Wedding jealousy?

[bo0ts]

More of a WWYD really. Sorry if it's long!
My best friend and I have been friends for 6 years. We have both been with our partners for around 4yrs and we are all friends, often doing things as a group. My partner and I got engaged about 6 months ago and my friend initially seemed happy for me.
However, soon after she started being distant with me. Cancelling plans (including a weekend trip I had paid for, without enough notice for a refund/take someone else), ignoring texts and being generally really off. We went for about 8 weeks without seeing each other. For context, we live in the same town, and usually see each other every other week at least.
When we finally met up, I asked why she had been acting the way she had and she denied it. Later on in the evening, she got drunk, admitted she was jealous because she always expected her and her partner to get married first as they have been together slightly longer (4 months more). She then started to cry and said her partner hasn't proposed "when he said he would" and that he keeps "dragging his heels" whenever she mentions marriage. In the end she agreed that a lack of a proposal was something she needed to discuss with him and that we would forget about how she'd behaved as it wasn't worth falling out over.
A few weeks later, she went back to ignoring calls/texts, cancelling, being very cold when we do speak, etc. I have asked her a few days ago via message, if everything is okay and said I'm always here if she needs to talk, but she has ignored it and sent back something about the holiday she is going on in a few months.
She can't be sick of me talking about the wedding as I only discuss plans when people ask me about them, and she hasn't.
I am worried about her as she has never behaved like this in the past, it's a complete personality shift. However, it is really starting to get to me because I feel like she is taking the frustration she feels toward her partner out on me. AIBU to feel like this or should I be more understanding??

She's being immature and jealous and blaming you for her partner not proposing and yanbu. Is it really worth continuing the friendship when she treats you like this?

What a petty, jealous person she is. And very competitive! My two best friends got engaged before me and my DP and we had been together years longer AND had a child together. Do you know how I behaved towards them? Excited and happy for them! Their wedding was so special and I was thrilled to be a part of it. It did highlight some issues for me in my relationship (which may be how your friend is feeling) and my DP and I subsequently broke up. Your friend is directing her anger towards you and that's not on. My advice to you is to distance yourself and stop making contact with her. Perhaps one final message of "I'm sorry my impending wedding is making you feel so upset, but this is a happy time for me and I am going to enjoy myself. I hope you aren't going to let this spoil our friendship." It might be the wake up call she needs.

@DragonSnaps @merrykate
Thankyou, I think I will try to speak to her again and if she is still ignoring me then it's probably best to distance myself.

She should be happy for you, not ignore you. She obviously cares more about herself and her non proposal than she does about your friendship. I agree with merrykate and cut contact with her if she still acts this way after you make one last effort.

I am very sorry. It's nothing you've done. She is unhappy with her own life and very unfortunately you symbolise what is missing in her life. I lost my best friend in similar circumstances 20 years ago and I still miss her (our lives went in different directions and in our case our very different types of weddings proved too much further though I couldn't have cared less.) I really hope she comes round.

Take a step back. Invest in people who are happy with you

Is this out of character for your friend? Does she usually make things about her or have a problem with envy? If yes, I would totally cool off or even put an end to the friendship as she is behaving very badly. Her jealously is horrible and she is directing her anger at the wrong person.

If, however, this is nothing like her usually, I would just back off for a while as she is clearly struggling with this (as much as we all try, we cant help our gut reactions) and see if she comes to her senses in a few months.

Which is more likely, do you think?

She probably feels embarrassed about being jealous and now she'll be embarrassed about revealing that her relationship has a few problems. I'd cut her some slack, but know it's not you, it's her.

Dear god in heaven. It's 2018 and some women are waiting for men to propose like it's a Jane Austen novel. Why is the decision about marriage the gift of the man? She's your friend. Encourage her to have an adult conversation with her partner about where their relationship is headed. Tell her not to transfer her helplessness into negativity towards you.

Really sad, I hope she realises she will loose a friend if she doesn't sort it out and come to her senses.

For fuck sake it's only a wedding at the end of the day. Perhaps she winges about it to her partner so frequently he's decided he doesn't want to, plus now surely he is in your shadow if he proposes right after your boyfriend has.

Ladies- it's a white dress and a party at the end of the day, don't be so bitter that you loose things that are actually important.

I have a friend like this. She has good points as well and we are still friends (you can see the inner struggle as she tries to be happy for other people and flips between being happy for people and jealous and annoyed with them) but it did change our friendship quite a bit when I realised I was nervous of telling her any good news and put off announcing marriage, babies etc as long as possible!

Not sure if your friend is the same, unfortunately mine sees life as some sort of competition and constantly compares herself to others - generally people who do things first or more expensively have 'won' and somehow take away from her achievements which she gets angry at. Which is mad as her achievements are numerous as she has an extremely well paid job a husband and kids etc which were her goals. She wasn't like this when we were younger but has got worse as we have got older. First it was who lived together first, then who got engaged / married first, bought houses, babies etc. I guess it's just quite negative. We are not as close now but I still keep her in my life as she has other good points and occasionally says stuff showing she knows she's being unreasonable. She has also been a bit better since doing cbt. It must be a horrible way to live not being happy with what you have and being annoyed when positive things happen to other people!

So just saying if your friend is like this about your wedding, she may have the type of personality about lots of things in your life in the future so be careful.

How old is she? This does sound quite immature.

But, just some of my personal experiences, my cousin did this to me a bit when dh and I got engaged. It turned out her very long term bf was totally against marriage while she really wanted to get married. She was happy for me but she found all the excitement within the family (and some not very subtle hinting from our grandmother that cousin should also be engaged by now ) very hurtful as it wasn’t as if she had much choice!

I’ve also had one friend get engaged and be really ott about it (though that doesn’t sound like you at all), and I did have to stop talking to her, as it was really silly bridezilla territory from day 1. Grabby and unpleasant showing off about all the presents she’d been bought, the exact value of every gift voucher etc. If she’d otherwise been a good friend, I’d have tolerated it for the period of time till her wedding was over, but she’d previously behaved really badly towards me and my best friend and my family when utterly shitfaced at my house. Calling everyone snobs and coming on to my dad in front of my mum, smoking in my mum’s non smoking house, before she fell over and wet her pants. It was fine in the end and she apologised, but then I didn’t hear from her till she got engaged. I did have to draw the line when she was so braggy and ott about it. Maybe to her, I was just being jealous, but it was actually just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

So it’s all about context. In your case op, it doesn’t sound good, but it depends how good a friend she is otherwise I guess...? There’s STILL a lot of pressure on women to get up the aisle in some circles. If she’s otherwise normal then I’d have another chat with her. Maybe she’s having some problems with her bf. That doesn’t excuse her blanking you, but maybe understandable.

Sorry she’s being like this and congratulations on your engagement.

I had something similar though not as extreme. My friend’s was clear he never wanted to get married which she was sad about but accepted. Until her close friend from school got engaged and then not long after I got engaged. She found it really hard and it didn’t help that the school friend turned into bridezilla from hell and a total bloody nightmare.

Friend was one of my bms and ended up letting me down really badly as she and her DP ended up having a massive row before dress shopping, my (free, very low key!) hen do and then just before my wedding.

She just found the whole thing too difficult and our friendship wasn’t the same afterwards which was really sad after so many years but it was her stuff about their relationship and nothing I could do about it.

I’d pull right back. If she can’t be nice to a close friend about something lovely because she feels she should have “won the prize” first then she’s very immature and only going to hurt you at what should be a happy time.

She’s not bad or evil, this is something that has really upset her for whatever reason. It is not your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong. I think you need to back off and let her work it out (or not) for herself. Try to focus on your upcoming wedding and congratulations!

anne

Sort of similarly, my cousin was all set to come to my wedding, but cancelled the night before. Her bf had decided last minute he didn’t want to come / had made other plans or something and she didn’t want to travel on her own. Not a big let down, as she wasn’t a bm or anything, but it wasn’t great! Like you say anne, it was actually nothing to do with me and all to do with her relationship with her bf.

Sorry, I obviously mean the cousin who was a bit weird when dh and I got engaged.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Looking back there have been situations where she has cut down on contact shortly after friends have made a "milestone" announcement and said it was because "they wouldn't shut up about it" and it was boring her, and I thought nothing of it. Perhaps that wasn't the case and it is a pattern of jealous behaviour?

Either way, I hope she can find a way to work through whatever it is that makes her be this way and we can resolve things, but unless that happens soon I don't think I'll be able to carry on with what feels like a very a one sided friendship.

@PenelopeThePufferfish I'm 27, she's 26. However my partner is 33, hers is only 24? Which I think could make a lot of difference in terms of being ready to propose.

Don’t try one more time. You’ve done plenty and she is not behaving as a good friend should. It’s unfortunate that her DP clearly doesn’t want to marry her ( although given this episode perhaps he has good reason to be cautious) but that’s no excuse to treat you so poorly.

Step away and enjoy this exciting phase of your life.

24??!! Good grief, totally different age and stage.

@MatildaTheCat he is very mature, but more interested in holidays and nights out than planning or saving for a wedding, which is exactly how I was at 24!

She then started to cry and said her partner hasn't proposed "when he said he would" and that he keeps "dragging his heels" whenever she mentions marriage.

Is her self worth really that low? Marriage is a legal contract. As an adult female she is equally able to suggest that they enter into that contract.

However my partner is 33, hers is only 24? Which I think could make a lot of difference in terms of being ready to propose.

I know there were some strong winds this weekend, but have we been blown back to the 1950s?!

Hmmmmmm I don’t know obviously, but I wouldn’t expect your average 24 yo to be ready for marriage.

Although, fwiw, I got together with dh when we were 20 and 21 and we got engaged at 24 and 25 I think. Married at 26 and 27.

She can’t just cut out everyone who gets engaged though! She’ll not have any friends left at all soon enough. Funnily enough, the “friend” I mentioned in my first post on here was one for going off friends who got engaged because they were “boring on” about it... She was by far the worst of the bunch when she got engaged! The vast majority of my friends are married and I’ve never had to stop talking to any of them apart from that one.

As an adult female she is equally able to suggest that they enter into that contract.

Well, quite. I assume she has suggested it though and he doesn’t want to. Is that not what she means by “dragging his heels”?