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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my sister from taking my DD out for a treat?

25 replies

PSILoveWine · 22/08/2018 22:29

Hiii 👋

Okay so I have two DD's who have birthdays a month apart, my youngest was 7 in June and my eldest was 10 last month.

My sister brought gifts for my youngest on her birthday in June which was lovely of her and completely skipped my eldest's last month, which wasn't an issue as both DD's never expect anything from their Aunt anyway.

So my sister would like to take my eldest away for the day on Saturday with her boyfriend as she missed her birthday, she's never taken her out before, I think she's trying to play the great family member to her boyfriend tbh but she'd deny that.

My issue is that my eldest DD has been getting a lot recently, for example invites to parties, days out with friends, extra opportunities because of her age which she has loved. My youngest DD hasn't had any invites or events recently apart from with me and is feeling rightfully a bit left out, as it really does appear that her big sister is getting lots of fun stuff and she hasn't had any ( fun with Mum is not the same apparently).

Because DD's birthday was over a month ago, would it be unreasonable for me to ask my sister if she would mind doing something similar for DD as she did with my youngest so that they both felt equal?
Or should it be that my youngest needs to accept she she can't always get the same as her sister?

Xx

OP posts:
NaomiNagata · 22/08/2018 22:34

This is a lesson your youngest needs to learn. It will just get more pronounced when the eldest starts high school so you need to teach her now that her chance will come when she reaches those ages.

But... the sister thing is a separate issue. She should treat them the same so either gifts or an activity but not gifts for one and an actvity for the other. When it's family to both, it feels like playing favourites. The invited your eldest gets are from her friends so the youngest can understand why she can't go, but this is an invite from someone with the same relationship to them both. That's not easy to explain.

CSIblonde · 22/08/2018 22:41

She's treating them differently OP. Really not on. I'd say no just get her a late gift. As for other events your youngest needs to learn she isn't invited & sometimes they do separate things. They arent a unit, they are individuals.

Ohyesiam · 22/08/2018 22:44

It’s just the way it is in families. I was the little sister and longed for the privileges of age. My turn came.

Just explain to your youngest that at her age, your eldest didn’t have/ do those things either.

Enidblyton1 · 22/08/2018 22:45

It’s a slippery slope if you try and make things ‘fair’ for siblings. Just keep explaining to you her DD that she does different things to her sister. Trips out are likely to increase as she gets older. I certainly wouldn’t mention it to your sister unless you’re very close and can do it tactfully. She isn’t obliged to give the same presents to each of her nieces.

BlueBug45 · 22/08/2018 22:47

Agree with PPs due to doing it myself. When you have nieces and nephews who are close in age from one sibling you have to give them similar things on their birthdays and Christmas.

If they have birthdays near each other, like yours do, and you want to take one out then it's easiest to find an activity and take both out together. There tends to be lots of random events in summer that suit children of those ages.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 22/08/2018 22:54

Thanks everyone.

I don't have any nieces or nephews at the moment so I don't know what I'd do on their birthdays.
I guess I'm just on mum mode where everything should be equal.

I do understand that my eldest will get opportunities before her sister and that has been explained to my youngest, I was just unsure of what to do when it came to their auntie. X

OP posts:
meadowmeow · 22/08/2018 22:57

No. She is offering to make it up to your eldest because she missed her birthday. I don't think you can deny your DD that.

My issue is that my eldest DD has been getting a lot recently, for example invites to parties, days out with friends, extra opportunities because of her age which she has loved. My youngest DD hasn't had any invites or events recently apart from with me and is feeling rightfully a bit left out, as it really does appear that her big sister is getting lots of fun stuff and she hasn't had any

All of this is nothing to do with your sisters offer. It is however perfectly normal as children grow up.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 22/08/2018 23:02

This is something that comes up in my family a lot. I feel very strongly that its ok to take one out for something if you take the othwr out at a different time but taking one out and buying one a present isn't fair. Also always doing more for one than the othwr isn't fair.

I do think in general the oldest will do things first and the youngest will get their turn but with this particular example its not about being the oldest or youngest it's just your sister being disorganised about presents. Cant she just take both of them?

FrancisCrawford · 22/08/2018 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpiritedLondon · 22/08/2018 23:11

The offer your sister has made has nothing to do with the other events that your eldest DD has been invited to, that’s entirely coincidental. Your DS bought your youngest a gift and it’s appropriate that she also buys your eldest a gift or marks the occasion in some way ( and I don’t think it would be fair to give to one and not the other). Of course what that gift is is entirely open to debate and it may be you ask your DS to give her a token present rather than a day out if it’s going to spark bad feeling. Perhaps next year she can take them both out since their birthdays and their ages are not that far apart.

Witchend · 22/08/2018 23:13

She's bought one a present, taking other out
That sounds fair to me
If you say she can't take the oldest out then she's ultimately not been treated fairly as she didn't get a gift

At 7yo the younger one is more than old enough to understand that they had a gift instead

Floralnomad · 22/08/2018 23:18

Even as a mum I’ve never tried to make things equal , eventually things even themselves out .

Italiangreyhound · 22/08/2018 23:21

They are your children so it is your call. You can easily say that you would not like your dd to go on an outing. You'd like her to have a gift like your younger dd.

You can explain why.

If your sister wants to do the family thing she could bring the guy round to meet you or meet up for coffee/lunch etc.

BackforGood · 22/08/2018 23:27

Yes, YABU.
Treating people fairly doesn't mean treating people the same

Your older one missed out on the gifts that the younger one got, but she will go out for the day instead. That is fair though not the same.
It will happen a lot in life.
It never seems fair when a sibling is getting something different from you - anyone with siblings will recognise that Grin - but you would be very unreasonable to stop your older dd having a nice day out with her Auntie in lieu of a birthday present, because her sister hasn't had the same this year. They are different ages, and will have different things happening in different years.

MarthasGinYard · 22/08/2018 23:28

'She's bought one a present, taking other out
That sounds fair to me'

And me

I'd stop questioning her kindness and not comment. I think a day out treat is lovely.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 22/08/2018 23:39

Just to clarify it isn't just a day out, my sister plans on taking her to get a few outfits, pick her own pressies and get a meal.

I do however understand what yous are all saying so I will let her go and explain to my youngest DD that she will get her turn when she gets older, we can do something fun at home anyway.

Thanks guys. X

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 22/08/2018 23:43

Shes out of order. I have 3 neices and they are all treated the same. Each gets a gift on their birthday and if its an outing all of them are invited.

DerekTheBrave · 22/08/2018 23:51

so that they both felt equal?

It’s awkward when you have two close in age but your youngest just needs to learn that her sister is older and gets to do things first.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2018 00:08

"...it isn't just a day out, my sister plans on taking her to get a few outfits, pick her own pressies and get a meal."

That sounds pretty OTT and very unfair on the younger child.

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/08/2018 00:13

your sister is showing favouritism as and when it suits her.
i'd just make my excuses and say no

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2018 16:11

Why not suggest yoir sis yskrs both girls out to lunch and has a ready, wrapped gift for the birthday girl?

Would imagine boyfriend would be dead bored going clothes shopping with a w0 year old.

The shopping and outfit thing could be another time, Christmas with both girls.

Or a turning 12 or 13 or startling high schoo thing. A recognised treat dd2 would get when her turn came.

SandyY2K · 23/08/2018 16:19

I don't think you should ask your sister this. She had decided what to do for each child. I have several nieces and may do a certain outing for one of them due to their personality and how I get on with them.

I'd be miffed if my Dsis felt the need to demand the same for the others.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2018 18:18

10 year old.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2018 18:20

Thst's a fair point Sandy but I think I'd care more about the feelings of my children then my sis. A big expensive outing ( eith boyfriend) verses just a gift seems unbalanced.

PSILoveWine · 12/10/2018 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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