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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt by my friend

46 replies

PaintedRock · 24/08/2018 21:32

I have 3 children, my eldest is 6. I have a friend that I have known for years and years that has a son the same age. We meet up regularly, and my son and her son are in the same class so also share school friends.

I messaged her yesterday to say that my other 2 dc were with their dad for the day and that I was thinking of taking ds to a local event that she had previously shown interest in.

Received a response saying "that would have been great but I'm going to legoland tomorrow".

Ok, didn't think anymore of it.

Then today I see lots of photos on another school mums (public) Facebook page with photos of her and her dc and my friend and her ds all at Legoland. Trip was planned - from comments it was pre-arranged not an accidental meet up.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that the invite wasn't extended to me too? My ds would have loved it - and my friend knew that I only had my ds that day rather than his 2 siblings too which would have made the trip impractical and v expensive.

Or, am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 24/08/2018 22:18

It kinda half sounds like your friend is actually better friends with the other mum than with you (she extended your invite to her other friend on your day out, but didn’t reciprocate). Sorry, hurtful I know.

YANBU to be sad and a bit hurt

kierenthecommunity · 24/08/2018 22:22

My ds would have loved it - and my friend knew that I only had my ds that day rather than his 2 siblings too which would have made the trip impractical and v expensive

This well could be why they didn’t invite you in the first place. And then she didn’t as she thought it would look like an afterthought invitation. Don’t overthink it

Original poster

PaintedRock · 24/08/2018 22:23

whosthebestbaba I think you're right. And, I guess that's why I'm feeling hurt.

To the earlier PP who asked if I'd have extended the invite. In this case, with the same people involved, yes I would have done.

OP posts:

viques · 24/08/2018 22:23

If they went by car they probably didn't have space for two more people which would be a valid reason not to invite you along.

Original poster

PaintedRock · 24/08/2018 22:25

kieren but she could have said "I'm actually going to legoland tomorrow, why don't you come too?"

vigues already cleared the lift point above

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMoose · 24/08/2018 22:27

I’m sorry it’s upset you.

Maybe it didn’t even occur to her to invite you because you said you were taking DS to ‘XX event’

Plus, I think some places are better/ok with more people (soft play or picnic in the park) but a place like Legoland I hate going with anyone else (other than the kids 🤣) and more than one other adult and their children I’d rather not go, it’s just too much hassle with all the kids wanting different things, so for that reason alone I wouldn’t have suggested you join us anyway.

You also don’t know if either of the women had something they wanted to talk about 1:1. One of my friends is going through a really shitty time with her DH and we‘d have used the time the kids were on the rides, & playing, to talk.

Try not to be hurt by it, you really don’t know why she didn’t invite you, but odds on it wasn’t malicious.

pictish · 24/08/2018 22:27

Yes I agree she is more enamoured with the other mum than you at the moment...but new friendships can be like that.
Respond in kind and expand your friendship circle yourself so you’re not so focused or reliant on this one friend.

HesterMacaulay · 24/08/2018 22:28

PaintedRock it sounds like you are quite insecure. There honestly are many reasons why your friend didn't extend the invitation. Only one is that she likes the other friend more than you. And even if that's the case, it doesn't diminish your friendship. The 2 things are separate.

SirGawain · 24/08/2018 22:47

What she chooses to do in her own time and with whom she chooses is nothing to do with you. Possibly the initiative came from her other friend and it was not her place to invite you. YABVU.

Holidaybore · 24/08/2018 23:11

I find that when it comes to fun parks like Legoland/ Alton Towers we prefer to go in even numbers. So that is a bit tricky.
I.e. if I was going to the park I wouldn’t mind other friends with kids joining. However when you spend so much on a Legoland ticket you want your child to really have a good time and not fighting on who’s going on the tide with whom as most of the rides accommodate 2 only. I know that there are some where you can go in group but like Diana used to say 3 is a crowd.
Also to consider if your DS gets on with the other child? I would sometimes avoid to bring kids together that don’t get on or don’t know each other very well as it’s natural for one to feel left out.
I don’t think your friend did it with malice as there could be so many other reasons.
If it really bothers you I would mention to her that the pictures showed they looked like they had fun ...and that you would like to join next time they go? I think you get cheaper tickets voucher if you go back within a certain time

Ohyesiam · 24/08/2018 23:13

But you’d said you were busy going to x event.

Original poster

PaintedRock · 24/08/2018 23:16

ohyes I said I was thinking of taking him to x event....

OP posts:

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 24/08/2018 23:28

You're over thinking it and you need to accept that it's ok for friends to go out on their own same as it would be ok for you to go out with just one friend.
You're setting yourself up for many more times of being hurt or offended if you expect to be invited to every meet up.

In my dd's class I'm closer to 2 particular Mum's and we socialise together with and without the girls, sometimes we all go out together and other times it may be just those two or me and one of the Mum's, there's never any bad feeling, we're all adults and realise it's fine to not have to arrange for all 3 of us to meet each time.

Original poster

PaintedRock · 25/08/2018 00:01

Thanks all. I know you're all right

I'll try and forget it

OP posts:

snowsun · 25/08/2018 00:24

What would happen if we should extend an invite to all good friends - it would be a mass outing.

Friends arrange things between them. That's fine.

You get invited to go for coffee - do you invite all your friends and do they then invite all their friends and then so on. No , is the answer that's daft.

It was prearranged , that's fine. There will be times you're invited somewhere and all your other friends aren't.

Please stop over thinking as you'll loose friends as it begins to seep out.

CrystalMazing · 25/08/2018 05:34

Personally during the summer holidays in particular I like to spread out days out by doing things with different friends on different days. Means I get to chat with the mum and the kids get to play with different friends. I'm not a fan of going out in big groups.
I get that your feelings might be hurt but I wouldn't take it personally

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/08/2018 06:11

I think whosthebest may be right, as that's what I thought too.
She invited the other friend along to an event you'd arranged but failed to return the favour to you - to me, that would say that she prefers spending time with the other friend.

However, if you're otherwise good friend and you still see her regularly on her own, then I'd try to not let it bother me and just accept her friendship at face value. But maybe don't allow the other woman to muscle in on your "dates" again.

foulmouthflora1 · 25/08/2018 06:54

YABU

Anxious2niteaaah · 25/08/2018 10:58

Op instead of focusing using on legoland (the visit your friend and her friend went to)...

why not organise a fun cheap thing of your own (even a picnic in the park, or something and graciously invite your friend and her friend along....

then if by any chance you were excluded from the legoland trip deliberately, they will see their actions didn't get a reaction from you so it was a waste of time on their part..

And if you weren't excluded deliberately you haven't jumped in feet first and ruined a friendship...

Try it, you might have fun and if hey say no they don't want to go at least you have tried....but don't mention legoland to them unless they bring it up (and if they do, don't be all why didn't you invite me,...instead say things like, wow, that sounds like alot of fun, I'll have to take my kids there sometime I bet they would enjoy it

CookPassBabtridge · 25/08/2018 11:06

Sometimes it's nice to do things in pairs, have a different dynamic.. maybe they needed to catch up about something. It was only two of them, if you were the only one excluded from a group I could understand.

velourvoyageur · 25/08/2018 11:25

If a friend was upset with me because I'd gone out with someone else without her I'd be seriously pulling back from the friendship until I felt reassured this was just an out-of-character blip or something.
It wouldn't ever occur to me to feel hurt in this situation.
I think you are missing perspective in this - this isn't to be nasty but do you have many other people to do similar things with? Worth re-examining the nature of your feelings here - you may be disappointed that you missed out on what appears as a limited opportunity, rather than actually indignant because she did something objectively hurtful. If you had more opportunities to do things with a wider range of people, it would be less of a big deal and help you realise it's totally normal behaviour on her part.

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