To think my child just ‘wished’ me dead

[SquidgyBanana]

My child just got back from spending a 3 week holiday with her dad and his family.

So many things pissed me off about this trip

First, as my own mother is a narcissist I try really hard to make sure I’m not projecting guilt or emotional blackmail into my dd 9... I felt sad that I wasn’t going to see her for 3 weeks and yet I hide that and say or course I’ll miss you but you go and have a great time, it will be fine, you can always call me etc

Anyway, she gets back and says her grandma (who lives in another country) was in tears when she was leaving and then dd 9 started crying while telling me this. I just think why is this ok? If I had stood at the door saying bye in tears like exmil I would have been strung up as an emotional manipulator... anyway I just said well she will miss you like you miss her and she’s sad you’re leaving but you’ll see her again soon etc

Then the next thing that angered me was that she said her df (my exdh) told her that unless she goes to uni and works hard she’ll spend her life as a failure and that people like Ed Sheeran are the lucky ones and she’s not one of them so basically don’t even try... my dd is smart and she’s very good at the guitar and has a lot of ambitions and is motivated to try new things and follow her passions and one of which is school... it annoyed me that XDH is trying to batter the excitiment of life and the possibilities available to her.. she’s very impressionable and has a degree of anxiety so now he’s said if you don’t go to uni you’re destined to fail she will now be hung up on that... tbh I think she can go to uni like I did and like her df did but I also encourage her to be what she wants to be and that she can do anything she wants... my dm spent her life scoffing at my dreams and goals until I felt stupid enough to not try anything.. I don’t want that for my dd... she deserves to know that she can go to uni or she can follow her dreams too.

Anyway, next thing is that she was just trying to work out when is it likely that I would die as she would miss me if she went to live with her df side of the family and if I was dead she wouldn’t miss me so much... she was saying if you die when I’m like 20 I would have time to still go and live my life over there... she was then asking who would plan my bloody funeral! Ffs lol I know she’s just a kid but it did take me back a bit.

I just said look, you don’t need to wait for me to die to go and live your life.. when you’re 16 you probably won’t want to live in my pocket and you can travel and do what you like you don’t have to worry about me... I think I’m worried that somehow my narcissistic dms traits have rubbed off on me and now my dd is feeling guilty about wanting to live her life so much so she can be free once I’m dead

Aibu? Should I just not take this to heart?
Sorry this was long...

Seriously? She’s 9. Don’t give it a seconds thought. Unless you want to create an issue where there is none? How about out the phone done and spend some time with your DD who you haven’t seen in 3 weeks instead of looking for reasons to be angry with her family.

When I was around nine I created elaborate scenarios in my head where all my family members died at once meaning no one would then miss anyone. Children think of the future in ways they can conceptualise which often sound strange to adults. :)

Yeah that’s true I still have urges to run away with the circus I guess it doesn’t mean anything.

I think it’s just flippant kid talk. She’s obviously had a great time and is yearning to go back. She’s also too young to realise that you can’t live your life in holiday mode all the time, even if she did go to live with her father’s family.

I think I’m worried that somehow my narcissistic dms traits have rubbed off on me and now my dd is feeling guilty about wanting to live her life so much so she can be free once I’m dead

You’re projecting. Try not to worry

Reading too much into it...

She is 9!!
I used to wonder and ask stuff like this all the time. She’s a child.

Calm down, go easy on yourself and get a or

Your daughter has tried out a separation from you and that was ok. It's natural at that age to start contemplating a life away from mum, even a life after mum. On the one level she is torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to be with her df and gran, and on the other she has just survived 3 weeks without you so has realised she would survive if you weren't there! Kids are very self centred, at 9 she doesn't think of you as a separate person, but as her mum who exists in relation to her, iyswim. My dd went through similar when she realised that if I go she gets to live with her big sis and husband. Now she's realised I have enough life insurance to buy a horse I shall have to watch my step!
Don't take it to heart. She loves you and has missed you.

My dd used to regularly say: "When you die, on Tuesday, I'll....... I used to bloody love Wednesdays.

Sorry forgot to close the quotes after ....."

Haha all your replies have made me see the funny side of this... tbfair she does get treated like a princess when she’s there as they obviously miss her loads and when she’s here unfortunately she has her 2 dB to contend with.

I see how that time away could have shown her she can live without me and secretly that makes me feel ok inside as before she went she would be so worried about what if she lost me... I know they would look after her and she loves to be there.

I think you’re right it’s defo time

She's just trying to process a very difficult concept out loud - the idea that she, and everybody she loves, WILL die some day. That's all. It's nothing personal, she's just trying to work through something very big and very difficult.

I remember very clearly when the concept of mortality hit me - I think I was around your daughter's age - and I was absolutely FLOORED by it.

Now I come to think of it, I think it might have been post-holidays, too: a sudden realisation of the passing of time.