DS always plays up for DH

[Raspberryberetthekindyoufind]

Five year old DS is great when he is with me, at school, grandparents, friends houses but when he is with DH he does not listen and throws tramtrums.
DH is at his wits end thinking DS hates him and gets upset. He has been totally hands on from the beginning so just can’t think were this is coming from. It has got worse during this holidays. DH is off work this week and I know the pair of them together all the time with drive me mad

Then really you need to question his parenting style which promotes this behaviour (sorry). I don't mean this in a mean way but it's simple psychology; cause and effect. How does he deal with things differently to how other do to achieve a different outcome. Is he light hearted and uses distraction and fun or does he have little patience and get cross. DS will feed off his emotions.

I remember 5 being a tricky age but distraction and making things fun and turning requests into games made all the difference. With practice I became quite good at it. DH could try it and see if it helps.

Is your DS running rings round your DH? Is your DH too soft? Children learn very quickly who they can mess around.
Alternatively, is your DH stricter than you and the rest of the extended family? Is your DS used to more easy going people/getting his own way? Is he rebelling against your DH because of this?

Hmm my DS can be like this for DH (he is 4). For instance, DH went in the supermarket with him the other day and DS wanted something. DH said no and DS there a tantrum - he wouldn't do that for me!

He will also mess about putting shoes/coat on or getting ready for bed.

It's not as bad now as it used to be. DH used to make everything into a game (with all the best intentions) but then DS just thought he could play around whereas if I needed to do something e.g. get his shoes on to go out, I was quite matter of fact about it. Could this be the case for your DH too?

Both DCs here can be differently behaved for DH. They're 12 and 7 now, so it's less of an issue but when they were very young it was a struggle; I remember a few times he'd do bedtime for both and I'd hear him getting more stressed before eventually doing the "that's it, I'm fetching Mummy" thing that drove me mad . We eventually sussed that it was because DH works away so often through the week that the DC almost 'rebelled' when he was here, trying to push his buttons because it was just so different for them.

DH and I had to work together for a time to work out where he could put boundaries in place, we'd back one another up and he'd follow my example in terms of expectations; it also became obvious after a while that because he worked away that when he was home he'd be less strict than I was because he didn't want to make them sad or be the bad guy in the limited time he had with them. Learning to be definite about boundaries wasn't something that came easily to DH; his Mum was always very wishy-washy with her own DC so DH had to almost re-learn his own boundaries in order to put them in place for his own DC.

It can get easier, but your DH is going to have to work hard -and with you- to fix it.

According to Freud this is not unusual behaviour for a boy at 5 going through his Oedipal phase.
On a more practical level I agree with pp that you and DH need to look at parenting styles

You do know Freud have been largely debunked and discredited, right? The whole Oedipus thing is BS.

DH is stricter then me and more likely to shout whereas i try and distract and deflect. DS knows if I raise my voice he has been really naughty and stops.
DH speaks and it’s like he doest year hjm

The problem with the distract and deflect method is that DC don't ever get to 'own' their behaviour. They don't actually get told off for messing around.
It's a fine balance.
Sounds like your DS doesn't like your DH's direct approach so chooses to ignore/kick against it. Does your DH pick his battles or nag?