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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel pissed off about his ‘single’ behaviour

29 replies

Wetwashing00 · 25/08/2018 23:00

We have been together 9 years, living together for 6.
He lived alone for 4 years before he moved in.
Here are a list of things that piss me off:
He makes himself a coffee without asking if I’d like one, then acts pissed off that I ask
If he made me one and will leave his to make mine even though I’ve said it’s fine I will make my own.
On a Sunday he won’t think twice about making himself a full English, not asking me or the kids if we would like one. And he has usually used most of the ingredients so we can’t have the same.
He will use the last of the milk without thinking the kids will need milk for their morning cereal. Resulting in him stomping out to the shop for more.
He will clean the bathroom then take a shower but won’t hang up towels/ dry the mat.
He will put in a wash for something he wants clean, but won’t make it a full wash by putting any of our clothes in even if the hamper is over spilling.
He will replace loo rolls just before he uses the loo but won’t any other time.
He will go to the shops because he wants to eat something in particular but won’t buy top ups for stuff everyone needs. Or will by himself a chocolate bar with the shopping but won’t pick up a Treat for anyone else. Kids usually fight/moan so I have to go back out to get something for them.

This doesn’t happen all the time, he will do the reverse when I’ve just pointed out that he hasn’t thought about anyone else. But a few weeks/months later he’s back to the single behaviour again until I point it out.
His excuse is ‘I forgot’ or ‘you didn’t say you wanted anything’ ‘I didn’t know’
Most of the time I haven’t noticed until he’s done it. And he’s always annoyed when I mention it.
I’ve made half jokes about him missing his single life & serious talks about if he’s finding family life stressful. But he tells me not to be silly.

What can I do?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 25/08/2018 23:08

Leave and find someone that respects you and your children?

ttlovelyt · 25/08/2018 23:09

How about make a fresh start. Make a written list of everything that's important to you and the family home along with the relationship. Plan some mutual space and time away from the home and have a good airing of it all explaining how it makes you and the family feeleyc and ask him his view so it's not entirely one sided. Remember he is also a role model in the home and how does that look. Hope it helps

Isleepinahedgefund · 25/08/2018 23:09

I used to live with one of those. Much better now he isn’t here.

Honestly, it’s pointless trying to change someone’s behaviour. He’s not acting single, he’s being selfish, self centred and thoughtless. That says to me that he’s selfish, self centred and thoughtless. It’s nothing to do with thinking single or finding family life stressful.

I guess you have to decide exactly how much this annoys you and whether you can live with it for the next 40 yrs.

Please don’t now try and tell us what a great father he is and how considerate he is in other ways.....

stillnotTheDoctor · 25/08/2018 23:10

Yeah that's selfish. I don't have an oh but my mum comes round a lot and if one of us makes up a cup of tea we make the other one one. That's not couple behaviour it's just good manners.

HollowTalk · 25/08/2018 23:11

What a pain in the arse he is. He's completely and utterly selfish. I couldn't put up with that.

MissusGeneHunt · 25/08/2018 23:14

Ah. Manchild. Worth trying what a PP has suggested in terms of a list. I'd find it hard but if you want to stay together, it's worth it. If not... Well, he needs to grow up and jog on. Sorry OP, I'm in a similar position, and it's a hard choice to make, my sympathies to you....

BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 23:20

@MissusGeneHunt calling that "manchild" behaviour is an insult to most children and I know 3 year olds of both sexes who act better than that. He has basically never learnt to share and consider other people. While it could be a reflection on how his parents brought him up, it's more likely due to an unpleasant personality.

Singlenotsingle · 25/08/2018 23:28

Have some laminated signs made and put them in prominent places to remind him. "Do not use all the milk. DC need it for their breakfast"
"There are 4 people in the family. If you want breakfast, we all want breakfast"
Etc.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/08/2018 23:37

Hes epitome of selfish,cooks for self doesn’t consider his Kids or partner
Shocking

FrangipaniBlue · 25/08/2018 23:54

The first time DH made himself a fry up without asking me and DS there'd be a rugby scrum over which of us could get to him first to a) beat him and b) steal his sausages!!

Maelstrop · 26/08/2018 00:03

He’s totally selfish, isn’t he? I can’t imagine making coffee but not asking my DH if he wants one. I certainly wouldn’t make a breakfast without asking one for him. He needs to be more considerate.

steff13 · 26/08/2018 00:07

He's inconsiderate. Is he the father of the kids?

Duck90 · 26/08/2018 00:31

You’ve been living together for 6 years, so you know what he is like. He won’t change, so you need too. If you are just having a moam then yes he is a bad “partner”. If you think something needs to change, then it is time to leave. He has shown he won’t contribute.

Ask yourself... if you were seriously ill, would he step up and look after you?

butterfly56 · 26/08/2018 00:45

He's neither a good partner or father.
Basic human kindness is definitely lacking in this guy.
You and the children would be far better off without this man child

He will not/cannot change. He probably been conditioned from an early age to a self centred, selfish arsehole!
Hopefully when you kick him to the kerb his mum will have him back!

Uncreative · 26/08/2018 01:24

With all that going on, I wouldn’t be able to find him attractive and Zi would leave. I advise you to do the same.

Are the children yours, his or joint?

Based on what you have written, he views them as your responsibility only. Who the hell doesn’t cook breakfast for the whole family?

BackToTheFuschia7 · 26/08/2018 01:35

He sounds really selfish and mean. Not sure what you can do when he always reverts back to type except lay it on the line how much of a dealbreaker this is.

BlueBug45 · 26/08/2018 01:36

@steff13 doesn't matter if he is. I was brought up and so were lots of other people I've met to ensure kids always get fed and watered.

In fact I went to a wedding where there was a kids table in another room with about 4 adults to keep supervision. All the kids 7+ took a younger kid under their wing solely or as groups of 2/3, and ensured they were eating and drinking. It was lovely to watch as some of the 7 year olds were ensuring 4 and 5 year olds were eating and drinking. While the teenagers of 13-16 were dealing with the 2 and 3 year olds. It didn't matter if the older kids helping were all boys, all girls or a mixture they just all mucked in.

theWarOnPeace · 26/08/2018 02:25

Sounds like a selfish pig, not a person who is acting like they’re single. Single people are still able to consider other people, unless they’re also what he is - which is a selfish pig.

MissusGeneHunt · 26/08/2018 07:47

@BlueBug45 no intention to offend. Merely a slang name used for childish behaviour. Apologies if I've offended you, or others, not meant.

NadiaLeon · 26/08/2018 08:15

Do not be a doormat and leave him. Awful example for your children...

Labradoodliedoodoo · 26/08/2018 08:24

Each time he does it simply forget to make him a meal or drink or treat. So serve a meal to everyone but him.

SocialPiranha · 26/08/2018 08:24

It’s not single behaviour imo it’s selfish behaviour. As in, he is a selfish arsehole.

In my experience you can’t change these types.

StarsHollow123 · 26/08/2018 09:08

It's not single behaviour or that infuriating phrase 'man-child'. It's pure selfishness. It's no harder for him to think about you and the DC than it is for you to do it. It is totally unacceptable behaviour in a partnership and he needs to be told that. The idea that he's stressed by family life and can therefore be excused behaving like a selfish prick does you and your D.C. a disservice.

Pull him up on it each and every time it happens. If DC are upset by something he does refer them to your OH. It should provide a useful reminder that his choice to be a selfish git isn't without consequence.

Wetwashing00 · 26/08/2018 11:48

I don’t really want to start defending him after what I just posted, but I don’t think it’s a LTB issue. Not for me anyway.

He doesn’t do this all the time, he cooks meals for everyone almost 4 days a week & does more housework than most blokes I know of. Reads stories at bedtime, takes the kids out to give me some chill time alone.
but I guess I expected that response when I only point out the negatives.

The reason why I say ‘single’ behaviour is because he doesn’t express any other selfish behaviours.
From what he’s told me everyone kind of tended to themselves only from the age of 14, never ate a meal together, had to be the first to have the last bag of crisps or go without.
He lived in the equivalent of a shared house with his family being his roommates.

So I thought that since it was how he was brought up he was just reverting back to those times and just forgetting.

For people asking 1 child is mine from a previous and we have 1 child together.
I’m going to start saying ‘yes please’ whenever he boils the kettle 😬

OP posts:
LongSummerDays · 26/08/2018 11:56

Love the OP back-pedalling when the general consensus is that he's selfish!

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