To wonder how you know a relationship is over

[DocJimmy]

Reactivated my account to ask this as I don't know where else to ask and if there was anywhere I'd get straight talking it would be here) I was wondering how do you know when a relationship is over?

We've been married for 8 years and together for 15 and our relationship has been under strain like never before. I've been over absorbed with work and in the course of a row she told me that she'd had a one off thing with another bloke a few years ago (I'm not sure if she's being 100% truthful about the details, but I'm not really bothered by the whole betrayal, bit the not telling me until she thought she could use it to extract some damage in a row). Even without this revelation, I've beginning to doubt whether our relationship can survive in the long term. That's not to put all the blame on her, I've been absent or disengaged due to work stress and depression. I still love her, but sometimes I question whether I like her that much. We aren't screaming at the other or loathing the sight of the other, but it seems like a distance has opened up between us. We've slept in separate bed rooms for a year or so and tend to cook separate meals etc.

We are in our early 40s (no children thank goodness) and I will be moving away for work in October and I am beginning to really looking forward to some respite from our marital difficulties and living alone, which is something of a guilty secret.

I've tried talking through my unhappiness and frustrations with my parents although they are of the opinion that that every marriage has its ups and downs and I should tough it out. The other complicating factor is that I have depression, which makes me feel numb and cold about everything when I'm at my worse. On a day to day level it means I don't trust my feelings wholly.

The other part of me thinks the work move would be a good chance of a clean break before we hate one another and whilst we are young enough to start again.

This is by far the longest relationship in my life and in the other serious relationship was ended by the other party, so the endgame of a long term relationship is new territory for me. I don't know whether this is a relationship in its death throes or just a rough patch that all marriages go through.

Any advice would be very helpful!

Sounds like you know the answer already. Your relationship sounds like it’s run it’s course and neither of you really want to be in it.
It’s hard to admit sometimes but maybe you just want to stay because it’s familiar and starting again is scary.
I would suggest working on yourself, your depression and your general well being

It sounds like you are pretty much living separate lives anyway. I guess the question is do you want to work things out? Does she? You probably need to sit down and have a proper talk about your feelings with each other. If you are looking forward to moving away, that's not really a good sign is it?

That sounds awful for you, it doesn't have to be screaming at each other to be hurtful.

When you think about living alone and looking forward to it, do you imagine her visiting often? do you imagine missing her? if you don't then yes, it does sound like its over

Really sorry to be harsh and blunt but it sounds me to like you already know the answer that it’s over i’m sorry that she’s cheated on you but I think your probably better off just calling it a day and moving on. You young enough to start over and work on yourself and focus on getting yourself better.

In answer to some of the questions, I look forward to the idea of moving away and being in my own, but in reality it might be quite different. I worry I'd get lonely quite quickly. For illustration she's away on holiday with her sister and brother in law at the moment and I feel a sense of release and less anxious than I normally do. However that's quite time limited period of time so perhaps not a realistic guide. A big part of me fears loneliness and worry about being on my own for the rest of my life. My new work contract is only for 18 months so a decision will have to be made.

As for talking about out problems, yes I've tried but she usually starts crying and then the focus of the conversation switches to me trying to comfort her. Talking about serious stuff and feelings is genuinely hard for her.

That said, she seems more happy with the current set up than I am, she doesn't like change or upheaval, so is more prepared to potter along than I do.

She says she'll visit, and I plan to come back once a month as we have a pet we both adore and I can't imagine losing contact with him altogether.

I think what it oil's down to is whether depression is fuelling the unhappiness in our marriage or if the issues in the marriage are fuelling my feelings of depression.

shoit the cheating bothers me little in the context of the wider problems, I didn't feel all the things people are supposed to feel, I didn’t feel vengeful or angry, the actual act of unfaithfulness I felt numb about and the anger of how and why she told me hurt.

I can’t tell you about your own marriage, but it seems to me that, if you were truly happy, you'd be upset at the thought of your job separating the two of you. Instead you’re relieved. That says a lot to me.

Have you ever considered marriage counselling? That whole process may answer some of those questions you have. Unless something dramatically unforgivable happened, I wouldn't leave my husband without first trying some sort of counselling as you made a commitment when you said your vows "for better or for worse" ...

Aside from the cheating I feel like I could be your partner, I’m in a very familiar situation with my oh. Her being ‘happy to potter along’ could actually be her desperately hoping you get control of your depression and go back to the person she fell in love with. Living with someone who suffers from depression is incredibly difficult, if you aren’t going to look into helping yourself overcome those feelings she isn’t going to be falling over herself to beg you to stay. I crave time away from husband as I cannot stand being around his moodiness, his coldness and his general uninterest in everything we do but at the same time can’t picture divorcing the man I know he is underneath

Thanks for the replies, I should have clarified some other stuff

I was diagnosed with depression in my teens and have been on antidepressants for years. It has been a persistent feature of our entire relationship rather than being a new feature, so I can't boil it down to simple cause and effect.

I have seen a counsellor and am quite open to the idea of Relate, but she finds it hard to talk about feelings and is quite sceptical about talking therapies in general, which I totally understand that it isn't everyone's cup of tea.

“I think what it oil's down to is whether depression is fuelling the unhappiness in our marriage or if the issues in the marriage are fuelling my feelings of depression.”

Does it actually matter either way? You’re not happy in your marriage.

Why flog a dead horse? Not fair on either of you.

If it’s got to the point where you only want to go home once a month- and that’s mostly to see the dog/cat, then it’s time to call it a day for both of your sakes.

The fact you said ‘thank goodness’ when stating the fact you have no DC speaks volumes. If you have no children because you loathe children and never wanted them then fair enough but you didn’t need to add the ‘thank goodness’ caveat if that were the case. I think you added it because you are pleased you have no real commitment with her. Marriage, sure but you can divorce and once you do, be rid of her all together.

I think you know the marriage is over and you are searching for validation in that decision. She has cheated on you and betrayed your trust, neither of you get along and you have no real bond anymore by the sounds of it. This goes beyond a temporary blip or communication breakdown, it sounds as though your marriage has been over for quite a long time.

Use the fact you are working away as a good reason to get away from her, for good.

For me, I was sitting across from him in a pub and he was telling a joke/story and I zoned out, and had a sudden realisation that I wasn’t in love with him anymore.
With hindsight it had been building for some time, we barely had sex anymore and had become more like friends than partners.
As I was looking at him I knew I loved him as a person, as a friend, but I wasn’t in love with him like I was before. It was really upsetting to be hit with it like that.
I ended it a few days later. He was devastated and claimed he had no idea. Years later I bumped into him by chance and he admitted he knew deep down the relationship had run its course too, but didn’t realise until a bit later.

Only you can make the call if it’s the end or a rough patch, but you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy, and so does she, even if it’s painful to get there, and even if that means ending it.

The idea that, having married, you have to put up with a miserable grind of a relationship that brings nothing positive to your life is a poisonous one. Some relationships have a limited lifespan. It sounds like you would both be happier apart. There are no kids to consider, so work out how you would divide the assets and file for divorce. It might sting a bit at first but it will be much better soon.

I would know it was over when I couldn't be bothered to fight for it anymore, a few times I've driven off in despair but I've always returned. There's been a few things that have been said which even today I can't quite get over but I know I love him and he still makes me laugh. The day I no longer find him funny will also be the day I know it's over. He's the funniest person I've ever known.

The fact you said ‘thank goodness’ when stating the fact you have no DC speaks volumes

Sorry, what I wrote was rather ambiguous. I meant that it would have been bad having children caught up in the midst of the tension.

I think you know the marriage is over and you are searching for validation in that decision. She has cheated on you and betrayed your trust, neither of you get along and you have no real bond anymore by the sounds of it.

Written down it sounds not great, but whilst it hasn't been a happy few months, there are occasional glimpses which make me doubt myself. She is very charismatic when she's in the mood and sometimes I can enjoy being around her. For example we've been out with mutual friends a few times of late and had an enjoyable night.