To not want to be my mother's shoulder to cry on

[Dotheflossyfloss]

For background. When I was 10 my dad had an affair. It destroyed my mother. They were married 20 years.
What I can't forgive though is the way my mother handled it. I was going through hell and sat and watched her drinking straight vodka every night, she would tell me to cuddle her in bed while she cried. She brought strange men back to the house at weekends and didn't care I would see everything. She took a load of pills in front of me, attacked my dad on several occasions. My dad did wrong...very wrong. But the way She was and the way She treated me was despicable. She used to shout and scream at me blaming me for the men not wanting to come back to her because of me. She said I was jealous. I remember I was so scared one day I ran to a random house and asked to come in. The family had a baby, they gave me juice and comforted me before sending me home.

My mum and dad got back together. They have been together years now. I'm 28.
She texted me today saying how she is ready for leaving him with his drinking and eating habits. How she can't stand him....i am absolutely livid. She messed up my whole childhood and is still trying to use me as a shoulder to cry on. I ignored her. She has three sisters she can go and moan to about my dad yet doesn't realise the damage she inflicted on to me as a child.

I hate spending time with both my parents now. I love them but I don't like them as people.
Aibu to think she should not be texting me about her marital problems?

I'm so sorry OP - your parents both seem to have been oblivious to the harm they caused you as a child. Have they ever acknowledged the fact that their actions were damaging to you or was it all swept under the carpet once they got back together?

In all honesty the relationship sounds pretty toxic. What do you get out of it? They get a dutiful daughter who puts up with a lot. You? You get heartache, stress and a rotten childhood. I'd LTB (leave them both) to their own fucked up emotional crap and go NC...

I’m sorry you had to go through that. Yanbu. Tell your mum she needs to find a friend to tell this stuff to. You are daughter to both of them and it’s not appropriate for her to tell you this stuff. If she doesn’t take that on board I’d avoid her calls and keep a low profile. You deserve better.

No you and not unreasonable at all.
Has she ever accounted for the way she ruined your childhood?

It was all swept under the carpet and never brought up again. All of it.
I never feel at ease with them, it's all walking on eggshells. They both have a temper.
I brought them to a family party dp was having. My dad got drunk quickly and sat there with his face like fizz all night. People were wishing him happy birthday and he was offended, didn't even answer them.
I would have liked them to have made an effort but they just embarrassed me.
I can be in my mother's company for 5 minutes and just want to leave.
I feel bad for feeling like this because my my mum wants us to be close but I hate it.

They both sound very selfish. They are your mum and dad yes, but I think they've treated you terribly and it might be worth stepping back and concentrating on you for a while. They're adults and can sort their own shit out.

You don't have to put up with this sort of behaviour. Going along with it and not saying anything is damaging to you. I would limit contact when you can and next time she tries this shit shut her down. Simply tell her you are not happy with her talking to you about this and put the phone down. Some people are toxic but they can only hurt you if you let them. Sorry you have shit parents btw.

It's only because of the harm your mum has done that you're asking us if your reactions are unreasonable. Of course YANBU, poor thing!

From where I'm sitting it's obvious that your parents, and in particular your DM, are very selfish, immature and unkind people. They sound horrible, tbh. You're 28 now and I'm sure that if you knew an adult who behaved to a child the way your DM treated 10 year old you, you would be shocked and appalled.

From what you say I'd be surprised if your DM has any memory or any discomfort about how she behaved during your childhood. If you raise it she will probably make it all about her again. I'm not sure I'd advise you to even put in the emotional labour to explore it all, given that you're unlikely to reap any meaningful response.

I'd recommend going low contact and seeking some counselling to explore what happened and how it has affected you. Eventually, once you've really processed it, you might want to go no contact but this is for later. At present, you need to take your time and start slowly. Just accept that they're not very nice and they're being unreasonable.

Yanbu! Not sure what advice to give but I didn't want to read and run...

Sorry, meant to add that you should be grateful you're only 28. You're plenty young enough to create a family with your own rules: healthy, functional rules. You won't allow this to happen all over again.

YANBU. I think this is an occasion for plain speaking as in "I love you but I am not going to talk to you about this, because we've been through it all before, and you did not handle it appropriately. Talk to your sisters or, better still, a professional counsellor who can give you some unbiased insight into the situation."

Depending on her response, you might be able to maintain a reasonable relationship. I would overlook a bit of huffiness, but no actual bitchiness.

Until you are ready to confront her about the past and be prpareed for her to deny it or accuse you of exaggeration, I think a quick note back saying - 'perhaps telling this to your husband would be more proactive than discussing it with your daughter'. Yes, its blunt. She will probably get the hump but like you said, she has three sisters.

I too, was a child confidante of my Mother and it was horrible to know of hurt, betrayal, revenge, lies, manipulation, before reaching double figures. Its a thief of innocence.

Nip it in the bud, whilst you work what or if you want to do anything. Have you also considered some counselling?

I would look at this contact as a positive.

It has triggered the horror that she put you through as a child and the damage which you have probably buried. This stuff always comes out, when you have a child, when life goes wrong, if your relationship is struggling.

So as others have said take responsibility to heal this by processing it through therapy.

Don't even bother explaining anything to your DM or DF - they sound like toxic alcoholics - just go NC to protect yourself and signpost her elsewhere.

I am sorry that you have been emotionally abused and exploited as a child but deal with it now before it pollutes any more of your life.

I feel your pain OP. My mum hates my dad and since I was a little girl has told me so. I am her only friend (her words) and she is totally dependent on him but she hates him. From the age of 7, I comforted her when he had affairs and listened to her talking about their sex life and how much she hated it. He was unfaithful and always in debt. I knew far more than any child or teenager should about my parents love life. At 75 she is still trying to use me as her means to escape him always asking me to take her out or she will kill herself etc. I have had years of therapy to stop myself feeling guilty for not rescuing her. I am now 51 and I have distanced myself as much as my guilt allows. I know how hard it is but please try to do the same. I now see her once a week and cope for 3 hours and when I come out I block it out. Maybe find someone you can off load to? Try and manage it because it's not easy to go no contact I understand that. I just repeat "it's not my job to rescue" her until I manage to block my guilt. I feel so much for you x