To think DM is trying to pass the dysfunction on to my DC?

[LuvSmallDogs]

I can’t go into the entire backstory without writing my damn memoir. But then I don’t want to dripfeed. So here.

I am the eldest of four. Me, Dsis1, Dbro, Dsis2.

Mum has always been very protective of and close to my Dsis2.

She almost died as a newborn and went on to be diagnosed with SN so it’s understandable, though I do believe it crossed the line to outright favouritism. Any problems the rest of us had (bullying, exam stress, MH problems etc) “you should be grateful, Dsis2 can never go to that school/have kids/go to uni”. She got more “stuff” than us too, but this was what always hurt.

Dsis2 acts very bratty because of it sometimes, and talks very rudely to my doormat DF because DM treats him with contempt and encourages her to do the same.

Anyway, so far I have had the only 2 GC - DS1/4y.o/NT and DS2/3y.o/possible ASD, defo SN.

Current Issue
I’ve agreed to allow my folks and Dsis2 to take DS1 away in Oct (we can’t afford a holiday and I will be heavily pregnant by then). I agree with them that DS2 wouldn’t like to be away from me/DH that long somewhere unfamiliar.

Since then there have been offers from DM to take DS1 overnight as Dsis2 wants him to sleep over/just take DS1 somewhere both boys would like. I agreed to a couple, as I came down with a bad tummy bug and couldn’t get off the toilet long enough to take them anywhere so DS1 was climbing the walls while DS2 is easier to keep satisfied without going on outings.

After a visit, DS1 said to me “I am easier than DS2, aren’t I mummy?” I just said “Are you?” And he replied “Yes, granny says I am much easier than DS2, and better behaved”. It’s the exact language she would use and would send her apeshit if said about me and Dsis2. DS1 has also been bratty to us after coming back from the folks, in ways very similar to how Dsis2 is to DF.

So I have been refusing offers of DS1 sleeping over all week. Despite the offers first being made to “help me out” as I was sick, they keep coming now I’m ok as Dsis2 “loves him so much”. I very nearly said “I didn’t have kids for Dsis2’s sake” but that would have opened the usual “Dsis2 can never do X, be grateful/include her etc”. I’m being pushed for an explanation but I don’t know what to say without it kicking off.

I’m worried about how

A) DS1 is blatantly DM and Dsis2’s favourite (like how Dsis2 is DM’s)and he is now being made aware of it

B) the hypocrisy of DS2 never being invited separately or with DS1 when this sort of thing would have sent her nuts when applied to Dsis2.

C) DS1 seems to have witnessed Dsis2 talking to DF shittily and is replicating it at home.

AIBU to think this is super fucked up and not allow sleepovers/going there without me? I don’t know what to do about Oct holiday as it’s all booked. :(

I very much doubt it would make any difference but is it worth talking to your DM about it as a week of this he is going to be insufferable when he gets home and it will take some training out of.

You can’t have a normal disagreement/discussion over something with my DM.

Any comments get blown out of all proportion and next thing you know you’re getting smeared to the rest of the family who she’s trying to get to talk to you on her behalf when it never involved them.

I get embarrassed when I see DM’s friends as Dsis1 once found a logged in chat window where she was slagging us off to her BFF, I worry about what they’ve been told about me.

I do think you need to limit the overnights. I'm not sure how to handle October, if you can get out of it I would but I think unless you're prepared for the fall out, the path of least resistance would be to pull DS up on every unkind thing he says afterwards, and absolutely refuse to agree that 'he is easier than DS2'

Can you insist to DM that other than October they come as a pair she doesn't get one without the other. I doubt you'll have to comply at all or more than once.

Sorry I don't think I'm being much help but hopefully bumping it for you until someone wiser comes along.

I wouldn't use them for childcare unless it was an emergency. I wouldn't be going out of my way for your kids to have a relationship with your toxic Mother and sister either.

Can you not just frame it in a way she will understand, 'I'm concerned ds2 will feel left out or upset because ds1 is spending more time with you and going to places ds2 isn't, I know you'll understand this because of all of your concerns about sis2 being treated fairly regardless of her additional needs.

I’ve agreed to allow my folks and Dsis2 to take DS1 away in Oct (we can’t afford a holiday and I will be heavily pregnant by then). I agree with them that DS2 wouldn’t like to be away from me/DH that long somewhere unfamiliar.

Whatever you mean, what they mean is that they don't want to take DS2. Your legitimate concerns about DS2 have played right into their hands.

I'd pull DS1 out of the holiday and deal with the fall out. It's not going to be pretty, but it's the equivalent of pulling a plaster off quickly. It gets it all over and done with. And if it means you/they go NC so be it. Otherwise you're going to have this shit to deal with for ever more. And if your mum can turn DS1's head like that after a short visit, imagine what poison she can drip into his ears in a week.

I am nc with my dm after blatant favouritism towards my older dc.
Imo sibling relationships between my dc are more important than dc1 and dgm.
Rip the plaster ASAP op.
October should not be happening either.

I think it would be incredibly damaging to send your child on holiday with these people. Don't do it. Why age you worried about what your mum has said to her BFF about you? Life's too short. She and your sister sound toxic. Limit contact between them and your children before they fuck them up.

*are