Please evaluate my relationship-I'm unable

[tomeyourelikeasettingsun]

I have BPD, not going to lie-I fall in love almost immediately-yes it is love-not lust-just probably not healthy love.

This time is a little different. I’ve known the boyfriend-will call DP for ease of reference even though seems too early for that-for 6-7 years. He’s been a friend/acquaintance all of that time, never more.

He has however seen me at my very lowest (mid psychotic episode/mid abuse from ex when drunk and trying to escape etc.)

I asked him out in January on a whim after 2 years single - I saw something that reminded me of him, asked a mutual friend if he was single and went for it.

It’s wonderful. I still lose it in my BPD ways (I’ve only been discharged since mid last year). I didn’t fall straight in love-it took 3 months which is ages for me with my emotional instability.

He is my polar opposite. He has very few feelings. I’m his first girlfriend. He has said he loves me when drunk but usually just says I’m his favourite thing.

He’s good with my DD(8) - he’d met her before we were a couple though as we hung around with others with kids together. He’s so amazing at handling my mood swings. I can tell him when I need him to put more effort into showing some affection (it doesn’t come naturally to him) and he does it.

Am I being unreasonable wanting too much from him? To want him to fall in love when I know not everyone is capable of that emotion?

No doubt you'll get a variety of replies on here, however I think how he treats you, how he is with you when you do things together and how he treats your DD speaks volumes. Not every man is romanic with big gestures and saying I love you - some are quieter but sensitive and loving in their own way.

So I don't think you're unreasonable, he may fall in love... but he'll find it hard to show it overtly.

If you think he isn't in love with you I'm not sure why it would change. If he isn't, then why is he with you? Have you asked him? I wouldn't think someone would grow to love me if the spark wasn't there at the start. You asked him out on a whim? So is there chemistry? Or is it friends with benefits maybe?

Im really not your best bet for advice...i also have bpd. The rationality in me is telling you to go slow. You and I both know how easily you can get whipped into that love you need, but the cracks set us off and then the cracks get bigger.

Whatever you do just take things slow and think feelings/actions through. Much love.

Check out the language of love which will show you that love is expressed in more ways than words.

Never expect more of someone than they can give. You may have a waterfall of love to show, he may have a trickle. They are not necessarily incompatible.

Good luck.

I think he does show it. For Valentine's Day he sent me flowers (I neither want or need them), we'd been chatting about the meaning of valentine's and I mentioned I'd had nothing more than a card off DD ever despite long relationships in the past.
He was working away at the time and sent flowers with a card that just said "my first valentine", AND some seamless comfy socks. I didn't give a crap about the flowers-I was his first valentine and I got the thing I love most in seamless socks!
I've had a babysitter on other nights while he's been working away and he's given me his key and told me to go round, have a shower(I only have a bath), use his wifi(I have none), and make myself at home.

He might not be the best texter/best on the phone but I honestly do think he cares.

I'm just worried with my mental illness and idolising people I'm doing just that.

Forgetting about your BPD for a minute, you are his first partner, he is learning along the way. I suffer with awful mood swings and DP is my rock, it is a new relationship you are both rubbing along, try go slow though I think he sounds like a catch, he listens and cares about your feelings.

He sounds lovely. Enjoy the here and now, Good luck both of you

@CSIblonde there is definitely spark, there always was. I was with a mutual friend for 4/5 years though.

I just don't know if he's the kind of person that does love. I know some people never do .

@FloweringOrchid thank you for this.

It's what I'm scared of-me making an issue of this I can't get over.

@MatildaTheCat that is an amazing way of expressing things. I'm going to save that for when I'm struggling

@Tomatoesrock you are right-a first relationship at 35 must be a hard learning curve.

I need to give him credit and time.

Well he sounds like a kind man, which is a good thing. If things don't work out in the long term, he at least sounds like someone who won't be horrible to you.

He sounds like he is willing to learn too.

Go with the flow, I like I was friends with DP for a few years before we got together, not good friend but had close mutual friends it got any nasty personality surprises out of the way. Let yourself think good of him dont worry so much about the I love you, it is how he acts and reacts that matters.

Love is not what you say, it’s what you do, and he seems to be doing very well so far. I say go gently and enjoy the journey.

He sounds like an absolute dream. Its sounds like he does love you he shows it to you by being kind and supportive.

He sounds kind and caring and has bought you sweet presents which show thoughtfulness.

He has said he loves you, albeit when he's drunk but it shows he is capable of thinking of you that way, and he may just be worried about getting hurt.

Give it time. You deserve happiness and it sounds as if he can bring you this.