Am I being unreasonable? If so, I need your feedback!

[JustWondering99]

Hello,

I joined this forum because, although I’m not a parent, I value the input of female members. It takes women to really and genuinely understand women. Most of us men are quite hopeless at doing so (well, I know that I am).

I’m in my early 60s. I’m technically married although I have been separated from my spouse for over 3 years. That is to say, I’ve lived as a bachelor since early 2015 in a separate flat. Alone (well, with my five cats).

I never felt the need to get a divorce as this paper would not have changed anything in my daily life (the fact that we were officially separated and living separate lives).

I was utterly convinced that, at my age, I wouldn’t find love again and I was quite happy to accept the fact that I would spend the rest of my life alone (well, “alone” with my cats).

But, nothing is written and life has the wonderful authority to surprise you... When you expect it less... A year ago, I met a woman 10 years my junior (a difference of age which I thought was acceptable). We spent about a year “socializing” (going on dates visiting museums, going to movies together, going to restaurants, etc.). Then, about a month ago, after a full year “dating”, we crossed our Rubicon and decided to become a couple. Basically, this meant having sex (I prefer to say “make love”) and deciding to become an “official” couple and decide to make a success of our relationship.

I must stress two important things:

1. She was never happy with the fact that I was still officially a married man and asked me to ask for a divorce as soon as possible. I can totally understand her point of view. And I did contact several lawyers to start the divorce process.

2. It was very difficult for me to get back in a fully functioning sexual relationship with a woman. I had lost my confidence in my ability to do so. And my own body betrayed me more than once with her.
   She always was very patient with me. Never criticising me, never pressurising me, always giving me the time to accept the status of our new relationship. I gave her many times wonderful orgasms with my tongue, but never could get my own. I was totally focused on her and not on me.

But still, she was patient, understanding, and always told me that my problem was temporary and would eventually disappear. I thank her for this vote of confidence in me.

Yesterday evening, she came to visit me in my flat. We ended up in bed and we started to make love.

As we were making love (which is the most intimate act a woman and a man can have), she suddenly asked me: “ How is your divorce going? Did you get news from your solicitor?”. I repeat, whilst we were making love...

I must admit I took this very badly.

I immediately left the bed and told her she had ruined the moment. I told her that I understood her concerns but that she was wrong to ask me this question whilst we were actually making love.

And that she could have waited 30 minutes to ask me this. Her concerns were genuine, but I still think that there is a place and time to ask such questions – not whilst you’re actually making love.

At the end of the day, I still don’t know if I were an utter pr*ck for having dismissed her concerns whilst we were making love. For not having understood her concerns. I still think that she was utterly wrong to mention this whilst we were making love, but my point is that being right or wrong is not really the issue.

What is important to me is that I love this woman and that I don’t know to handle her. I appreciate her concerns. I can’t understand how she chooses to handle them.

If I have been a pr*ck in this situation, please tell me so.
If you have some good pieces of advice, please tell me so too.
Any help will be gracefully received.

I'd say her timing was rubbish I wouldn't have appreciated her killing the moment either!

Have you spoken to your wife about divorce/found out how she feels about it?
Usage objecting/slowing things down?

I doubt your lover ment any harm,she's just eager to have you to herself,which in circs isn't unreasonable

But YANBU to be offended/upset

You sound a bit precious to be honest.

I would have laughed it off saying something like ‘ now? Really? and got back into it.

Yabu for saying 'make love'.

I would say that her timing was shit. However it's something, that is obviously weighing heavily on her, for her to say this when she did.

Have you don't anything apart from visit some solicitor?

I don't think you sound precious- i think you sound very nice and a gentleman, quite traditional/old fashioned, and 'making love' is a big deal for you which is nice. It's understandable that you got upset when she brought it up at this time and it doesn't make you a prick- you can't help how you feel.
However she can't help how she feels either and it's obviously been playing on her mind a lot, and I know when something is bothering me I can't relax and have sex, so maybe she just blurted it out.
You just need to sit down and have a proper talk about how you both feel about it

Thanks for your feedback. I thought too that her timing was rubbish. But at the end of the day I love this woman. I'm prepared to forgive her many things, but not talking about this whilst we're making love.

I am a UK expat living en Colombia - married with a Colombian woman.

In answer to your question, my current wife won't give me a divorce... I have to go the hard way with her...

My priority is not really with her.

I simply don't wish to appear as a pr*ck with this new woman who trusted me. But it's difficult organizing things.

She wants to feel important and loved and part of that comes from you cutting ties to a woman who once held that position. It's about security for her, knowing you're committed enough to take that step.

I totally get why she asked and maybe you haven't been as transparent in the conversation as you could've been. Keep her in the loop, make her feel special and loved and your priority.

She probably feels shit from your reaction and she'll need some reassurances that the relationship is worth her time. Particularly if you haven't orgasmed with her. It's another element of the relationship to add to her insecurities.

I think that if you value this new relationship you need to be taking all steps possible towards a divorce as quickly as is possible. You should also keep your new partner up to date with the process.

In answer to your question, my current wife won't give me a divorce... I have to go the hard way with her...

But in regards to the divorce, what else have you done, apart from seeing a few solicitors?

My priority is not really with her. I simply don't wish to appear as a prck with this new woman who trusted me. But it's difficult organizing things.*

But the divorce is clearly a priority for your girlfriend. If you know this is priority her, it shoild be for you . I can grasp difficult to organise things. But do you communicate to your new girlfriend, what you are doing?

Because I think she suspects that you won't push for the divorce. That in 2,3,4,5 years time you will be still married and saying how difficult it is. She thinks you might be leading her on in regards to your divorce and she doesn't want to be with you unless you get a divorce.

Difficult does not mean impossible and if you really care about your new girlfriend you will do as you agreed and pursue the divorce. Be open and honest about how it's going with your partner and go from there. If you don't want to divorce, be honest with your partner and then let her decide what she wants to do.

A difficult divorce never became easier by inaction.

She shouldn’t have asked when she did - it wasn’t the right time, or at all appropriate. I would prioritise finalising your divorce but YANBU to be upset about her choice of timing.

if i was your dp i would have chose my timing better, i wouldn't be happy about you talking about our love life on an internet forum because it comes across as a bit creepy. but i would want to know about how a divorce was proceeding.

and people commenting on op expression used such as 'making love' aren't helpful, they just come across as twuntish, everyone should be able to say how they feel without being mocked.

30 minutes! go you

Really bad timing on her part

I agree that the timing was poor. It sounds as though your partner started worrying about it, and then couldn't concentrate on your love-making - rather like people who 'ruin the moment' by suddenly wondering aloud if they might have left the oven on. If you're an anxious sort of person, it can be difficult to relax and enjoy sex - whether the worry beleaguering you is trivial or significant.

It boils down to a need on your part to get the divorce moving along. In the circumstances, it would be appropriate to give your partner updates about how it is progressing.

I suspect she has an underlying fear that while you remain technically married, there's a possibility of reconciliation with your spouse. Allowing three years to elapse without initiating a divorce could be interpreted as your hanging around in the hope she might 'take you back' (regardless of who initiated the divorce) - particularly if your split was amicable, or if you have generally refrained from criticising your estranged wife to your new partner.

So, two pieces of advice - 1. get going on your divorce and 2. try to 'clear the decks' of possible sources of worry before you initiate sex, by asking your partner what's on her mind.

Wishing the best to you, your partner and your five cats (fellow cat-lover here . )

In terms of timing, she is likely to be at her most relaxed and trusting of you during your most intimate moments - and so that makes it easier for her to ask questions that she would otherwise be nervous about at that time.

You seem to be defensive about the divorce. Are you reluctant to go through with it? Do you see it as a failure to make it official?

I think your reaction might have been excessive.

Troll in the dungeon

Is this a reverse?

lol at 'crossed our Rubicon'

when is yr book out, 10/10 would buy