to propose this to DH?

[Sandstormbrewing]

That if he continues to travel with work that we get either an au pair, cleaner or both?

DH and I both used to work in the public sector, in professional jobs requiring post grad qualifications that had the same or near enough earning scales and potentials. 2 yrs ago DH retrained and now works in the private sector, with the increase in earning potential that goes with it. However he does his current job because he loves it and we don't need the extra money it provides as all financial decisions were made when we earned the same public sector salary.

DHs current role was advertised as no/ minimal travel but as time has gone on he has been traveling more and more as his role has developed (his pay has not increased). He doesn't particularly enjoy this aspect but does enjoy the work related challenges it brings. The company overall is a good one and he has worked for some shocking ones in the past, so at the moment the benefits out-weight the negatives.

My career is important to me. To my identity and to my mental health. I enjoy it too (I'm also good at it and on good career progression and have a great pension). I collect DS from nursery each day, to do this I have to leave on time, which generally isn't an issue but to ensure I get all my work done and don't look bad at work I go in early so DH drops DS off at nursery (I get extra time back in flexi, which is eally useful). The more DH travels, the more I have to do both drop off and pick up. Which is a problem as due to commute and start/ finish times of nursery means I don't get in to work on time.

Due to dropping DS at nursery DH works later, so is rarely home before bedtime due to the commute so I do the majority of the childcare. We have been splitting household tasks roughly 60/40 other than this (take home pay is currently at a 60/40 split too but the other way!). But as DH travels more he is doing less at home, less childcare etc. It's really taking it's toll on me, more so as I am pregnant.

So I am suggesting that to combat this and to cover the loss of DHs input at home we get either a cleaner or an au pair or possibly both. We can just about afford it and I think we would be attractive to an au pair (limited childcare whilst DH is home, and not that much when he isn't, large en suit room, nice area on the outskirts of a large city, plenty of language colleagues, local gym, use of a car etc).

Do you think this sounds reasonable? I can't do all the childcare, most of the house work and maintain my career, I need support from somewhere and DH can't provide it.

If you can afford it you need to get some help and your DH should consider asking for a raise.

Racecardriver he got a really good starting salary when he moved there. He actually found out yesterday that he's paid more than the person in the position above him and is the highest paid in his role, so I doubt a raise is on the cards!

An au pair sounds like a good idea, but do you need one yet if you're due to go on maternity soon? Definitely extra help, maybe a cleaner, and then au pair or child minder when you go back. I'm assuming your mat leave is reasonable if not amazing, as I'm public sector too and due to go on mat leave later this year

Yes, I'll be on mat leave for a year, the pay isn't brilliant but it's ok. If anything I'll need more support on mat leave - I got terrible PND with DS and not sure how I'd cope if DH (or someone) wasn't there to give me some relief. I find full time childcare suffocating (especially babies), which is why work is good for my mental health!

Ah ok, well either way you're not unreasonable to get extra support if he's not pulling his weight around the house and with childcare (even if that's through circumstance rather than a lack of willing)

Also as the travel wasn't an advertised part of the job, could he ask to reduce that aspect for the first six months or so after DC2 is born?

Yes to both if you can afford it. Both myself and dh work full time in jobs we enjoy. I, like you, need to work for my own sanity.

We have a cleaner and used to have a nanny that would come in, on the morning get, get the dc fed, watered, ready for school and drop them off, also she’d do the pick ups, tea etc. They don’t need it so much now they are older but she was a life saver in the early years.

DP told me he didn’t think we need our cleaner. She went on holiday for a month (visiting family) and I told him this was the perfect opportunity to prove his point, therefore he could do 3 hours of cleaning a week to show it can be done (cleaner is 2 hours a week, but I figured he is less efficient than her).

When she returned he upped her pay, and suggested we up her hours too .

Get any help you can afford, but definitely get a cleaner,

Definitely not unreasonable OP. In fact I'd go as far as to say it's advisable in your circumstances. You need to do all you can to ward off PND and buying in help is one of those ways if you can afford to do so.

And worth sacrificing some disposable income to get you through. It doesn't have to be forever and the grind part of parenting gets easier as your children grow.

for you OP - I had PND and it was grim. Second time was better for me as I had a cleaner and more local friends. Get all the support you can and enjoy your baby.

Of course YWNBU.

Cleaner not at all unreasonable, also not overly unreasonable to suggest an au pair but he would also not be unreasonable to object as it is unreasonable to expect anyone to live with an unrelated person they don't really know if they are not comfortable to do so. It is also rather unreasonable to expect an untrained au pair to have sole responsibility for a baby and a toddler at any point so its not really the best solution for the childcare.

user139328237 I wouldn't be leaving the au pair in sole charge of the baby, and the 'sole charge' of the toddler would be before nursery a couple of times a week (baby will be going to a child minder who has longer hours than DSs nursery as his nursery only takes from 2. I'd also like her to babysit once or twice a week, but once the kids are in bed and only if she was comfortable with that.

I think I'll talk about it with him tonight - tonight is good as he has rung me today to talk about him having to work away for 9 days next month, all in one go!

He's told (not asked) work he will not be traveling for a few months once DC2 is born and they have said that is fine. Technically he can refuse to travel at all, but obviously that would have implications for how sought after he is at work.

100% get a cleaner. I personally wouldn’t get an au pair whilst on mat leave- they shouldn’t really look after children under 3 alone, and having a young girl in the house when you’re exhausted with a baby probably won’t be ideal. Have you considered a postnatal doula? They are (if you find a good one!) amazing.

I’d definitely go for a cleaner. While you’re on maternity leave I’d think about whether you want someone in your home constantly; I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t but for me I know I’d prefer to pay for nursery sessions rather than have someone in my home all the time. However as I’ve said if that’s fine for you then go for it.

Au pairs are very hit and miss and can be more hassle than you'd expect.
You could look for someone to help on a daily basis.
Do nursery drop off and come back to the house to do a spot of cleaning.
Maybe watch new baby while you get some rest etc

The cleaner is a definite, can you not drop DC off at childminder for morning drop off or are you able to do some work from home? I think you should research more into what an au pair would expect and what you would expect, especially around children under age 2 or 3. Also the implications of having someone else live in your home as part of your family and consider other options for buying in care on a daily basis.

Are your midwife and health visitor offering support around your MH?

Yes, everyone is being really supportive with my MH which is good.

We've had lodgers and foreign language students live with us before, but with the students if was only for 6-12 weeks at a time do a bit different.

DS will be 3 when new baby arrives and will get his 30 free hours in April so we plan to keep him in nursery whilst I'm on mat leave, a) because it guatentees his place when I go back to work, b) it keeps routine and continuity for him and c) it takes pressure off me. If I feel better I can always keep him at home more.

I'll look in to buying in daily help whilst on mat leave, might be the best option then look at something else when I'm back at work- DHs job might have changed again by then!

Would a mother's help be better?someone for a few hours daily ( beginning or end)who could do either a drop off or pick up and do some housekeeping.. cleaning,ironing,making up beds anything really... friends had one. A local lady who retired but wanted a top up her income. She was a sprightly 60 year old.. She did evrything and anything! Cooking, cleaning, beds, child care .. I'd bloody love one .

fussygalore118 sounds brilliant!