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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to continue searching for my (half) brother?

21 replies

MissusGeneHunt · 27/08/2018 08:53

Sorry – a bit of War and Peace… but I hope this may be life changing for me.

My father left when I was very small (I’m now 47) and there was NC for many years until I found him through other rellies when I was 14. Background info – I have a great relationship with my mum. No ‘full’ DS or DB. Discussion around father when I was young a no-go area due to living with my grandmother and her vitriolic hatred for dad (due to him leaving mum).

After finding dad through NZ based grandparents), forged a decent enough relationship but he was living back in Australia so from the UK it was not ideal. I also forged a good relationship with my (then) step mum, and when she was travelling Europe when I was 24 I met up with her. She’d by then split up with DF.
As we were having lunch and talking about Dad (she was still obsessed with him) I said something along the lines of ‘wouldn’t it be weird if there were more of ‘me’?’ to which she almost dropped her drink and said ‘Don’t you know?’. Dropped a bollock there, then.
Long and short of it – Dad had a son before he married my mum. I was half furious and half delighted and asap went to mum’s to ask her. She was so shocked I knew. I didn’t blame her, she had her reasons for not telling me. Then raised it with Dad (pre internet – so by letter) – little information apart from brother probably in GB as his mum resided there. They'd met on a cruise ship when Dad was working on them (he also met Mum on one too - hmmmm!). Turns out he’d parted from brother’s mother fairly swiftly and no real contact after the age of approximately 11 by which time I was born. Mum knew about Dad's son at that stage.

I eventually got to meet my dad when I was 26, flew out to Aus. He evaded the questions and made light of the fact that ‘there are probably more in Sydney’ (he was based in Melbourne) when I asked if there were any others! The visit is another story altogether.

Dad died in 2002 under tragic circumstances. Went back out to manage the estate and found nothing relevant in his paperwork apart from a couple of photos.

Have asked other rellies including my Uncle (his brother) – no information. I know his first name, his approximate DOB (year) and that’s about it. Nothing apart from one photo I carry around with me of Dad and my brother in about 1972.

I’ve tried: Salvation Army (won’t help as my dad and brother’s mother not married at time of birth – WTF); free birth records online – think I’ve got as far as determining definite DOB if brother is using my birth surname too; DNA match – nothing. Even applied for Davina's family search TV programme!

AIBU to continue my search or is it fruitless? And please, please, if you have any other ideas on how I can find him, please tell me (preferably those that I don’t have to take out another mortgage for). I feel I still ‘need’ to know. I don’t think he knows about me though, and what i would do with the information should I find him, I don't know. Thank you and sorry for the essay….

OP posts:
Original poster
MissusGeneHunt · 27/08/2018 12:49

Sorry... Bump for hopeful traffic. Have also posted in other relevant thread, but hoping for more here. Thank you so much...

OP posts:
scoobyd2 · 27/08/2018 13:06

Sorry, no real advice, but didn't want to read and run... but you may have to resort to leg-work. If you have his first name and assume he may be using same surname what about public electoral register? If there are several people with same name you might just have to start finding phone numbers and calling round. Census information, that may help you tie up name and age if you have his DoB? I'm guessing here, I generally try to avoid family, rather than find them....

Randomusername01 · 27/08/2018 13:06

Have your tried a FB post. If you have some details (Which you do) then make a post and ask your friends to share it. Its amazing how many people a fb post can reach. I have seen a few locally that have managed to reunite lost siblings.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2018 13:12

I agree a simple FB post starring your information and intentions.

Maybe even a photo

kaytee87 · 27/08/2018 13:15

I’ve tried: Salvation Army (won’t help as my dad and brother’s mother not married at time of birth – WTF);

It's probably that they can't help as he won't be on birth certificate. If they had been married then he would be.

I agree with trying Facebook.

Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 27/08/2018 13:17

Never give up. Try the Search Squad or DNA Detectives pushed on Facebook. They are excellent and so helpful and understanding. Even speaking to people on those pages in the same situation may help. And good luck!!

Randomusername01 · 27/08/2018 13:19

@kaytee87 The salvation Army only helps if your mum and dad were married, I know from experience. Nothing to do if the father was on the birth certificate (as mines was).

op, have you tried your local registrars office? Ours charges an hourly rate (think it was £15) and will help you search birth/death/marriage certificates. You can also go online to do this too.

EggMayonnaise · 27/08/2018 13:20

Have you been on genesreunited? There is a forum there with a section for tracing living relatives. There are a lot of people on there that are tracing their own family trees and are very knowledgable about doing so.

I would suggest posting on there and see if anyone can give you some pointers.

Good luck with your search.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 27/08/2018 13:21

No advice, but in exactly same situation. Placemarking to come back later ! Feel free to PM me.

gabsdot · 27/08/2018 13:33

One thing you could do is to have a DNA test and register the result. If your DB has also had a DNA test then you will be matched up. It's a long shot but it might work
Good luck
My dad had 3 long lost siblings who he eventually found. It took a lot of leg work, determination and eventually a plea on local radio to find them all.

HaveSomeGrace · 27/08/2018 13:45

If your dad was on your brothers birth certificate, and your brother was born in the U.K., Ancestry.co.uk will list all children born to a person. I’ve used it myself for searching and it was very useful. It is, however, a paid website.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/08/2018 13:57

Do you know his mothers name even just her birth name? My granddad managed to locate his nephew and niece through their mothers name using Ancestry.com as her birth name was on their BCs (they were his brothers children but they were illegitimate).

Original poster
MissusGeneHunt · 27/08/2018 15:53

To everyone.... Thank you so, so much, there's some great ideas here. The Salvos actually said it was because they were married and I could almost hear the disgust in the tone of the letter!!

I shall try all the ideas (DNA match tried already) and thank you again. Been off FB for about two years but will go for that too.

Many thanks to all of you. Flowers

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 27/08/2018 16:01

If you have a place of birth, perhaps search and see if that town has a local newspaper, and then send in an appeal in the form of a reader's letter?

ivykaty44 · 27/08/2018 16:11

I would pay to view electoral roll
But first check the maiden name of his mother on the GRO indexes. Then see if she married - use the GRO indexes. You may need to purchase the birth certificate you believe is his to gain further information ( just because a couple isn’t married doesn’t mean the fathers name won’t be on the birth certificate- but there are rules concerning this)

Try Facebook, but be careful, don’t bark up the wrong tree, be very sure you have the correct person before any contact for several reasons...

Original poster
MissusGeneHunt · 27/08/2018 22:54

@ivykaty44 thank you for the FB warning... Good point.

Sadly I don't know his mother's name. Noone seems to be able to remember, ie my mum and uncle. I'm literally going on likely dob, his first name and my dad's name. Long shot or what!

Makes you think of all the conversations you should have when older relatives are alive.

I'll try all the ideas which everyone has kindly given, and see what happens.

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 27/08/2018 22:59

There's another hour of the ancestry.com free weekend left, so you could get searching in there now using the info that you have. You'd be looking g for his birth records.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/08/2018 00:04

Could the salvation army thing simply be that because they were not married your brother is only considered a "possible" relative. I.e. you have no proof he is a relative. They do say they don't consider searches for "possible" relatives.

I just can't believe they would be that judgmental!

AnEPleaseBob · 28/08/2018 00:12

I think you misunderstood the reply from the Sally Army. They are so not judgemental, they find all sorts of people in all kinds of situations.
They wouldn't search for you because they don't search for possible relatives. You have no proof at all that he is a relative, you don't know his mother, you don't know his actual name...you simply do not meet their criteria for the service they offer.
Which is a wonderful one by the way, and only one of the many services they offer. Please don't disparage them .

Best of luck finding your brother, I second the suggestion to register a dna sample with companies offering the service,

ivykaty44 · 28/08/2018 06:02

Ancestry website is free to use in many libraries around the country - pop along to your library and see if they have the package, use for free there for many hours

When your father passed did he live a will? You can search probate to find out if a will was administered- this may contain names. It’s £10 for a copy of a will

cafenoirbiscuit · 28/08/2018 09:01

If you have the money, contact Finder Monkey. They traced DH’s birth mum very easily and quickly. Good luck !

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