To not tell narcs mother about pregnancy?

[clownstotheleft]

Hi all, I am 10 weeks pregnant and have not told my family yet, so I have NC for this as my old name and the circumstances may have out me.

As the title suggests, I have a narcissistic (and alcoholic) abusive mother whom I have have NC with for the last three months. This was just before becoming pregnant after years of trying unsuccessfully with DH (incl 1 MC). AIBU if I don't tell her about this pregnancy? I mean at all - for as long as I can ever, after DC is born. I limit what she can see on my SM and I have told her I don't want any contact until she seeks help for her MH issues and alcoholism. She is not doing this (hasn't for half my life and prob won't start now). I think it is my responsibility to protect my potential DC from this type of person, I have seen how she can use people's children to manipulate them into submission and I don't want any kids I have used that way. Others over the years have told me I should always forgive her no matter what. And I see a lot of FB posts about understanding alcoholism and MH and not abandoning someone because of it! Am I being the most selfish person not allowing her to know, or am I saving her heartache of knowing but never having contact?

See below for background, so I don't have to drop feed later.

During my early childhood the underlying emotions I really remember were fear and distrust of my mother, who despite saying she loved her DC, would counteract that with her actions/words, including telling us having kids too young ruined her life, having a wildly unpredictable temper, putting her DC down and making us feel worthless in our own individual way. I could go on and on about this subject, but you get the gist. Fast forward to my teens, she had a mental breakdown following family issues and spent a couple of years in and out of institutions whilst I was home alone (my siblings had been chucked out by this point) and coping, just. I scraped the results I needed and headed off to uni and escaped. I never moved back and spent hols sofa surfing at various relatives. During this time my mothers bottle a night drink problem had become a drinking all day problem, (she is a mean drunk) and she has not worked since (on DLA). Over the years she has been diagnosed with several MH issues ranging from depression to borderline personality disorder. She has been offered therapy and even rehab, but has refused to take these (hens teeth) offers up, which really upsets me the most.

Time has passed and I have got to grips with my own issues (related to childhood), met my DH and got on with a very full life including travelling, home ownership, a varied career, living abroad - all the things I wanted to do before DC came along (I will never be able to say I didn't get to do every damn thing I pleased) . Over this time I have had periods of NC with her, but family intervened to 'keep us all together'. This enabled and emboldened her to up the anti on her drinking, to the point where she ruined one nephews birthday party by turning up pissed and calling my DSis a c**t in front of DC at another family gathering (obvs pissed again). My DSis went NC, followed by the rest of the family, one by one, as she abused and bullied them all individually. She got to me last as I live the furthest away and she cannot physically get to me, but her gaslighting (about past events) and irresponsible lifestyle choices finally got to me. She hasn't really bothered to try contact, which I am beyond happy about. We do not have anything but blood in common. She already has three 3DGC whom she is not really that interested in, although she says she is devastated by family NC she doesn't act on any of her issues which may resolve some of them.

Sorry for the ramble - congrats if you got to the end!

Yanbu, she brings nothing positive to your life and will not for your dc, from what you have said she doesn't with the dgc she already has, so i doubt yours will be any different.

I have/am been in a very similar situation to you, except in my case i already had dc, it was me getting engaged/married that was my issue, i have been married nearly 5 years and my dm doesn't have a clue, part of me did hate having to make that decision, but in the long run it was the best thing

My wedding would have been totally ruined, as would dd's birthday (we married on her 11th birthday, her request, we we planning on doing it the week before )

Thanks @Ginosaji , I had a similar dilemma for my wedding, and the whole family were primed and on high alert for the day which was not ideal, but thankfully it went without a hitch! How has your mother reacted to NC with your DD?

Don’t tell her. Concentrate on yourself and your family. My mother is very similar BUT has managed to get and stay sober in the last 5 years or so. She is still in my life but, when her narcissistic tendencies rear their head, I feel myself regretting not cutting her off. I’m about to drop with my first baby and have found myself withdrawing and being quite low contact with her as my pregnancy has progressed so I can protect myself.
Have you had any therapy to deal with your childhood at all? I’ve found as my pregnancy has progressed and I’ve thought about how I will parent, it’s caused me a lot of upset. I’ve sort of realised just how bad my childhood was I guess. I’ve talked a lot with DH about how actually becoming a parent is going to throw up a lot of stuff for me. Make sure you look after yourself in that respect too!

It sounds like a logical, rational decision that you've spent time considering. Perfectly reasonable in my opinion. Many congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you have a non-eventful pregnancy with a happy and healthy baby.

@clownstotheleft surprisingly she didn't really react at all, just sends a card and small cheque at xmas and birthdays and thats it, quite a surprise!

The only hassle i had was when i went nc with my sm, nasty vicious woman, but i used the grey rock technique there and eventually she gave up, just as well as i was on verge of going to the police for the harassment

I won’t be telling my father OP. It’s better for the child not to be exposed to toxic people.

Thank you all for your reassurance. I want to sort out my reasoning and be set for when I tell my family after the 12 wk scan. My mother's side of the family will be completely understanding but my dads side of the family will probably not understand. My parents divorced when I was very small and do not understand what living with her has been like - which is partly my and DSis fault as we don't like to dredge up / share everything for the sake of it. Also I will have to inform them I don't want info shared on their SM (some of them are friends with her on fb).

This is similar to my mother with my DNephews @Ginosaji, although she does not bother with gifts or contact with them (to be fair my sister has now moved house, and she doesn't know where they live). I have heard of the grey rock technique, I will have to look that up. I'm glad your situation has worked out now!

Have you had any therapy to deal with your childhood at all?

I have not had therapy @birdybirdbird , I spent a lot of my twenties being messed up (a pain the ass to friends and past bfs), and looking internally to try and fix it. After much introspection I have mostly come to terms with the fact that my mothers issues are all about her and nothing I say or do will help that. I also have a tendency to bury problems deep deep inside (put it in a box type thing), which is not healthy but some things can't be changed or fixed and I prefer to be good with things I can be. I intend to parent the way I have lived... trying to be as little like my mother as possible

Don't tell her, and don't get emotional and capitulate EVER,

Do whatever you can to keep your child away from her.

Others over the years have told me I should always forgive her no matter what. And I see a lot of FB posts about understanding alcoholism and MH and not abandoning someone because of it!

Ignore those idiots. They clearly have no idea about the realities of life.

Continue being NC with your mother. You're already being a better mother then she was/is, by not wanting your child to be exposed to toxicity.