To be annoyed that my parents deny I was bullied 25 years ago?

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Talking to my parents tonight about getting DS into a good school so he doesn’t go through the awful bullying I experienced at the local comp. They’ve denied any knowledge of me ever being bullied and said they thought I was “happy” as a teenager.

They apparently don’t remember me crying several times a week and telling them I was miserable. They don’t remember me having no friends. My mother doesn’t remember regularly getting hysterical because I was hurting her by crying and being depressed. My father doesn’t remember telling me to stop crying because it was upsetting my mother and not helping the situation. They don’t remember me refusing to go to school. Or the meetings they had with the woman (psychologist of some kind) that the school sent out. Or forcing me to go to school with threats that the authorities would “take me away” and “drug me with happy pills” if I didn’t go to school quietly and stop talking about feeling depressed and afraid.

I know it was 25 years ago but it was a terrible life changing experience that destroyed four years of my life and has had lifelong effects, and them denying it happened has really upset me.

Sometimes the mind doesn't want to remember hurtful things and it switches off. It's self protection. Maybe that's what's happened.

I am really sorry to hear what happened to you, it must have been awful, and very traumatic.

I can only imagine that your parents must be "sweep it under the rug" types? Perhaps it harms their narrative of the perfect parents / happy family that they like to imagine they were. Perhaps they are ashamed by the shitty way they dealt with you and the situation back then. Perhaps they are both aware that they made things worse for you.

They know full well what happened. They can deny it all they like, but they know.

OP lots of parents deny what their children went through when under 18 simply because it makes them feel better in themselves to deny their children's traumatic experiences and rewrite history.

This is why it's helpful sometimes to have siblings or even extended family members who aren't so involved as they have no reason to deny your experiences.

I've had conversations over the years with my older siblings and some of their random partners about incidents that happened, which my parents completely denied when they were alive. In many cases my parents denied it because it implicates them as being neglectful and/or uncaring.

They do remember. They’ll never admit it because they also sound like bullies. I am sorry for what you went through

I'm sorry you went through that I know a bit about how you feel. My own parents are similar, they say they don't remember that I was bullied at school. But I know they do, they just don't want to admit they didn't do anything about it because at the time they didn't know what to do. It's very hurtful.

I can relate. My mum once dismissed the prolonged verbal bullying I received all through school as 'just friendly teasing which you took the wrong way'. Absolutely untrue and the hurt's never left me. She also had/has a way of making me feel guilty for upsetting her with problems that happen(ed) in my life (Note present tense even though I'm 50 now), my mum would turn on the waterworks and then my dad would yell at me for upsetting her, etc. I don't know why some parents have to make their children's hurts all about themselves. Sorry you went through it too. :(

Really sorry to hear you were bullied, OP. I don't think YABU at all! I can imagine my parents doing this sort of thing too, it is very frustrating!!

It didn’t seem like they were upset or in denial. They were genuinely puzzled as they claimed this stuff never happened and they thought I was happy. They were otherwise good parents and I’ve always been confused why they didn’t try to help me.

My mother would make me feel guilty for crying because she’d wail and sob about how much it hurt her to see me cry. No thought about the fact I was upset - just how it made her feel. And then my father would get angry because I was upsetting my mother and not conforming to what he considered acceptable behaviour. So in the end I did stop talking about it or crying in front of them because I was never helped, just told I was bad for upsetting them by daring to cry. I can see how they might have therefore not appreciated how bad it was, but don’t see how they can deny it happened at all?

I had a similar experience a few years ago with my mother. I was talking to her on the phone about my DS changing school and mentioned the time my DSis and I were to change school - about 30 years ago, and she completely denied it.

DSis and I were sent to a private girls school which I always hated, never fitted in, and in 1st and 2nd year I was bullied by a group of former friends. Our parents told us that they'd decided to send us to the local state school, and that we'd be moving school in a few weeks time. I was delighted - just so happy! Then, 2 days before we were supposed to change school, we were told that it wasn't happening. My parents said that they'd gone into the new school for a meeting to discuss some details of us starting there and the Head Teacher had told them what to do when we were bullied. My parents said that because the teacher said "when" not "if" we were bullied that they had changed their minds and we weren't to go there after all, but stay in our current school - where I was already being bullied! I was completely distraught - weeping, wailing, screaming. I shut myself in my bedroom, cut up all my school photos - I just wanted to destroy something, anything, I think.

That whole experience of being given hope, then having it snatched away from me was excruciating, and like the OP, affected me deeply.

And my mother said none of that had happened. I couldn't believe it. I went through all of those details with her. I told her I remembered overhearing a conversation between my parents and my granny about us leaving the private school and my granny offering to help with the fees and my father saying it wasn't about the money. According to my mother, none of that happened, and we were never going to that school.

After that conversation with my mother, I really started to doubt my own memory or thought I was going mad.

Fortunately, I have a sister! I phoned her, told her what had just been said, and my sister remembers it all just the same as I do, including how distressed and upset I had been.

I have no idea at all why mother does this. She denies other things as well. Anything that doesn't reflect well on her choices as a parent is dismissed, ridiculed or denied.

I don't get it.

for you OP. It's horrible to have your own painful reality negated by your own parents.

Thinking about it, when I cried with post natal depression my mother cried because she was upset by how I was behaving. Apparently I was hurting her by having PND and daring to cry. There was no help, just blame for daring to cry and thus upsetting her. So I guess nothing has changed.

OP then they are in denial.

My mother acted the same to some of the incidents that happened to me and my father backed her up.

Same thing with my brother.

Parents apparently didn't realise he was badly bullied at secondary school. To the extent when I then felt guilty for bringing it up, as if they had been in the dark for all those 5 years!

It has just really upset me thinking is it my fault I wasn’t helped because I wasn’t clear enough in letting them know I was being bullied? Since they apparently had no idea.

My parents do this all the time and it drives me insane. It's always things that would put them in a bad light isn't it?
So I make sure that If one of my DC asks me if I remember an event (usually things like the time we found a leaf, nothing as traumatic as your instance), if not, I'll say "sorry darling, must have forgotten that, tell me all about it" instead of insisting they're wrong.

OP there's a thread at the moment called something like "Tell Me Your Narc Mum's Most Outrageous Stunts" which you may find interesting. Also the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

OP I'm sorry this has happened. My father is the same - denies bullying ever occurred (although in my case he was bullying me - including hitting and the occasional kick or punch). He seems genuinely to have forgotten, like your mum, but I can't see how a parent could forget either situation. I suspect your mum has done this as she feels guilty and doesn't want to revisit her behaviour. It's shit, and it's not your fault. I'm glad you have a better parenting response to your child.

They were otherwise good parents Are you sure? My parents 'unhappened' a lot of stuff too. They also minimised a lot of my feelings. The older I get, the more I realise how far from 'good parents' they were.YANBU, by the way.

Yeah, I thought my dad was otherwise a good parent too. Then I had kids and realised that good parents don't do that stuff. I'd consider myself in need of help if I behaved like that even once, let alone dozens of times. OP, I'm sure you wouldn't consider yourself a "good parent" if you minimised your kid's issues over a long period, then denied doing so and also denied the issues existed. You're walking a better path with your kids .

Yes I fully get you.
My mum has shouted at me all my life when seeing me crying and never done anything when I was being bullied.

Last time she shouted for my tears I was in hospital with newborn DS and was going through baby blues. Guess what? That developed into full PND and I'm now on sertraline and CBT.

I have now reduced contact as much as I can, she doesn't live in the UK but in the looong WhatsApp sessions she requires to see the baby, I deal with her as she was my boss, in a business-like manner and have stopped expecting emotional connection. I'm still sad and hurt though.

Thinking about it, when I cried with post natal depression my mother cried because she was upset by how I was behaving. Apparently I was hurting her by having PND and daring to cry. There was no help, just blame for daring to cry and thus upsetting her. So I guess nothing has changed.

Your parents are only about themselves. they can only see any of your problems insofar as how they affect them. Obviously the horrendous bullying of YOU didn't affect THEM longterm so they forgot about it. I bet if you asked your mum now about your pnd she'd say "what pnd?"

The short version of the above is your parents are up their own arses.

Sorry OP. Really sorry you went through this and your parents were useless. Their uselessness doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I'd be reevaluating their position in your life if I were you. Not advocating no contact but think about what they bring to your life and maybe start minimising your expectations and their presence in your life.

Best of luck to you.

I have lots of instances of parental gaslighting/denial of events that I am sure happened in the past.

Generally it's denial of something that portrays then in a bad light. They change what happened to make them seem really great parents often at other peoples expense. As they back each other up, it is hard to prove they are 'remembering it wrong'/telling outright lies.

I'm never really certain whether they believe what they are saying or not. I've managed to prove they've been wrong a few times and after going quiet about the proven untrue story for a while - they always seem to start retelling their fake story eventually.

My DP's were the same OP. The issue was that the girl who bullied me was the daughter of their good friends, so they turned a blind eye. It wasn't until years later that the daughter of another of their good friends admitted that the same girl and ruthlessly bullied her that they believed me and cut ties with the family.

I think the biggest issue was that my DM had been popular in school and refused to see that I wasn't having the same experience as her. She can be very blinkered at times, especially with things outside her comfort zones.

Your mother will continue to make your pain and hurt all about her.
You have a narc mother and an enabling father and the combination is as toxic as hell.

Your mother is almost certainly incapable of understanding or empathising with you, she can only relate to how she feels at any one time, hence the wails of you are 'upsetting your mother' and how 'selfish' of you to be bullied all the way through school or have PND. It is insidious.

I have precisely the same problem, and have had for many years.

The only way to protect yourself from her/them is to stop confiding in her about any problems keep the relationship bright and breezy, stop looking for support and love and hold them at arms length. Find other people to help you through life's difficulties, people that do truly care and have the capacity to love and look after you properly.

I am afraid your parents on an emotional level are rubbish, they won't like the fact they are rubbish parents hence the denials and lies, but they are. Once you accept them and their limitations, understand that denying the truth does not change what happened, find your support sources elsewhere you will find things much easier.

I am having counselling and find it very helpful to get it all off my chest!

Choose a good school for your child, don't project your fears your dc will likely be just fine (and if they are not, you will spot it straight away and will support them all the way having experienced it yourself) and let your parents continue with their self deception. Focus entirely on the now and the future.

PS In my case op, not only did my mother deny school bullying she also tells herself she did not stand by and let my father hit us repeatedly for the best part of fourteen years and abused us all endlessly.

If she were to admit all of this, by default that puts her at odds with her view that she is a kind and decent person. What kind and decent person could do that one might ask?

What kind and decent person would stand by and see their child relentlessly systemically bullied and do nothing op? Your parents did and how dare you ruin their narrative that your childhood was a bed of roses.

Move away from all of it, trust yourself and your ability to be a far better parent than they ever were.

**Thinking about it, when I cried with post natal depression my mother cried because she was upset by how I was behaving

Oh God, this sounds like my mother. I confessed to suicidal feelings in a bad bout of post-natal anxiety and she told me that she wanted to hit me and that I deserved to be hit for expressing those feelings.

Any problem of mine as a child or teenager was always met with "you have no reason to be unhappy. I'm a brilliant mother" .

I was severely depressed in my 20s and I've never heard her express sympathy for me once - it's always been about how awful it was for her and how it was one of the worst experiences of HER life (I know it's hideous being around someone with severe depression, but I'd like her to acknowledge just once that it sucks being that person too).

The thing is, even if your head is pretty sure that your parent isn't a terribly nice person (my mother is so racist that she believes only white women love their kids, so sexist that, all through the trial of a particular well-known child-murderer, she was trying to blame his pre-teen female victims, and she's knowingly slept with a lot of married men), it's hard to break through from the narrative that they've created all your life, where they're the perfect selfless martyr parent and you're the selfish/ unworthy/ incompetent child.

OP.

Memory wise and when in adulthood 25 years isn't that long. Therefore it's not like they genuinely do not remember.
They don't seem to go OTT with the sensitivity so I don't think it's the fact that because seeing their child in such emotional pain and distress absolutely broke theor hearts that their mind has protected them by blocking the memory out. I'd understand that.
I think it's a case of they prefer not remember.