to keep my dd away from MIL?

[tiredoffeuding]

(Sorry it's long and convoluted)

ok, i expect the answer will be a unanimous 'yes' but i do need to get this off my chest.

i have posted about some of this before, under a different name, but i'm a bit embarrassed about what an idiot i seem, so i've changed my name.

basically when we told her we were expecting she reacted badly and told him to leave me and the baby. at this stage i was about 12 weeks pregnant.

to complicate things, we were living in a home we rented from her at the time and it basically meant she turned up unexpected every week or so, to stay in the room we were trying to get ready for the baby, regardless of whetehr it was convenient or not. whilst staying in our home she basically went behind my back saying to dp that i was a freeloader and just out for what i could get, because my job was less prestigious than his, and because i made it clear i wanted to be a sahm after dd's birth.

i tried saying to dp that i was really hurt by her behaviour, but he was then, and still is very reluctant to challenge her on anything or stand up to her. the way he sees it, if i have a problem with her, i need to be the one to raise the issue with her. whereas i would be the first one to play mediator if he fell out with my parents.

even when our dd was a few weeks old and she would regularly invite herself to stay for 4 days without checking it was ok, snatching the baby out of my hands whenever she felt like it and making comments like 'so, is your mother feeding you?' as my dd was quite petite in the first few months.

the stress from all this and her refusal to apologise to me for what she'd said resulted in me having sever pnd which i'm only just coming out of now my daughter is 15 mths old. it made me feel so shit about myself i had terrible suicidal thoughts. i might have got pnd even if she hadn't behaved this way towards me, but i do feel it was a partial trigger, and i'm now more scared of her than ever.

because of all this, one day when my dd was about 4 months,when we'd told her it wasn't a good time and she'd set herself up in the baby's room without my permission. again i just lost it. i locked myself in our room with the baby and yelled through the door that dp had to ask her to leave. after two hours of my dp treating her with the softest of kid gloves, she and her boyfriend finally found somewhere else to stay (they have hundreds of friends in our neighbourhood). the next day she came back throwing her wait around looking for dp and i closed the door in her face and that's the last time i saw her.

i made it clear that i didn't want her around my dd until she'd apologised. months passed.

when my dd was 10 months old, i finally got a letter of apology from her. it wasn't overly friendly but the gist of it was she was basically sorry and wanted to sort things out. i meant to write back to her but i'm just hopelessly busy and the longer i left it, the harder it got. it also gave me time to start doubting her sincerity, and wondering if i gave an inch whether she'd just start backstabbing and undermining me again. dp just doesn't stand up for me or support me when i need him to. she always takes precedence.

anyway it's about time i tried write back to her and try to work something out whereby she does get to see her, but i want to retain some control over the situation and she's such a powerful character i just don't know how.

Why not set things up for you to meet some where completely different. Or possibly your dp could take your dd to see her. I completely understand why you don't want the woman in your home.
Just be plain, simple and honest when you reply. And perhaps keep a copy of the letter.

i think i'd want to be there, just so she doesn't think she can push me out, iyswim. she's on such a permanent power trip.

You've now got the perfect opportunity to write back and make it explicitly clear how you expect her to behave ie:
no turning up unnannounced and expecting to stay (if you rent from her, make sure you have a rent book, btw)
behaving like an adult and not trying to stir things up with your DP.

I also think your DP should make a stand and explain that he completely supports you in this.

Whilst he is treating her with kid gloves he will get nowhere - he needs to show in no uncertain terms that you and your DD are his top priority.

I think it would be a shame to deprive your DD of her grandmother, but you do need to ensure that this woman respects you.

I agree this is the perfect opportunity to lay somes rules down.

Given that she has apologised, albeit you suspect she could return to her former self, you have to make the next move.

A meet with all of you there, on neutral ground, would be best for starters. Agree there and then how things will be.

Dont give anyone any reason to think that you are going to be anything but reasonable.

Be firm, desisive, and if any of that old behaviour rears its head, refer back to your agreement.

Oh, and in answer to your thread title, yes .

Well, she did write and apologise so it would be unreasonable of you to now move the goalposts and start doubting her sincerity and whether to 'give an inch'; she's done what you asked so you need to keep your end of the bargain which I guess is your DD having contact with her grandmother.

Absolutely nothing can be gained by making your DP the piggy in the middle here. I think he is right; if adults have a problem with eachother, they need to communicate to sort it out. if your dp is not the person with the issue then there's no reason for him to get involved, other than to let his mum know that it upsets him when you are upset because he loves you. I wuold be peed off with my dh if he wouldn't even do that btw. But I wouldn't expect more.

I understand from your post that you're no longer living in the home you rented from her? I certainly wouldn't get that close to her in future; be as independent as possible so that any contact is purely normal family stuff (or as normal as poss!)

I think when you write back to her that's the time to lay down your ground rules. In answer to your original question, yes I think it's unreasonable to deny your daughter a relationship with her grandmother for purely adult issues, nothing to do with your dd - though I do understand why your MIL made you this angry.

What are the ground rules you want to put in place

I do think you should write and ask to meet her for a coffee (somewhere neutral .. take baby) so you can possibly re-start your communication

It should be on your terms all the way

she has behaved appalingly, and if she wants to see your child then she follows your rules!!

Agree with Twiglett. And do it soon - how long is it since she wrote to you? However terrible she was (and she was) writing an apology like that was a big gesture and I bet she's very hurt that you haven't responded.

I have issues with my MIL and her ineterfering ways, she lives very close to us and at one point treated this house like and extension of her own. DP is very much you talk to her about anything but if he wants my parents for anything I still have to do it, bit of a man thing I think.
The thing is that he should be backing you up and I think MIL's think they can get away with it sometimes because it seems like their precious sons are married to battle axes because most are a bit spineless and avoid it for a quiet life.

I would write back to her and give her another chance setting down the ground rules and suggest you and her meet and take the baby along. I can toally understand that you would want to be there rather than your dp take your dd alone because she will have every opeertunity to go behind your back and it doesn't sound like your dp will say anything to stop her.

With my MIL I have given her several chances snd each time she has lied to me and/or been caught bitching about me to anyone that will listen always making herself out to be the porr hard done by and me the witch so now I just keep her at and arms length, I take no crap now and let not even the littlest thing slide because she has made HUGE mistakes on some of the big stuff.
I have told her my reasons for this and TBH it is her that is missing out she has lied to nearly 4 year old DD and let her down so many times that even she doesn't trust her now. She doesn't like the fact that I have control over my own life and ultimate say OVER HER as to how my children are raised but it is her tough really.

It is always hard when it is your partners mother but you do have to put your own families needs first but i think you should give her another chance, sincere or not she has put out that olive branch so is obviously missing her grandaughter.

my m i l has never liked me and i dont like her either if honest but i never stopped her seeing the kids .she refused to come to our wedding in register office and when my son was a baby in i c u said she had plans and could not visit, i fell out then but do c her regurlary. we pull up outside their house and often he says do we really want to do this ,and i know it gets to her after twenty seven years we are still together, i won

Have read OP but not whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating some one.

Really, really sorry you've had such a shit time with this MIL from Hell. No one deserves to be treated as you have been.

I would reply to the letter and accept her apology as far as it goes, but make it clear what the ground rules are in your house. Keep those rules short, simple and few in number in your letter, and if she breaks them, quote them to her.

You should get far more support from your dp, and I know some men are unable/unwilling to stand up to a domineering parent so maybe it's hard for him. But if you were married, it would send out a signal of where his priorities lie and give you more status. Do either you or dp have some conscientious objection to the institution of marriage, or are you unable to marry for any reason?

There is a new book out on White Ladder Press about how to be a good grandparent. Sounds like your Mil would benefit from it.

I think you really need to write back and state that while you thank her for saying sorry and admitting wrong doing on her part that you are still very hurt by her actions and you think some ground rules need to be set and kept to.

Also you need to tell your DP to grow a back bone

My MIL is just hateful, but yours sounds much worse!

Sorry i havent read all the posts so i am not sure what has been said...... but i would just do what makes u feel happy, if this woman makes u miserable just dont see her and let your other half take the buba to see your MIL while u relax at home. I think this is what i am going to have to do.

Good luck with whatever u decide xxxx

don't feel bad you've not replied yet - take your time until you feel able.

Set the ground rules that she must agree to.

What about your dp signing the letter as well? has he had contact with her?

if you do meet her can you take someone with you that she doesn't know? Or arrange to meet a group of friends and thier children then when MIL turns up move away from the group to talk to her so at least there will be some people there who will know you. She might be less inclined to be so pushy if she realises she would look bad in front of your friends who would doubtless support you and talk about her afterwards.