AIBU about dh and work life balance or is this normal

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Posting for traffic. I suspect iabu

It FEELS like I have all the responsibility, have to organise everything, have 100% mental load. This possibly because at the mo dp is between jobs and has been off all summer. He starts again next week.
I work full time, I have to sort finances, school stuff, health stuff, I make all the plans, it feels like all the effort and I feel resentful to dh at times.
Dh on the one hand seems to worry about what he wants to do. It annoys me that even though he barely ever plays on it (1hr a week) he's always looking at PlayStation games we can't afford and he plays football once a week on the weekend meaning that we can't have that day as a family day which grates me as I work full time. He's always done this. These are the only things he has to worry about while I'm over here stressed about organising our whole lives and he is just oblivious no matter how many times I bring it up.
Is this normal? In all other areas he's amazing.
He's loving, loyal, respectful, an amazing hands on dad. He does the lions share in the house physically. I have a disability that is very limiting so he does most of the cooking and laundry. I don't know if I'm annoyed because he has a life and things to do to chill out and ways to take his mind of responsibilities or because it reminds me that I don't have those things and I would love to but due to disability I have lost so many parts of my life like that that all I do is work eat and sleep. I have no hobbies or sports anymore to help me relax and maybe if I did, it wouldn't seem like he was ducking out when he went to football or that he didn't care about the finances when he's looking at games. The more I write this the more I know iabu, but I'm pregnant with dc3 and think I just need to hear that this is normal ish.

He’s been unemployed for 3 months yet you do everything whilst pregnant and working full time? No, that is not normal or acceptable. Tell the lazy shit to get off his backside, grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for his life and family.

Wait what, he's not been working during the summer but he's not been doing any of the house or kid stuff? What has he been doing? Was he off work due to a health reason or redundancy? If money is such an issue why didn't he find some work sooner?

Your description of him does not sound like a hands on Dad. A hand on Dad is not one who just plays with their children.

No physically he's amazing.
He's always there for the kids, never complains. He cooks all meals, washes up, does laundry and tidies up. He's constantly fetching me things so I don't have to move for them when I'm uncomfortable or struggling. He puts the kids to bed and does the bedtime routine probably more than me lately. I can't complain physically at all other than when he's at football which may be a normal man thing?
But mentally I have the whole load if that makes sense. Dd has a brain injury they don't know the cause yet so I have the stress of that and school stuff and money and making sure all the cogs turn in terms of organisation and life admin but actual physical jobs he is great with so maybe we're just a team like that. He's so chilled out about everything though and I just wish he was more mentally committed but he doesn't get it. I have no other problems with the relationship I just end up more stressed out than I feel I should be

I haven't put pressure on him to go back to work sooner because I work full time and dd has spent a lot of time in hospital and having tests and has been at home since May so he has been more useful at home supporting her adjusting to things when she was not quite up to being at school (she's only 3)
So we have been working as a team in that respect he hasn't been off by himself being lazy by any means but i just wish he would be more switched on to things and understanding. I probably am being unreasonable. He's so loving and supportive. If I got to go around and run with my mates once a week and he took care of the admin stuff I probably wouldn't complain

OP, you say he does the bulk of the laundry and cooking. Who does the cleaning?

Ultimately once he's back at work you should both have the same amount of down time. If his home maintenance time is spent doing physical chores that you're not able to manage, and yours is spent doing the budgeting and school admin, I think that's fair enough IF the timings are about even. Is just a division of labour. However, if he's getting lots more downtime than you, that's obviously not fair.

I don't think him playing football once a week is a big deal although I can see why it would be annoying that it's at a weekend - any chance of him doing a weeknight instead? I agree that it would be good for you to also have something that's just yours - even if you take one evening a week to just read a book in the bath or whatever, you need that total switch off time too.

When you say he looks at games, is he actually buying them? My DH reads lots of game reviews etc but also doesn't buy many games as he doesn't get a lot of time to play (we have a 6 month old!) but I don't really see the problem if he's not spending money.

Ahh okay cross-posted with you OP. I understand better what your issue is now and I totally get it. It's the stress of always having to be the one that thinks about things. That's tough.

Okay, first things first, you do need your switch off time once a week. Pick an activity and a time and sort it with him.

Secondly, is there something you could delegate to him in full? Finances? School admin? Present buying? Etc? It sounds like he does his fair share physically and I wonder if this is more about you wanting him to have to plan ahead and be more thoughtful in your family life rather than just doing the day to day. My husband is similar and I totally get how you feel. I can't complain because he's wonderful and does so much - but also I wish it wasn't always me that had to do things like remember that we haven't seen his dad in a couple of weeks and arrange a visit, or read the books on weaning and decide what we're going to do, or think about nursery places and make the appointments etc etc. Mental load. It's tough.

Have you talked to him about it?

When does he play football and how much time does that take? I wouldn’t have a problem with a weekday evening game a week but if it is taking up a significant proportion of the weekend, every weekend, and you don’t get the same down time then that isn’t fair.

@peachgreen you could be my soulmate 😂 that is absolutely spot on.
I do talk to him about it I just don't think he understands it and thinks he is trying his best. Delegating one thing to him is a good idea. I like the sound of that.
He doesn't usually buy the games but he will be on the buy screen when I walk in and I just think why? I do need to find something I can enjoy too.

It sounds like you're exhausted and that is making the little things get to you. So you need to separate the important things from the ones you can (and should) let go.

The game thing is not a big deal. My husband does the same thing with games - I think it's the equivalent to me window shopping in jewellers, I know I can't get anything but it's nice to look and dream! It seems a bit odd to us but sure, if it makes them happy, they can crack on!

The football thing could be a big deal depending on what about it is bothering you. Would you be happy if you had an equal amount of responsibility-free time? My husband goes kayaking once or twice a week. But to make up for it, he takes our DD out or I go out for the same amount of time at the weekend. It's my only proper break (I don't think you can switch off as a Mum if your baby is in the house, even if someone else is taking primary care of them) and it makes all the difference. Could that work for you? Alternatively could he go in the evening instead? That's what my DH usually does, he goes out once our DD is in bed which means I get a nice evening to myself! I usually spend it folding washing etc but I put something rubbish on Netflix while I do it!

The mental load thing is more complex. In our house it's a mixture of me being an over-planner who thinks about things too far in advance, and my DH being an underplanner who doesn't think ahead about anything. For example, we're meeting his friend's new baby at the weekend and I've been asking him to sort out a gift for ages. Last night I was all "I guess I'm going to have to get a gift for the baby then as you've left it so late harrumph" and he was all "it's not until Saturday, I'll get something on my lunch break on Friday" and couldn't understand why I was stressed about it! But actually he's right really, and the key to delegation is that you have to let them do it in their own way. You're delegating to get it done, not to get it done in precisely the way you would do it.

So definitely pick something and hand the mental load to him - but I would do it in a way that shows that you appreciate everything he does and this isn't about him not pulling his weight, it's just about you sharing responsibility for your family life and that includes the thinking as well as the doing! I don't think they (by they I mean non-planners) really understand what it is we're worrying about because I genuinely think they're more spontaneous people and it's not that they don't plan because we do it for them, it's more that they don't plan because they tend to deal with things as and when they come up. So I think that's probably why just talking doesn't really work - they can't quite understand the problem.

I hope it works out for you!