AIBU to feel I'm failing as a parent right now?

[Jods1982]

Hi everyone,

So basically my parents have my daughters once a week, do drop off and pick up from school and have her this particuar day a week during school holidays . DD1 is 5, nearly 6 and DD2 just turned 2.

So today my parents take them both to a local attraction (animals, soft/outdoor play etc). DD1 played up throughout had a couple of tantrums. DM threatened to take her home twice and felt at times DD1 was 'out of control' She also acts up when I pick them up after work on the school day and will often refuse to say goodbye kiss/cuddle etc. On the other hand she acts lovely for in-laws. In laws are still working, and live 30 mins away so see them a bit less frequently though FIL has helped do a few days over holidays, but overall she sees them less my parents who are retired and live a 2 minute drive away.

My DF wasn't feeling very well today. When my parents left, she wouldn't say goodbye and then retorted that she loves her other grandparents more than them. My mum rang me later to say dad very upset and not sure he really wants to keep having her due to herbehaviour. I tried to get DD1 to apologise but she refused to come to phone, I've tried chatting her tonight but it goes in one ear and out the other. I don't know how much at 5/6 she understands how hurtful she can be when she says these awful thing.

I have taken away TV and tablet away in morning and have told her that we are going round grandparents tomorrow to apologise but don't know if this will make things worse. I don't know how to address this behaviour? We do use star charts sometime and withdraw tv/tablet and use timeout.

I really don't know what to do. I just feel like a real failure. Any advice/experience would really be appreciated

I never listen when my DD tells me she hates me and the rest 😂 getting her to apologise is great and letting her know that it's not acceptable. Hopefully she'll it'll calm down. Mabye ask her why she thinks like that? Make a sorry card?

I don't have a huge amount of advice really, apart from for you and your parents to remember that kids say things they don't mean all the time. And they play up sometimes, and they behave differently for different people. My DS is a ratbag at home but an angel at nursery - he saves the worst behaviour for us, where he feels the most comfortable to push the boundaries. It can be a lot to deal with when you're not feeling well, so maybe a break for your parents would be a good idea. I wouldn't push the apology, depending on how well you believe she understands it and how genuine it would be. Good luck op, this is not because you're a crap parent, kids are hard work.

When she is with grandma is the toddler with you?

Sorry actually managed to read but my basic Point is the same. The toddler is now at the age where they will require hands on attention all the time, whereas the older child can handle herself. So actually maybe jealous about the new child

Sorry the toddler is with my parents once a week (whilst DD1 at school), DD2 is into everything. She adores her sister but I think she does get tired of her and will often say 'you love DD2 more than me' and we get 'you all hate me' a lot as well. And of course she can't play proper games with her. I've been with both of them once or twice a week over holidays (DD2 goes to nursery 3 times a week) and DD1 is a lot better on her own.

Sorry card sounds good. Lizzy, she loves making cards.

whitsun- parents away next week so will have a couple of weeks break (she usually misses them when they are away). I'm not sure if how much she understands with aplogies, we've often had a mixture of sincere and not -so insincere apologies in the past.

Discussed with hubby tonight how we move forward, thinking having a reflection time when she says nasty things and doing this each time so she understands and reward chart for good/kind behaviour

My 5yr old would totally dig his heels in if I took him round “to apologise”. It just wouldn’t happen no matter the threats and consequences.
He would however come round in his own time.
Be very very careful of setting yourselves up for a big dramatic failure.

Agree with everything Whitsunfells says. They play up most with the people they're closest to. Absolutely not your fault. I hope things settle down after the time apart. I agree a card rather than a forced in-person apology is probably better.

Do they prefer your in laws because they’re more fun and relaxed.
Making a child apologise is the hardest thing when they won’t.
In my experience children are better behaved for adults that are calm and kind to them. Does that sound like your parents or are they the opposite to that.

Well she made a card this morning and took it round. She seemed a lot more contrite this morning so hoping things will now be a bit better. We are looking at her making poster of house rules to be followed at home as well as at parents so she has clear boundaries in place. Thank you for the advice/support :)