.

It always came across that DM felt sorry for Dsis and felt that I could take care of myself and had better job and a less shit DH. She lived near to Dsis and was aware of everything which happened in her life, whereas she saw my life at long distance through rose tinted glasses and I did not enlighten her.

As young adults my DC are well aware of the family dynamics and DS often says I have to think "would you really want to be in Dsis's shoes? If the answer is no, just move on and get over it".

My Dsis always muscled in on the act if we planned any activities on what was actually a family holiday we had paid good money for, including accommodation. The last time this happened our DC were adults, we all went out for a walk and then a meal, which was actually suggested by Grandma. When it came time to pay the bill, Dsis sat tight and didn't offer anything towards the cost. It appeared that she was quite used to DM picking up the tab on her behalf. My DM did not have enough cash to pay even half the bill for seven people (she still thinks of things in 1970s prices). I picked up the tab for all of us, to save her any embarrassment. DM is in her late eighties and lives on a pension, so has to be careful. Dsis has a job and their home is bigger/worth more than ours, but her husband spends a lot of time and money in the pub. It must affect her disposable income.

As DCs were adults by that time, they had a great laugh about it afterwards and it has become a family joke, with Dsis as the CF. Nonetheless, they are aware of always being second best. This is how it will be for your DD if you let it continue.

Telling them that DD feels pushed out and asking them directly to see her on her own is one option. If you arrive and the other GC is there leave after a very short time and say politely you will come back when they are less busy. They might get the message and they might not. Sad to say, but you cannot change the family dynamics by just putting up with it.

This is more the opposite situation but my dad died when I was a teenager. His parents didn't really bother that much with me after that. Maybe it was because of their grief, I don't know, maybe they felt uncomfortable with my mum...anyway, they spent a lot more time with my aunt (their daughter) and her very young children. Maybe it was the age difference, again who knows. They were then both dead themselves within 5 years. I definitely noticed the difference, especially as I had been the only grandchild in the family for over 10 years and you might have thought they would have stepped up more after their son died.

If it is affecting your DD negatively then you need to do what is best for her.

Happened my friend. She spoke once..then next time laid it on the line: we will not be coming if this keeps happening. One gp saw it more clearly and agreed to stop. They kept getting kids to have races so could show her ds how his cousin always beat him( that was the one that put her into orbit as they would comment) .
So maybe have a very stern talk once more giving concrete examples..or your dh could.

Thank you everyone for the replies and good to hear other stories / POV. Me and sh have decided to stop group situations until they have spent more 121 time with DC. I do not want to affect her self asteem but this gives them the opportunity to form a better bond with her if they make the effort (which they haven’t before but let’s see). I don’t want to risk any confidence issues, it’s not worth it. X

It happens lots, especially with a daughter's DC. My cousins dad left when she was young, she got extra from all my Aunts, it did bother me as a child, I am not have close relationship with them, I always understood she needed a little extra.

If this child is their daughters and yours is their son's, considering you spoke up about it before, I doubt they'll change, reduce contact make your DD feel extra special, if she notices now she will be extra hurt as she get older.

My ILs play favouritism with their other grandchildren due to the horrible lives they have. They know our children are ok so don't really bother with ours much but are attentive when they see them. I wouldn't swap their horrible lives for more attention from the ILs.