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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I talk to my parents about their house move?

17 replies

CoughLaughFart · 27/08/2018 16:37

Or rather the lack of one?

My parents have been renting for many years due to financial difficulties in the past. They want their own place again, so cashed in my father’s pension plan. They put in an offer on a place, but it fell through because they needed a top-up loan and couldn’t get it. This was over 18 months ago. Since then they’ve offered on one other place and were outbid - otherwise, nothing.

The area they live in now (which they like) was potentially affordable three years ago, but not now. The same goes for the area my brother lives (my mother’s other top choice). My father, who is generally more realistic, has managed to get her to compromise on a cheaper nearby area and I thought they were finally getting somewhere.

However, I can’t remember the last time they physically viewed a property. My mum finds something wrong with every one they see online - ‘It needs a lot of work’; ‘the kitchen’s VERY small’; ‘it’s not a very nice view from the back’. I get that they probably won’t move again in their lifetime, but they simply can’t afford somewhere in perfect condition and exactly where they want it. My dad was getting hugely frustrated, but even he seems to have given up now and is saying ‘maybe we should just wait a bit’. Just waiting a bit is pricing them out of the areas they want even further. Meanwhile they’re paying out significant rent every month and have no income from the pension scheme.

If they were happy to rent, I wouldn’t interfere. But this was THEIR choice. And they’re not happy. My dad wants to retire, but can’t while there’s still rent to pay. The past two Christmases it’s been ‘Hopefully we’ll be in our own place for next Christmas’. I can just hear my mum wistfully saying ‘Who’d have thought we’d still be here for another Christmas?’ come December - but I don’t think they’ve even looked at anywhere this year.

It feels odd to talk about giving my own parents a ‘talking to’, but I’m worried for them. They wouldn’t think twice about talking to me if I was dragging my feet like this - when I bought my first house I couldn’t go a day without my dad asking if I’d spoken to the estate agent, had I chased my solicitor etc. If they can give out advice, shouldn’t they be able to hear it?

What would you do?

OP posts:
Alpacanorange · 27/08/2018 16:51

What can you do ?

CoughLaughFart · 27/08/2018 16:53

I can’t force them to do anything, but it’s easier for them to bury their heads in the sand if no one asks them about it. It might at least make them think.

OP posts:
Jezzifishie · 27/08/2018 17:00

I think it very much depends on your relationship with them. My parents have been dragging their feet for years over moving, I know that nothing I say will change anything. OTOH, my in laws recently had a house and job move that sounded a bit worrying to my DH - he had a chat with them to discuss his concerns. They took it well and the move went ahead, but now everyone is aware of each others concerns and the relationship is better. (Hope that makes sense!)

PrimalLass · 27/08/2018 17:02

Why wouldn't you talk to them about it?

CSIblonde · 27/08/2018 17:02

It sounds like the reality of it has overfaced them & it's head in the sand time. Offer to help & say/reinforce no such thing as perfect but this could be painted, kitchen doors replaced etc etc. I used to work for an EA:some buyers can't 'see' what a house would be like with different decor & a few 'tweaks'. You often have to be Kirstie & Phil & spell it out as you walk them round

Bluelady · 27/08/2018 17:03

I'd be more worried about my dad cashing in his pension plan if I were you. Who DOES that?

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2018 17:36

I’m astonished at how shortsighted some buyers are because of decor - our house was unsold for a year before we bought it - you could feel they’d given up hope.

Pinkcadillac · 27/08/2018 17:44

Talk to them. I don't see a problem with cashing in their pension plan but they need to make it worthwhile by buying soon, IMO

CoughLaughFart · 28/08/2018 01:56

I'd be more worried about my dad cashing in his pension plan if I were you. Who DOES that?

People who need/want a lump sum of money? This is why I’m worried about them not using it.

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 28/08/2018 02:01

Why wouldn't you talk to them about it?

Because, at the end of the day, they’re adults. I want to talk to them, but I can’t force them to listen.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/08/2018 02:44

Well ok you can't force anything but I'd be concerned too and would speak to them. It does sound as though they're burying their heads in the sand and while obviously it's entirely up to them what they do, it's not unreasonable for you to be worried about their future.

As you say, they've already been priced out of some areas they'd have liked plus they're not getting any younger. You'd have to wonder if they've been dipping into the lump sum too.

It doesn't have to be a "talking to", you can just bring up the topic next time you see them and say you were wondering have they changed their minds. Perhaps you could get your brother on side too?

F1reintheWh0le · 28/08/2018 03:52

In the past if you had a private pension you had to buy an annuity. However, the rules changed recently and you are allowed to cash in your pension and spend it as you wish. So they may expect to live on state pension only in the future. Or they may have a little bit of personal pension left.

agnurse · 28/08/2018 04:40

Really, all I can suggest is that if they bring it up, you say, "Mum, Dad, all I'll say is that you have the choice to move. Other than that, I don't want to hear about it. [Change of subject.]"

At the end of the day, as long as they're competent to make their own decisions, you can't make their finances and/or happiness your problem. You CAN refuse to listen to their griping about things they can change but choose not to do.

Bluelady · 28/08/2018 06:37

Anyone expecting a comfortable retirement on the state pension's deluded. Meanwhile, they continue paying rent and throwing money down the drain that they could be saving for their retirement. If I were them I'd be feeling quite panicky.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/08/2018 06:43

Your mum will never move, so it won't happen.

Talk to your dad and see if he can reinvest his pension money!

junebirthdaygirl · 28/08/2018 07:17

Are you sure they are not spending the pension so don't have enough money to move? Nothing you can do about that. Could you keep an eye on properties and suggest going with them to view? They may just have run out of steam.

Sarahlou63 · 28/08/2018 07:21

You could suggest that they buy a rental property if they can't find something suitable for them to live in. At least they would be getting an return on the lump sum.

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