To feel like my OH is drinking too much?

[DecisionsDecisions21]

I'm at a loss of what to do/say/feel about this situation. As I don't know if it's my raging hormones (I'm 6 months pregnant with my second child, my OH first). My son lives with us, but goes to his paternatal father's home every other weekend. Due to holidays my son has been at his father's for 2 weekends in a row.

My OH (when not drinking) is the most wonderful man, supports with looking after my son, whilst I work and he is off school (he's a teacher), helps around the home etc. However, when he drinks, he doesnt have 1 or 2 it's always 10 plus...and he turns into an arrogant/annoying and selfish man!

My OH and I had planned to visit friends today and tomorrow and spend the night with them.

However, I have refused to go (I am preparing my son's new bedroom, so baby can have his old room). The reason being that I am fed up with my OH excessive binge drinking. The last week alone, he has drank each weekend day (Saturday and Sunday last week, Friday and Saturday night this week So far) over 50 pints! He's usually active, but has an injury which is preventing him to do his usual sport but he will be better soon. So he is also piling on the pounds, so I am also concerned about his health. He rarely drinks in the week and it's always in social situations, never by himself.

Being pregnant, I cannot stand the smell of stale beer on him and it makes my stomach churn. I have spent the last 2 night's by myself as he has been out drinking with friends (last night I was invited) but didn't want to put myself in the same position as I was in Friday night (he got home at 2am, we argued, I ended up driving around to cool off as he said something awful things, I've never felt so vulnerable in a relationship, then I came home and slept on the sofa, so as not to have to share a bed with him).

Am I being unreasonable, in thinking that he is excessively drinking and putting his social life and beer in a upper hand over me and the baby?

I don't want to be a nagging "wife" and I don't him to stop drinking or seeing his friends, but he's 38, has responsibilities and quite frankly his behaviour towards me is less than supportive (in this situation) and I feel alone and undervalued.

I have my own friendship circle, but we're all mum's and don't really go out drinking anymore. But we have meals out and I see them for play dates. Life is busy for us all, so like most we don't see each other as often as we'd like. But that's life.

What shall I do? Please help!

I think yab completely reasonable. Ultimatum now - he moderates his drinking or quits, or he’s out. Point out, when he is sober and nice, that he is filling the activity gap with booze and its not ok. He needs to find another way to cope. And tell him if he has fears about becoming a Dad he should talk to someone about it, but you need him to be here for you, your son and the new baby, and if he’s not you will not have any hesitation in ending things.

Unfortunately, you can't just tell a drinker to stop and hope it will work, It won't. On a sober day, you can explain how it makes you feel, it may not make him stop but he will have the reason if your relationship fails

"EvaHarknessRose" you're right, thank you. I'm not sure if he's filling his activity gap with drinking, but any excuse to have a drink and he's there. Generally we are really busy and fill our time with and without my son being around and tailor our weekends so we see and do as much as possible, which is usually being sociable (in my OH case an excuse for drinking)...and when you're 6 months pregnant you don't want or need to be out doing this all of the time. I want to spend time preparing for baby too, so yesterday I focused on buying baby other and getting bits and bobs for my hospital bag. But I also crave his time to do these sorts of things with me.

I left them all neatly on the table to show him and he didn't mention anything, before showering and leaving the house again to go out and continue his weekend as if nothing has happened!

Confusedbeetle, you're right and he has a lot to lose (so do I) but I know this is the way things are heading. I've definitely not picked my timings right, as it's usually when he's had a skin full.

Has he always been like this or is this just something he’s done for the last couple of weeks? If he’s always been like this it is something you should tackled way before even considering having a child with him and is going to be difficult to get him to change his ways. If it’s just recently it could be just a blip due to long holiday boredom and making a big mistake of filling his time with drinking as he is unable to do his usual hobby. Hopefully it’s the second scenario and after a serious talk he will see his error.

Mum11970 - He's always been a social drinker at weekends and I used to, but being a mum and pregnant it faded off. Whilst we were TTC he backed off drinking because it took us a while to conceive so he had a health kick.

But his old ways are coming back but worse. I suppose having me as a designated driver helps him to drink what he wants too. He really does knock them back now. Hence, the volume in the last few weeks.

I know life of going to change for him soon, as we won't be getting our "childfree" weekend anymore. So he will have to change his ways, or lose us all. As I don't want a third "man child" to look after.

I honestly hope he can hear this from you and get healthy again - good luck.

You can, and should, raise your concerns with him. You won't be able to make him change.
If you are both in watching TV tonight, I suggest you get hold of the remote and pop BBC2 on at 9pm for the Adrian Chiles documentary.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bhkc8b

Might give him pause for thought.

Thanks all, we have just sat down after he arrived home from him carrying on his social weekend! We haven't spoke in 24hours, so we have a lot to talk about. I will look at the programme too. Thank you. Wish me luck!