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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think i should call SS?

47 replies

coltitude · 23/08/2018 21:52

DD's really sweet friend (14) is over for a sleepover. She told DD infront of me (quietly) about her parents and how they make her feel worthless. She said they don't hurt her physically but tell her she's a burden, that she's the sole reason of everyone in the family's problems, that she deserves all the bad things that happen to her and loads of other horrible things. She said they're nice to her siblings (2 boys one older one younger) she said she told a dr once and her parents found out and said that if she ever tells anyone, she'll go to hell and all her siblings will be moved to different homes. This girl is so sweet! I feel so bad for her I'm honestly about to pick up the phone to call NSPCC for emotional abuse but MIL (whos currently staying with us and overheard) says im overreacting completely. am i?

OP posts:

neveradullmoment99 · 23/08/2018 23:12

mmm...not sure. She could be lying to seek attention. If that's the case, you could be responsible for interfering and causing huge family issues. What if she is? I would have dug a little deeper tbh. Maybe she is a trouble maker. It is possible. You could be responsible for breaking up a family.
On the other hand, she may be telling the truth. Its a difficult call. Tread carefully.

recklessruby · 23/08/2018 23:13

My dd had a friend in a similar situation when they were 15/16. It was emotional abuse too. I let her stay at ours many times and one night she just moved in after she turned 16. She ended up at my front door with her stuff in a rubbish bag and stayed for over a year until she got herself sorted.
This was nearly ten years ago and she still keeps in touch. I m glad I was there.
I m glad your dd s friend has you.

MaisyPops · 24/08/2018 00:16

School will WANT to help because it will impact on things like Ofstead.
Bollocks. Ofsted do not come in an monitor how often schools get involved with situations shared with other adults outside of school. Their safeguarding procedures cover what to do if staff have concerns or a disclosure.

Don't get me wrong the concerns or disclosure could come from a range of people from observations of the child, the child disclosing or another adult raising concerns. All will be taken seriously because schools have a duty of care to keep children safe.

School staff (like many other professionals) want to keep children safe because they are professionals working with children and because no decent human being wants a child to suffer.
If you're seriously suggesting schools only bother to safeguard because of Ofsted then you're grossly missing the point.

MrsPartridgeStMarys · 24/08/2018 00:33

I’m so pleased you called someone. My dad and stepmum used to say things like this to me. They would also body shame me, completely control me, I was treated very differently to my siblings, never had enough to eat, everything was about looking respectable to other people. There were so many issues I can’t even go into them all.

I was talking about it to a friend recently and she asked me why I never told her. It was drummed into me that family issues stay in family. That said, I realised that quite a few adults knew small bits of what went on. Not the whole picture, but enough to be concerned. Yet NO ONE DID ANYTHING.

This went on for years and massively escalated. I’ve had to have counselling for psychological child abuse and it caused severe PND.

I was that little girl. You would have been my saviour.

Racecardriver · 24/08/2018 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Racecardriver · 24/08/2018 00:39

Dies she even know what you have done? Absolutely don't do it unless she has had a chance to think about it and agree.

neveradullmoment99 · 24/08/2018 12:03

Oh ffs. As someone who was emotionally a used by a parent

This is not about you. You don't know for sure that she is.
Do as racedriver suggests. Tread carefully.

neveradullmoment99 · 24/08/2018 12:04

fourteen she should be old enough to start to accept and move on.

She is still a child. What world do you live in?

neveradullmoment99 · 24/08/2018 12:05

14 is a difficult age. It about growing up and leaving childhood behind. Lots of changes. You are looking at this through adult eyes Mrs Partridge Sad to hear what happened to you but it is clouding your judgement.

Oswin · 24/08/2018 12:08

Jesus christ racecar i have never read anything so fucked up. She is a child. Abuse is abuse.

PerpendicularVincent · 24/08/2018 12:12

Racecar she is being abused. What an awful post

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 24/08/2018 12:17

if you contact NSPCC, the report goes straight to SS anyway.
Poor girl.

PositivelyPERF · 24/08/2018 12:17

it was really good for me in some ways

Yes, Racecardriver, your callous attitude towards this young woman, shows just how good the emotional abuse you suffered, was for you. 🙄

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 24/08/2018 12:20

Any update op?

Eatmycheese · 24/08/2018 12:23

Racecardriver your posts sing of the reasons why this girl needs help now.
You need some too I think as the “advice” you posted here is worrisome. You are diminishing and deflecting the massive harm it seems to have done to you which is not good for you at all.

OP you can’t I ore this even if it turns out to be a storm in a teacup or jet jabingnprblems. That’s worth running throws risks if there is the slightest chance she is being emotionally abused this way and has reached out to you for help.

heartsease68 · 24/08/2018 12:28

racecar You sound very damaged. Get some help.

SnowyAlps · 24/08/2018 12:46

OP it’s not your duty/job to decided if what she had said is true or not. That’s for the professionals to decide. Your role in this is to listen and report, which is what you are doing.

MaisyPops · 24/08/2018 14:50

OP it’s not your duty/job to decided if what she had said is true or not. That’s for the professionals to decide.
This.
It is not for the OP to decide if there is abuse and its certainly not possible for anyone on this thread to decide.

The OP should factually report what has been said, not read into things, not get into conversations where she may ask leading questions. Then let the professionals decide.

It might be a window on horrible abuse and there's also other concerns raised via school etc or it may be a teenager being in a bad mood & exaggerating how awful everything is. Either way, it's not anyone's call to make but the professionals'. It's always worth being careful before armchair diagnosing abuse online.

Derpy84 · 27/08/2018 22:04

Not to be rude but how do you know that what the girl said is exactly what's happened? Teenage girls have a range of complicated emotions and, getting into an argument with a parent can be grossly exaggerated and/or embellished when they re-tell the story to others.
You've basically already labelled the parents as being emotionally abusive when you don't know the full story!
I agree with you ringing the NSPCC for advice and you should let the school know as the inclusion manager can investigate and contact the appropriate agencies if needed. But i would be hesitant to just instantly believe everything the girls says without having ALL the facts.

Goth237 · 28/08/2018 13:42

It's strange reading the messages saying that she could just be making it up and being a troublemaker etc. If she was, surely she'd want to tell everyone, not whisper it quietly to the DC? Also, I would err on the side of believing what she is saying always as a first instinct- rather believe and do something, than not believe and have a child suffering. And even if she isn't telling the truth, she needs help. If a child is that desperate for attention that she is making up things like this, then she is obviously not getting the attention she needs/there is something else wrong. So either way, it needs to be reported.

MaisyPops · 28/08/2018 13:55

Goth237
She could be making it up.

I'm aware of situations where students have had a handful of select friends sick with worry over situations and had them sworn to secrecy etc but never made a fuss to anyone else. It came out when a few of the friends were struggling to deal with the situation and it turned out it was made up. Horrible situation for all involved.

Something similar happened to a student in my Year at school. In the end it got out to the year group that it was made up. I felt for her but at the same time understood why there was backlash.

But that's irrelevant as it's not for anyone to decide the truth of the situation other than the professionals. It just needs reporting. I think that's what people need to focus on. It doesn't matter how true someone thinks something is, it should be reported factually and calmly with judgement of disbelief or elaboration if the adult thinks it's true.

It's the difference between 'so and so's parent stank of booze when they collected their child on Thursday & the child has seemed a little less clean and happy of late and 'so and so' s parent has an alcohol problem and isn't looking after their child properly'. The 2nd may well be true but that wouldn't be the correct statement from what has been witnessed.

Malbecfan · 28/08/2018 14:06

I'm another who is glad you have called the NSPCC. In my area we have a MASH - multi-agency safeguarding hub. Anyone can call them for advice or to make a referral. I have called them myself for advice on a situation concerning a child I know quite well but not through my school. The child was known to the local MASH (can't give details as it's outing) because of the actions of one parent. MASH was really helpful and gave some advice that I was able to pass on to other adults in the group.

As other posters have said, it may be that she is already known to them. Often there are lots of small pieces of seemingly innocuous evidence but once they are viewed together, things can appear rather more sinister. I hope you get the advice you need and thank you for being there for her and for taking her seriously.

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