How to be with a man who hates/does not get on with his ex?

[LottaTea]

Name changed for this.

DP and his ex do not get on. They have just been through a long drawn out court process. She wanted him to only have their DD fri-sun every other weekend, he argued this isn't enough, went to court, and they agreed and said DD needs more contact with her father than this. I was not involved, and only offered my support to him when needed. He has always paid maintenance (he overpays) and as most dads do, he adores his daughter. Ex is now furious.

He has never got on with his ex. She cheated on him and I believe this is why they split. He seems to hold a grudge over her because of it and it drives me crazy. It was years ago and not relevant anymore, but it does get mentioned occasionally. Not my business so I just ignore.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and his DD is extremely excited. We all are.

I never had a problem with his ex, however recently have noticed that she has started saying things to her DD:

• 'she's not your mum' (I know this and don't try to be)
• 'they won't be your real brother or sister'
• 'daddy is to do your hair, not her' (I did a French braid once because she wanted it, and her mum text DP to say not to braid her hair as it doesn't suit her)
• the one time she chose to argue with me was because her DD had told me that 'mummy said I don't have to stay at daddy's' and of course I mentioned this to my partner as it worried me. Whether that was the correct thing to do or not I don't know. I the next day got a text from the ex saying 'when you have your child you will understand what it's like to be a mother' which is where I drew the line and text her telling her not to contact me again. A bizarre text to receive having not said anything to her and not ever having had an issue before.

The list could go on but the above is what I regularly face. And of course questions are asked by DPs DD.

It's not a huge issue and I ignore for the most part. I've never had an argument or issue with her mum until that last comment, so I don't know why she dislikes me so much. I don't overstep any marks and I am just there as an extra person and help her DD when I can (she's only 6).

I'm really concerned about what it is going to be like when baby is born. I find it hard work being stuck in the middle of their arguments. I can't be bothered to be sucked in to them. It drains the life out of me. I don't know what I can and can't do with his DD and am constantly waiting for her mum to have another complaint about me.

Maybe pregnancy hormones, I just hate being stuck in the middle and don't see why they need to argue when the pick up dates are set and both are good parents who DD adores.

AIBU to feel fed up? To not want to deal with this anymore? Or is this just a normal part of being in this type of family unit?

Sounds sadly like it’s the norm for them. It’s sad, but it’s how some end up. Hopefully time will make things easier, once dd has a phone and can arrange pick ups etc herself? I’d kee doing what you’re doing, keep out when possible.

Gosh @Thehop it's so draining. I made the mistake of suggesting that they actually sit in the same room and talk once - that didn't go down well.

I fe awkward now me and his ex don't have a good relationship. I didn't ever want to be her friend but am sad she feels the need to belittle me.

Shame. Not sure I will tolerate hearing about it as much once baby is born but feel like it will likely get worse...

It sounds like a normal part of being in this family unit as what the ex does and says to her DD is always going to be outside of your control.

My advice would just be to continue to make sure that from your side you don't get caught up in it. DD will have her own views as she gets older and will appreciate that you don't participate in the same manipulative behaviour.

Hopefully in time her mum will calm down a bit. She's probably jealous about the baby in a strange kind of way but I think it will get better.

You need to make sure your DP handles things as well as he can his end. Tell him he needs to have a word with his ex and make sure she knows that what goes on in his house isn't any of her business as long as his DD is happy and safe.

Thanks @Doyoumind - it's so draining. Nothing ever materialises from their arguments, they're both just very stubborn. My advice was for him to reply to her with 'ok' every time she text something stupid but he won't listen and bites, ending in a big stupid argument. It's like a couple of teenagers sometimes I seriously despair.

My dp loathes his ex wife.
She has been bitter and difficult.
But its more that he just wants nothing to do with her, the kids are now adults so he supports them directly, we both have great relationships with all of our daughters and so I think he is frustrated that she still tells him frequently that he ruined her and daughters lives, and everything that is wrong in her live ever is due to him.
Tbf apparently she was like this before when they were married.
Even his daughters roll their eyes if she starts a tirade up

I say nothing.

Feel like you’ve posted about this before? Maybe another OP with the same issue, something about the Mum having an issue with you breastfeeding in front of DD?

All you can do is reassure DD that she is very much an important part of your family, that this is her sibling and that you want her to come visit you as much as possible. That’s the truth and that’s what she needs to hear. There’s very little you can do about his ex feeding her toxic nonsense other than counteract it with the truth.

Have you told your dp how you feel? What is he doing to minimise arguing or problems?
YANBU to block her on your phone but other than that just stay out of it and enjoy your own baby.

My partner's ex did something similar when I was heavily pregnant reference the baby not being family. I blocked her and want no contact. Honestly it's soo much easier, she isn't your problem and what happens at your house (,provide there are no saftey issues) is none of her business and your DP needs to say that . Just be nice to the children and make sure they get to bond with their half siblings, it's important. My DSC love their little brother and he's bonded with them - it's beautiful to see.