What am I doing wrong?

[SilverLining10]

Hi MN, i'm feeling so down and low. Feels like every relationship has a recurring theme and I cant figure out what/where I'm going wrong.
Every relationship, family, friendship, work colleague always ends up treating me in the exact same way. I've had a very traumatic childhood and this made me into a very people pleasing person, which has also led me to be used by many people. I feel people see me as a soft target, someone to push around, treat with less respect than the next person. I hope I can explain this properly.

I have a group of friends. I just cant understand why they would treat me so as less than equal to each other. My best friend who knows how I feel, did this to me in a group chat. Corrected me when actually she misunderstood what was being discussed. I know she would never treat any of the other women this way. why me when I am the friend she turns to all the time.

Recently, my DH went NC with a very toxic sibling. I supported him but didn't really get involved as I am not a confrontational person anyway. She then a few weeks later sent me a message saying that no one likes me. Everyone speaks badly of me and I should know people cant stand me. This has devastated me so much as there was issues in my DH family and i wasn't a part of that so again why target me.

If i think back to school, i tried so hard to be a good friend but i was always on the outs. The same with work colleagues, I was never a part of the team no matter how hard or little i tried.

It just feels that every relationship in my life has failed. I have a great DH and DC but its all getting me so down. What could i be doing that always gives people that impression that its ok to treat me badly.

I have tried distancing myself in my friendship group but it just seems like i'm being funny yet when I'm there for everyone its fine to treat me less than the next person. My IL's words to me that 'no one likes me and cant stand me' is actually haunting me as I feel that's exactly why i'm ending up in the same situation all the time. Sorry about the long essay. Please help :(

People stereotype others. Its hard wired in. We literally couldn't cope with the information if we genuinely treated each person as a complete individual and made no assumptions.

This is a problem when people immediately pop you in the 'needy/eager-to-please/vulnerable/doormat' pigeon hole as soon as you get to know them.

They don't then treat you as an equal - which of course you deserve.

Even if a few people get to know whats beneath the surface, and do see you as a whole person, they can easily be swayed by a group of other people not treating you properly eg. on a facebook group.

The other thing that can happen is getting sensitized to this behaviour as you notice it more and more.

I would try not to be too pissed with your proper friend for slipping up on line. I'd correct someone I thought was a good friend more than a random person...so it isn't a sign of looking down on you so much as feeling comfortable with you.

What can you do?

Well, I guess you can work on first impressions. Don't be so eager to please. Have more self-assurance that you can take it or leave it on any given new interaction. Make sure there is something genuine in it for you too.

Maybe you could also get therapy if you haven't already and try to work out why you are driven to please, and to try and build your self-esteem.

Message her back telling her you couldn’t give a flying what she and others think of you and why does she think you’d care. Then block the bitch.

Thank you M3lon, you've made some really insightful points. I do think that people immediately pigeon hole me as the doormat, ever pleasing type. Its odd though that when someone needs something/ have something extremely personal to share then I'm that person.

As for my best friend unfortunately its not just this one incident. She has been passing the underhanded remarks to me for a while now. She's just too busy to reply to me or get together yet meeting with other friends etc.

I have realised that i'm that safe, dependable, always available friend/person to anyone. The issue is that now that I am drawing boundaries for myself as to what is acceptable to me , it is as if people think how dare I have an opinion iyswim.

Maelstrop before i could react in any way my dh immediately called her and found that she has blocked both of us. So I didn't even find out why I was attacked in that way.

So many of these incidents have happened over the last few weeks, it feels like im just backed into a corner. I really dont want to face anyone now. I have a therapy appointment although its only in a few weeks.

Sorry to hear your friend has further form for this bad behaviour. I think its very very tough when you want people to like you but they don't even see you as a real person....

I wouldn't worry too much about the crazy inlaws - they are obviously unhinged.

I would make sure you are only investing in people who are genuinely investing in you. Having tonnes of friends isn't always the recipe for happiness - having even a few real friends is better.

Then build yourself up - work on your self-esteem, try to work through your childhood issues and face the world again as a new person. Be confident that you don't deserve second best.

People really do sense hen you don't value yourself and will often decide to agree with you! Make sure you never fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as less than their equal.