AIBU to expect grandparents to treat all their grandchildren equally?

[Marigold76]

Complicated family set up. My family, pretty s/f: my parents are separated and my DF has a partner both of whom are active GP to my children and my siblings children. My DM is also a v active GP and my kids have a great relationship with all of them.

My DH family, not so much. His Parents are also separated but acrimoniously so (over 25 years ago!) his DM is a bit of a disaster area. Flaky and selfish and blows hot and cold, sometimes she's v active and sometimes we don't see her for months. She spends a lot more time with her other GC as she regularly has contact with her DD (my DH sister) I have posted about her before. My DCs have a good relationship with her when they see her. They are v small still so have no idea about the inconsistency or relationship with other GC.

His DF remarried 20 odd years ago and has adult step-children who also have their own families now. Until v recently my DH (and his siblings) and his DF were estranged, when DH was around 10 I guess, he just drifted out of their lives. He says DM made it difficult to see them and told him they didn't want to see him anymore (something I believe is true) she says he just stopped bothering to come round and stopped taking an active role in their lives (something I also believe to be true..) I suspect it was a bit of both as she can be v difficult and aggressive and I suspect he is v lazy at maintaining relationships.

So. Fast forward to 2 years ago. Via another family member, DF got in touch and said he would like to be a part of our lives, meet our children and re-establish a relationship with my DH. This had a profound affect on my DH who has always been the sibling affected most by the NC from his DF. My only stipulation was that he could only meet the DC's if his intention was to build a relationship with them and not just out of curiosity. He agreed.

So, we have immersed ourselves in this new family.. attending all the events we have been invited to, visiting sporadically (DH DM and other family members have found it difficult that he is in contact with DF and he has had to juggle his time and we've tried to be sensitive in terms of our family gatherings and have invited both but explained the other might be there (having given them separate times to arrive/depart if they didn't want to see each other) or have deferred to siblings feelings if they are important guests at the event depending on what it is!

DF wife has made a huge deal about how devastated they were when they lost touch with DH and his sibs and how they always treated the children the same and were one big happy family. Since we have been back in touch I've noticed that we are very much an 'as and when' addition. Sometimes we get invited to stuff, sometimes we don't (which is fine as we don't have time to attend everything all 3 of our family's organise!) DH wife is a very very active GP to her biological GC. Childcare several fixed days a week and regular activities at weekends. As a result DH's DF is often dragged along/voluntarily attends (idk which) think: family holidays, birthdays, christenings, babysitting, help with DIY projects etc.

We've realised that although invited they rarely if ever, attend our invites. First lot of kids birthdays they made a huge fuss but this year- DF turned up day after birthday with a card and present and stayed less than 30 mins. Wife didn't come at all. Kids haven't seen her since January and him since May. Last time we spoke via FB messenger they said they were just v busy and sad they hasn't had time to visit.

FB tells me they are in regular contact with step family.

I'm not sure what we have done wrong, possibly not visited them enough. Or maybe not contacted them enough. We have been lax at contact but struggling to find the time to visit ANYONE with work/kids/3 sets of family's to manage.

So basically I'm wondering if I should just cut them off. Kids mentioned yesterday that they miss them and commented that they haven't seen them for a long time. I am up for visiting them more often but not if the disparity in treatment continues. I will not set my kids up for a lifetime of feeling second best. They are small atm but it won't be long before they pick up on the fact the other GC have a much closer relationship and that their efforts are all going in that direction.

If I tackle this. How?? How do I not sound as though I'm demanding. I can't offer the same level of contact that the step kids do. For one, they don't childcare for us which is the bulk of their contact with them and they never offer to babysit. I fully understand that step families are a minefield, that they have a closer relationship with the step kids and that we run our lives differently to them. My issue is that they came to us, said they wanted to be part of our lives and now appear to have cut us off with no explanation- other than they're busy-but not too busy for the other GC. Irrespective of our commitment I feel they're punishing my kids for something they have no control over. Would appreciate some unbiased views. Thanks.

Sorry this was too long and too confusing, who has reduced contact? Your DF or DHs didn't you say you had a good relationship with long list FIL now they are back in contact?

I've re and it doesn't help that you refer to FIL as DF. If it's FIL, that's about him, his wife has regular contact with her children because she makes the effort and he tags along, FIL should be the one making an effort with you and DH not her , however you say you don't contact or see them much either, so maybe he thinks you don't want lots of contact? It's not a game if your children want to see them, call them, say the DCs want to see you when is convenient. I can't be bothered with tally keeping in adult relationships my sixty odd year old uncle is like this if my 86 year old grandfather doesn't contact him frequently enough, it doesn't matter who called/invited last.

I’d step back and relegate them to birthdays and Christmas card family.

Does seem as if you FIL was just curious about his kids and that is now satisfied. You said he didn’t bother with his dc when he and his wife split, looks like he hasn’t changed much.

I’d do whatever you feel like which doesn’t put you out, I wouldn’t attend each and every family invitation if it’s inconvenient. Just the ones you’d enjoy.

I would try not to let it bother me too much, hopefully your dc do have loving GP’s without them.

Thanks both. FASH: yes that is what we have been doing for the last year calling them and asking for a meet up. The last time they agreed they didn't show up and sent a message saying they were sorry but forgot and would contact us soon about re-arranging. They haven't as yet.
Calling them up for contact doesn't address the different treatment though.
Also point taken about FIL! Thanks.

Fuzzy: yes, agree. And I guess that is what we will have to do if we don't tackle it it any way. I guess I'm trying to pre-empt the inevitable fall out when kids are older. My DH has really struggled with the rejection in his early teenage/adult years and I am not keen to repeat the pattern with my children. Especially given they already have an absentee GM with my MIL.

DH has retreated back into his 'fuck 'em' stage so is now not putting himself out to contact anyway. It's just really sad and I'm not point scoring, my personal feeling is that you can never have enough people loving your children, and my kids wholeheartedly embraced this new family. Such a shame for them to be rejected in this way.

Ultimately the different treatment seems to come from who is responsible for it, so FILs wife ensures she has a good relationship with her children, FIL doesn't make the same effort. If you've tried and they no show etc, just take a step back, is a shame but your DC have other actively involved GPs which is good. Just make sure they know it's not about them or their fault, but GF is busy or not very organised etc, and highlight the time spent with lovely GPs (your parents)