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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel taken for granted

14 replies

Fettuccinecarbonara · 23/08/2018 20:13

I have a friend. I’ve known her for around 7 years. She has 4 children to my 2. They are around the same ages as my DC or older. They all get along well and weboften have playdates.

Recently my friends’ circumstances have changed, making her finances a little tighter than usual. That’s no problem, she’s been upfront and we’ve arranged picnics over the holidays rather than days out. (I am in a slightly better financial position than my friend, but certainly not rich)

We have always shared expenses, and when we have met up without the children, remembered who bought the last coffee etc. normal friendship rules.

Last week we arranged a get together at my house. We would normally shop together for the food, but my car was in the garage and she doesn’t drive, so I got food in, plus a couple bottles of wine as per her request, and my agreement.

The bill was around £60.

Friend said she’d bring cash with her when she came over. But then came over and told me she had forgotten. Friend has now gone on holiday leaving this unresolved.

Wwyd? I feel a bit cheeky saying ‘oi! Pay up’ but at the same time I have just unintentionally treated her whole family to a day of food and fun. I don’t want to seem ‘grabby’. I’m a generous person, but feeding 5 extra mouths all day has really taken its toll on me!

I feel that if I don’t ask her for the money, this is going to become a bigger issue for me; but if I do ask her, I’m going to feel annoyed that I have to ask her in any event.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 20:15

She's a cheeky thing, asking you to get things in and not giving you the money. And now she's gone on holiday, so obviously she's not as broke as she's led you to believe.

Excited0803 · 23/08/2018 20:19

It depends how much you need the money. I'd find the day exhausting, but would be ok with funding the meal (would get pissed off if it happened often, but not on occasion). If I didn't have the money, that would be different. Could you just message when she gets back "hi, bit skint this month did can you drop in the £30 you owed me from the Thursday before your holiday? Thanks"

HettieBettie · 23/08/2018 20:19

Don’t make a big hung of it but ask for it: ‘Hey hun how’s the holiday? When shall we see each other next? Oh and would you mind paying me the cash back for the food the other day? Need to buy dc some shoes/something etc. See you soon - hope it’s all going well where you are x’

toomanychilder · 23/08/2018 20:23

If this is the first time I would think it really weird that you are so desperate to get it back, and would find it very strange to be bugging someone on holiday for money. If you're so strapped for cash it can't wait til she gets back then you shouldn't be lending in the first place?

Original poster

Fettuccinecarbonara · 23/08/2018 20:28

Thank you. I’m not desperately in need of the money. I could afford for it not to be paid back. But this is exactly why I am concerned.

If friend had said ‘I can’t afford this day’ or something like that, we’d have arranged something different, or I’d have offered to host, knowing it’s all at my expense.

Given the size disparities of our families, we have always split the bill.

I feel a bit ‘used’ - like my generosity has been mistaken for wealth.

OP posts:

toomanychilder · 23/08/2018 20:29

I feel a bit ‘used’ - like my generosity has been mistaken for wealth

I find your attitude genuinely bizarre. Isn't the most likely thing that she simply forgot to pay you the money owed given that people tend to be very busy when going on holiday?
I'd be wondering why you jump straight to such a negative and judgemental view of someone you call a friend.

SoyDora · 23/08/2018 20:31

Maybe she’s planning to return the favour when she’s back from her holiday?

We have always shared expenses, and when we have met up without the children, remembered who bought the last coffee etc. normal friendship rules

She probably thinks the same applies here. She’ll either pay you when she gets home or return the favour.

cheesefield · 23/08/2018 20:35

£60? Did you give the kids caviar on toast?

CostaGuava · 23/08/2018 20:41

If I invite people round to my house I fully expect to pay all food/drink costs. Perhaps she assumed you would do the same and that she'd pay costs if you went to hers?

AnoukSpirit · 23/08/2018 20:48

She's only gone on holiday not emigrated, right? So she'll be back for you to resolve this?

I wouldn't assume someone had taken advantage of me just because the timing was up against their holiday. Just remind her when she's back or whatever. If she then doesn't, that might be different.

Original poster

Fettuccinecarbonara · 23/08/2018 20:49

I hear you! Maybe I’m overthinking this. But I can’t help how I feel.

If I had invited her around I’d have hosted and paid, and not complained. Instead we discussed what we’d buy, including alcohol. If I had gone out for the day with just my children I’d not have spent anywhere near £60.

We don’t meet at her house, or rarely. Her DH is struggling with depression at the moment, and values his space. I think my friend likes coming to mine just for a break.

I so rarely think negatively, but I do often foot the bill for my friend, out of generosity, as I know times are tough for her. I have never given it a moments thought until today.

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 23/08/2018 20:55

This is easily solved. Invite her round when she returns and tell her it is her turn to buy food as she didn't contribute last time.

preggersx · 23/08/2018 20:59

I have a friend like this. I'm the one that does all the driving whenever we go anywhere.

The last time we went on a spa weekend. Which obviously we split the price. However I picked her up and dropped her off and the hotel was around 40 miles away. She said she would go halves on fuel, especially as I was going 10 miles out of my way to collect her and also drop her back off.

Came to the end of the weekend and as we had extra wine, we had slightly more to pay. Only about £7-8 or something but for some reason it just didn't work out well.

She rang me an hour after dropping her off to say I owed her £3.60. Meanwhile I was at the petrol station filling up my car.....

In your case, I'd send a friendly text just reminding her she owes you. I've found you just get taken for granted otherwise. It's hard when money is tight. We've all been there. If you don't say anything she will probably just do it again. Saying that....if she can afford to go away then things surely can't be that bad?

tenredthings · 24/08/2018 12:54

£60 is an unnecessary amount to spend IMO. If I have friend over I would expect to host but could provide meal and nibble for kids plus a bottle of wine for way less than this. I think you sound mean, your friends having a tough time , let it go but make sure next time it's clearer who paying and get cash up front if it's that important to you !

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