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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BF has depression

29 replies

SadandHelpless · 28/08/2018 08:54

Posting here for traffic, no response in mental health section.

My bf suffers with depression but this time he is really bad, shut me out completely and says he has no feelings about anything.

I just want to be with him, hold his hand, cuddle him and support him but he has shut me out, doesn't message or let me see him.

How can I help him? I feel so heartbroken 😢

OP posts:

HolyPieter · 28/08/2018 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeachyUmbrella · 28/08/2018 09:05

That's very unnecessary @HolyPieter

Is this the first time he's suffered from depression? I think all you can do is continue what you are doing, trying to support him, send texts, and try to suggest he goes to see his GP?

buddhasbelly · 28/08/2018 09:05

How long have you been with him? Is it a new relationship?

MissusGeneHunt · 28/08/2018 09:09

I feel for you both. Sometimes when depressed barriers go up, despite inner feelings screaming for help. Might be worth giving your GP surgery a call to be signposted to support, for you both.

Also, call MIND or check out their resources online.

to you and your partner. It CAN get better.

Singlenotsingle · 28/08/2018 09:12

You're more patient than me. He's got to want to get better. How long is this going to carry on?

Peonylass · 28/08/2018 09:22

In all honesty, you can't fix him. If he's told you to leave him alone you may need to do that.

As someone who is 16 years into a relationship with someone with depression, you may find this is how it is going to be for the rest of the relationship.

Original poster

SadandHelpless · 28/08/2018 09:22

HolyPieter are you serious? I would NEVER leave him over a mental illness.

We have only been together 6 months, but I love him so much, he is my world.

He was diagnosed 2yrs ago but this is his first bad episode like this. He is on medication and started counselling.

OP posts:

stillnotTheDoctor · 28/08/2018 09:22

Ignore @HolyPieter. They have form for goady comments.

There's not much you can do except be there for him. Depression is a hard road.

buddhasbelly · 28/08/2018 09:30

How long has he been on medication OP? It can take a while (circa 6 weeks) to work. He may not have the right dosage either.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 28/08/2018 09:40

Re the LTB comment - it's been 6 months. How often do we read on here that you should still be in the honeymoon phase at 6m?

If he's taking the right medication and actively seeking to improve his mental health (using whatever tools he can - changing his circumstances, gp support etc) then see if he pulls out of his current fog.

If he cannot appreciate how upsetting this is for you to experience with him and he is NOT doing all he can to manage his mh then yes its a LTB from me too.

My ex had depression which haunted our relationship from the start - constantly using it to excuse his shitty behaviour whilst not prepared to do anything to help himself. Similar to gaslighting nothing was ever his fault. I've struggled with my own mh issues but have taken steps at each 'low' to dig myself out of the darkness.

PurpleDaisies · 28/08/2018 09:45

If he cannot appreciate how upsetting this is for you to experience with him and he is NOT doing all he can to manage his mh then yes its a LTB from me too.

Doing “all he can to manage his mental health” is pretty difficult when he’s stuck in the middle of a depressive episode.

OwlinaTree · 28/08/2018 09:58

I'd think long and hard here OP. 6 months in it's supposed to be fun.

I'd suggest you keep the lines of communication open with a couple of messages a day. Along the lines of 'thinking of you, hope today is a bit better, I've been out to XXX today/saw a friend/bought a new XXX etc. Would be lovely to show you/see you/discuss with you soon. Let me know when I can visit'

I think it's important that you show you want him in your life and to share stuff with him, but that your life is not going to stop because he is having problems.

I really hope that he is able to overcome this and that you can get back on track, but don't let him stop you living your life.

HolyPieter · 28/08/2018 10:04

You're only six months in and he's already a burden in you, OP.

Do you really want him dragging you down for the unforseen future?

HolyPieter · 28/08/2018 10:04

on*

Nikephorus · 28/08/2018 10:06

Wow, would you lot be saying 'LTB' & 'it should be fun' if he'd been diagnosed with cancer or a brain tumour?! Some people don't deserve relationships.
OP, how long has he been on his meds for? If not long then it might be taking a while for them to kick in. If longer than maybe he needs a higher dose? You just need to be letting him know that you're there, that you're going nowhere, and that he will make it through. There's nothing else you can really do except keep checking (not too often) if he wants company / to do something / to talk.
Thank goodness there are still people like OP around.

Seaweed42 · 28/08/2018 10:07

You can't really fix him. You can't get what you need from him at the minute, and there's no knowing how long it might take. Hopefully the medication will work soon.
He literally cannot experience you in the true sense at the minute because he is emotionally and (almost) physically detached.
Where does he live at the minute? What ages are you? Has he had to take time off work for his depression.
It sounds like you need support as well in order to help you cope with his depression. There might be groups in your area for friends/family of people who suffer depression.

OwlinaTree · 28/08/2018 10:22

The difference with cancer or a brain tumour is that the op would not be being cut off emotionally. I would be very wary about emotionally bonding with someone who after 6 months is basically saying he doesn't feel anything at the moment.

I'm not suggesting that the op leaves him, he's clearly suffering. What I am suggesting is that the op protects her own mental health and well being.

ScarletAnemone · 28/08/2018 10:27

So sorry you’re having to go through this.

I have been caring for someone with despression. There are good times and bad times. When things are really dark and bleak I have found that the best thing is to keep trying to get through, to get them out of bed or whatever. If they send me away then I have to accept it.

But I keep going back, and just sometimes there’s a chink of light and they’re able to accept a little bit of help. Then my help can be enough for them to get out of bed and be distracted with a simple activity. And so that day passes and is less black, and that builds a tiny fragile bit of hope. And that in itself helps recovery just a tiny little bit.

It’s a long hard slog. It’s exhausting. It drains you. There are times when it feels completely hopeless. But people do get through this. It’s a long dark tunnel, and when you’re in it you can’t see the light at the end.

Only you can decide if you’re up for it.

I wonder if your bf is rejecting you also because he’s feeling suicidal. It’s much harder to act if you know someone cares for you. If that’s the case then you telling him that you care about him will be protective for him, even though in his current state he doesn’t want to hear that. You’re making it hard for him, but ultimately that could potentially be a life saver.

Original poster

SadandHelpless · 28/08/2018 10:39

@seaweed* we are in our 40's and he lives in his own place, we don't live together.

He was taking meds every other day, but since his episode he's taking it every day but he doesn't think the meds agree with him.

He actually replied to my message today when I asked him how he was and he said he feels like he's been "hit by a bus".

He is still working as he said he can't take time off.

He has told me I don't need this because I am going through a nasty divorce atm, but I've told him that I'm not going anywhere.

OP posts:

HesterShaw1 · 28/08/2018 10:40

God OP, it's a nightmare. My marriage of 17 years has just ended because of husband's depression. Won't admit he has it, won't see the GP, just blames me for everything which is wrong in his life, attributes the most awful of motives to me, doesn't laugh, doesn't smile, won't engage, is aggressive....I'm so glad it's over despite being heartbroken as well. I have been walking on eggshells and trying to be helpful and understanding for years, but if the person won't accept they need help, there is really nothing you can do.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 28/08/2018 11:51

As I posted above my ex had depression and yes, in the depths of it he refused to accept any support from me or medical professionals. It, and the associated 'gaslighting' were a major factor in the breakdown of our marriage.

My current boyfriend had cancer last year, and yes, he did push me away (which hurt like fuck, we dont live together either) but he was fighting with every waking moment to get better - physically as well as emotionally.

Your update speaks volumes OP - he has upped his dose of ADs but hasn't yet spoken to the gp about changing them if they don't agree with him? Also he's able to function at work (there is no such thing as can't take time off even for mh issues), managing to sustain professional relationships with colleagues/clients but can't reply to your texts?

Yes of course we would be sympathetic to a boyfriend with a broken leg or a tumour - but if he was refusing to get it fixed then I suspect we would ALL be a bit about the long term potential of the relationship.

Another thing we read on here often is that 'just because he has (some sort of) diagnosis doesn't mean he can't be an arsehole to you'

HesterShaw1 · 28/08/2018 12:22

Oh God the gaslighting :( And then the denial of the gaslighting, and the denial of it even existing as a concept. Everything is my imagination or me being "sensitive" or reading a situation wrong.

It was such a relief to hear a male friend at the weekend say "Yes he does talk to you like shit and I have heard him". This same friend delivered me home terribly drunk and heard what STBXH said to me, and then when he saw friend standing behind me the tone changed utterly to friendly and normal and polite. It's like he doesn't think I am worth anything simply because he sees me as an extension of himself, who he hates.

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 12:29

In the nicest possible way op
Noone you have known for 6 months should be 'your world'. This is unwise.

Nikephorus · 28/08/2018 12:36

there is no such thing as can't take time off even for mh issues
Of course there is! And it's even more so for MH issues because they're so often not understood or minimised. If you need a job to pay your mortgage or rent then you can't take time off sick. And it's no good saying that they can't fire you. They can. Even if it's illegal who is going be able to fight it when they're battling depression? If he's going to work then he's probably using ALL his mental resources to get through the day and won't have anything left by the time he gets home.
And he is trying to get it fixed - he's taking the medication, he's getting counselling....

Original poster

SadandHelpless · 30/08/2018 09:14

So an update on this.

He has ended it with me, told me he needs to be on his own. It was awful as he was so harsh with it but then he would be as he has no feelings at the minute. If almost felt like he hated me.

What upset me more though is how quickly he removed his relationship status on Facebook and changed his whatsapp picture to just himself, literally an hour after ending it.

OP posts:

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