Back Story:
I have been with DP for 5 years and we have ds who is 3yo. I also have dd from prev relationship who is 10yo.
I have always had concerns that dp shows zero sympathy or empathy and lacks basic social skills. He is very needy and not very independent. I have long suspected that he has undiagnosed dyslexia/ autism/ aspergers but he refuses to seek help. (he does have other symptoms backing up my theory but this part is not so relevant)
A few years ago partner was involved in a multi car collision in which two people died. He saw these people crushed and dead and I immediately offered support. In the months that followed he never mentioned it or addressed it and if I did he just seemed bored by the subject and uninterested. I knew that I would personally have been affected intensely by this but accepted he is not the same as me.
Anyway 2 years ago my dd was diagnosed with serious illness (almost life threatening during some stages of treatment) again dp asked no questions, was uninterested in my thoughts/ feelings. (nc with dd biological dad so i struggled alone) He did care solely for ds whilst I was away in hospital with dd but that's all, people thought it was odd but i justa ccepted it, I guess I was too busy to notice.
When dd had 3 months left of treatment, I invited some friends over for a drink, I got too drunk from not eating and went to bed. dp had sex with one of the guests and I knew he had, I could feel it the next day but he denied this for a week. She was talking to me with her knees all scraped saying she fell off our wall. Anyway she admitted it and I finally had my evidence, he said sorry. He left. I took him back.
Ive stayed with him and now I feel completely empty, no love or affection or conversation. No sympathy or empathy and I did it all for my kids. I still live all this every day and question why I have done this for two years.
Anyway, last week I found out he has a secret gambling habit, £500 a month on average. I confronted him, he says sorry and then begs for forgiveness and I accept as usual. Except last night I lost my s* and kicked him out. He thinks i'm crazy and we will be ok. Am I crazy? Could we make it work? Will anyone want a single mum with two dc?
For what its worth, I own the house solely with around 50k equity, work part time but on a good salary as a finance manager and own my own car which is a really old thing worth 1k but at least I have no debts.
I feel like I need a leader, I have lost my way and I have lost who I used to be. I feel quite alone and i'm starting to feel envious of happy families around me and I feel embarassed that I've kept this act up for years. I think people pity me as the lady with the sick kid whos partner slept with her mate.
I'm actually quite well liked with a large group of really good friends but I've just never felt able to admit how s* i feel to them.
Where do i go from here? Im sat crying at my desk, he's calling begging me to take him back, saying he will change/ get help etc. Saying he can't cope without me. The guilt i feel is immense and i feel like I am suffering yet I have done nothing wrong.
(btw dd is fully recovered and unlikely to suffer again)