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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think I have done the right thing

26 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 26/08/2018 10:06

My 6 year old DD had a crap year 1 in school- she was really unhappy and had some friendship issues - it was all a bit toxic and horrible and one girl in particular made her feel ostracised. We are thinking of moving her at the end of year 2.

This summer we have just kept her away from school stuff to give her a break - we have been away on holiday, had family visiting etc. she hasn’t seen anyone from school and has been loads happier and more herself.
Anyway yesterday we bumped into the girl and her mother who made my child’s year 1 a misery- said girl was going on and on about all the friends from school she has seen over the hols etc and my child is now super upset and feeling left out again (which was the issue all year)

I thought I was doing the right thing by giving my child a break but Aibu to think it wasn’t the right thing?

I had been into school a few times as this girl was excluding my daughter, telling other girls not to play with her etc.

I just wanted to have a family summer away from all this school crap!

OP posts:
Sunflowerr · 26/08/2018 10:08

You probably couldn't have won either way. Now she feels left out, but she might have not had a nice time if she'd seen the kids from school.

Sounds like she's had a lovely summer please don't beat yourself up.

Hope year 2 is nicer for her.

Finfintytint · 26/08/2018 10:09

If she was much happier over the summer then you did the right thing.

OwlinaTree · 26/08/2018 10:10

Well if your daughter was happy all summer you haven't done the wrong thing.

When do the children go back to school? Could you arrange a play date with a child she likes before the new term starts? Get them to make something for the new teacher or something for school so they'll both be in on that on the first day. They could make biscuits for everybody or something maybe?

Whatamuddleduck · 26/08/2018 10:12

It sounds like she has had a lovely summer and that the one time she has bumped into someone from school they have been horrible. Better to have 6 nice weeks I’d say!
Hopefully things are better in yr 2 x

DolorestheNewt · 26/08/2018 10:14

You probably couldn't have won either way.
Totally this.

I'm so sorry, OP. I had so many sad days worrying about whether DS felt left out and lonely. Still do, but he's a mid-teen now and while he's never going to be the party guy, I can see that he'll not be friendless either. Hope the next year is better for you.

Zoflorabore · 26/08/2018 10:15

We don't have any friendship issues op but the reason I am replying is that it's ok to not see school friends throughout the summer, dd is 7 and about to start year 3 and hasn't really seen anyone apart from one or two who were in the same club she went to a few times.

Bearing in mind that you have your own family things to do ( holidays/days out etc) children need a break from school and it's done my dd no harm not seeing her friends.

She will pick up the friendships just fine when she returns.
Year 1 is a tough year, lots of issues in ds's class with people falling out and having new "best friends" but year 2 was totally different.

The girls in particular seemed to really grow up and tended to enjoy more group friendships aswell as individual ones. Nobody was left out like in year one.

Dd ended up being very close to a little girl who she hardly played with in reception or year one and they had lots of play dates over the year.

Keep an eye on the situation and if still not happy then move her for juniors for a fresh startFlowers

123fushia · 26/08/2018 10:17

You have done exactly the right thing. A break sounds just what she needed. If your DD wants to, you could invite one of her other friends to come and play for a couple of hours - I have usually found that shortish play sessions, with a drink and biscuit work very well, and the children ask to come back for more on another day. Very good for host child’s confidence. You sound like a lovely mum. X

Original poster
Musicforthemasses18 · 26/08/2018 10:22

Thanks everyone- it’s made me feel better- it’s been so hard and my daughter has been so bloody unhappy. Hoping year 2 will be better!

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 26/08/2018 10:31

I think you might need to be proactive in helping your daughter make friends. One other six year old really isn’t that powerful.
Invite other girls to do nice things they won’t feel able to turn down - cinema, theatre, pony riding whatever. Suggest mum has a coffee at end of the time when collecting. Focus on repeat invitations to three of four girls. Try and manipulate a nice group and plan ahead so they have shared excitement.
Teach your daughter some playground games such as French skipping or two ball games.

Neshoma · 26/08/2018 10:34

said girl was going on and on about all the friends from school she has seen over the hols etc

But how many is 'loads'? Maybe they live near each other, maybe one parent has had the other for the day?

Twillow · 26/08/2018 10:36

The girl sounds like she was repeating her habits and being a cow by rubbing your daughter's nose in it.

Dollymixture22 · 26/08/2018 10:39

Your poor daughter. Girls friendships ar pe so much more complicated than boys- and this starts so young.

Do the little girls parents know there has been an issue in school? Some parent should never see fault in their little darlings, but others would want to know and encourage their child to be kind.

I am sure you have done this - but a word with the new teacheto keep an eye might also help.

It’s so unfair that one child can have such a huge impact on another’s happiness. I hope this year is better

PaulRuddislush · 26/08/2018 10:43

Sorry your dd had a crap year. I work in a primary school and can assure you that things will get better, friends ebb and flow, new children will join the school and the class dynamic will change organically as they all mature.
I can't agree with Pavlovas advice though, trying to manipulate groups with bribery is bizarre. Children can't be controlled like that. I see it all the time, it makes no difference to how they play together at school.

AjasLipstick · 26/08/2018 10:46

My DDs never really had any social bother at primary but I certainly didn't facilitate loads of playdates when they were off!

They'd go to the odd party but those were rare in the summer holidays. Not all kids see tonnes of their mates over the holidays and especially not when they're as young as yours!

MeyMary · 26/08/2018 10:47

That sounds so difficult. It sounds like your DD had a great summer and was happy. Encountering that girl would have probably upset her anyway (=with any choice of summer holiday activities)...

I hope her 2nd year will be nicer.

Could she have a place (like a club? Choire? Dance classes) to make friends without the presence of that girl?

Original poster
Musicforthemasses18 · 26/08/2018 10:55

She’s got a place in a brownies where no school people go in Sept- I purposefully chose it away from all the school crap! Hopefully she’ll make some other friends there!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 26/08/2018 10:57

Is there any way you can move her now?

A fresh start might be the way to go, tbh.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 26/08/2018 11:06

Why are you thinking about moving her at the end of year 2?

You made a decision, with the best intentions, it’s all we can ever do.

I would have made a different decision.

Who is to know which would have been better?

I would have organised to have school friends over & to meet up with them at activities 1:1, giving her the opportunity to build stronger friendships with them individually. Unless I really couldn't stand the ‘difficult’ child, I’d have invited her too, on her own. They’re all tiny, they change friends more often than their socks!

If you can, I would invite some around 1:1 before they go back.

Whipsmart · 26/08/2018 11:07

The girl sounds like she was repeating her habits and being a cow by rubbing your daughter's nose in it.

THIS

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/08/2018 11:10

I agree with Annie, but you're doing your best for your daughter OP.
I hope things begin to improve very soon.

Topseyt · 26/08/2018 11:19

Year 2 might be different. I'd see how it is going a few weeks in before deciding to definitely move her. Friendship groups change with the wind at that age.

See if there are any children she does want to invite back for tea. Ask the teacher to keep an eye out at school and advise you of any issues. Ask what they can do to help now, as she didn't settle too well in year 1. It won't be the first time they have had this sort of thing happen.

You have done well to give her a nice break over the summer. I hope she has a better year 2. If she does then you might want to reconsider about moving her to somewhere else where she won't know anyone. If she doesn't then still consider the move.

deepsea · 26/08/2018 11:21

You have given your dd a proper break and lovely summer, feel happy that this is the very best you can do.

I would invite one or two of the nicer girls over for something fun to break the ice going back to school

MeyMary · 26/08/2018 11:24

She’s got a place in a brownies where no school people go in Sept-

That's great imo :)

Giving her opportunities to socialise without any classmates present is imo extremely important.

Could you add an other one? Sports, music, art classes (My goddaughter goes to pottery "classes" and enjoys them immensely).

Year 2 might be better. But I'd also consider moving her if it didn't...

MeyMary · 26/08/2018 11:25

*if it isn't

Original poster
Musicforthemasses18 · 26/08/2018 11:52

@topseyt to be honest, I was so exhausted and drained by everything that had happened in year one, I also didn’t want any kids in my house over the summer. It was a year of constant upset and I think I also needed a break from anything to do with the bloody school!

OP posts:
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