To feel bad for being so horrible to my mum

[summerofshotstocome]

I never found my mum easy, but then as a teenager somehow things really deteriorated and I couldn’t do a thing right.

At first I thought she was right but then I did some really horrible things to get ‘revenge’ like hiding her glssses and deleting her work from the computer.

I feel so bad still.

Meh I bet she has forgotten it! I did wasaaaay worse stuff than that !

It could have been worse. All in the past now.

YANBU to feel bad you did that though. It shows you are a decent person after all

Never too late to apologize!

Well, it is; she’s dead.

I still feel awful for some of the things I said to my mum. My mum is also dead - died at 64. About once a month I remember telling my mum how her way of waving thank you when driving was crap. I was rude and told her she should hold her hand up higher so people could see. Why the fuck did I do that?! There was nothing wrong with the way she thanked when driving. I think it will be one of those things I think about until I did (I'm mid 30's). I know it was only a very minor thing. I'm just trying to show there would have been something to feel bad about. Don't beat yourself up. Your mum loved you. I have a little thing I like to mentally say to myself: "Mum wanted you to be happy, so try and be happy". It helps me. Sorry to hear about your Mum.

She didn’t love me much to be honest but this is why it’s so problematic. I played a part too.

I was a nightmare as a teenager. All of us were. My two DBs would do stuff like what you said all the time (my way was more staying out all night, putting myself in dangerous situations, unsuitable boys, getting wasted etc) only now looking back I realize what a Saint she was.
We are all now upstanding citizens and best mates with our parents. Your DM will have known it was just a teenage phase and that you loved her.
Really sorry for your loss, I would suggest grief counselling to talk through some of these unresolved issues.

Write her a letter. Take it to her grave and do something ceremonial - bury it in a plant pot, burn it with a scented candle, put it in a helium balloon.
I'm not a witch, honest!!

I didn’t love her

I know that’s awful.

If you didn’t love her she must of given you good reason. I look back to how my mum was ( esp now had kids)and find a lot of her behaviour horrendous. My mum is also dead now. Put it all behind you or you’ll be letting her affect your future too 💐

summer - counselling seems a good suggestion, or just taking some time to think it through yourself. You need to find a way to make peace with how your relationship with your mum was. Relationship problems between parents and children are pretty much always down to the parent rather than the child - usually due to how they were themselves parented. Thinking through what you know about your mother's childhood might give you some clues (if that information is available to you).

seven - do you have children? When I had DD, I gained new perspective on my relationship with my own mum, and found it much easier to forgive both of us for our failings! I can absolutely assure you that if your mum was still alive, she'd smile at you and say 'Are you really still worrying about that, you silly sausage? I'd do anything for you, and would put up with your teenaged grumpiness a hundred times over. If only you could see yourself the way I see you.'

Summer, that sounds really tough. Although I've never been to counselling myself your situation does seem like it might benefit from being able to talk things through with a professional. It sounds like you're holding on to a lot of guilt and anger - and understandably so. I can't imagine what it must feel like.

Nordic, thank you. I may have something in my eye now