Saying he should get up in the morning

11 replies

Rooneyrose · 22/08/2018 18:19

Just had a heated discussion with a good friend and her partner.
They have an 8 week old breastfed baby. Baby isn’t the best sleeper and she’s up feeding him a lot in the night, at least 4 times for half an hour at a time. To try and get a bit more sleep she’s going to bed early but is generally exhausted and I could tell she’s really struggling. They have a 3 year old so she doesn’t rest in the day.

Partner works full time 8.30-4.30 in a not very stressful job and doesn’t help at all with the night feeds as she’s breastfeeding and they both agree it’s her job. He also spends all evening from her going to bed 8ish until sometime around midnight gaming. As a result of this he struggles to get up in the morning so she gets up with the 3 year old and the baby. After being up half the night as well!
I said he should be trying to get some early nights so that he can get up and give her a lie in. They both shot me down and said it’s her job. He’s not got a history of being manipulative or dominating, in fact I always thought he was a bit under her thumb. She’s not making the situation easier by siding with him but I think it’s just that she feels that she has to do everything without help.
I got into a very angry discussion with them as I can see the exhaustion is affecting her mental health. I don’t want to lose her friendship but as far as I’m concerned her partner is being totally unreasonable and she needs a break!

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 22/08/2018 18:20

I'm not sure it's any of your business if she's saying she's happy to get up with them.

RedHelenB · 22/08/2018 18:21

YABU - not your place to comment!

Finfintytint · 22/08/2018 18:21

Well yes, he could do more but she needs to express this ( excuse the pun) to him.

Allabitmuchisntit · 22/08/2018 18:24

Yeah don’t really think it’s any of your business unfortunately. You causing a row, by pushing your opinion onto them, will no doubt just cause further stress and upset for your friend. Drop it and find a more effective way to support her.

abigailsnan · 22/08/2018 18:28

If she is OK with the situation then rather than loose a friend I would keep my mouth firmly shut.
He could however feed the baby ealry evening a couple of times from expredded milk surely.

abigailsnan · 22/08/2018 18:29

expressed milk (fat fingers)

Original poster

Rooneyrose · 22/08/2018 18:30

Any suggestions how I can support her? I’m 7 months pregnant with twins so I can’t offer to help much with the children as I’m not very able bodied. I won’t push it further I just feel like i need to do something as I’ve known her since school and I can see she’s very fragile and she’s in danger of making herself ill. She’s a people pleaser and has made herself ill this way in the past. He could help but he won’t and clearly me talking to him independently would make me unreasonable as it’s none of my business.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rooneyrose · 22/08/2018 18:34

She won’t express. The only way he could help would be getting up early with the kids after she’s fed her youngest.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 22/08/2018 18:44

Not your place to comment. Leave it.

If she likes things as they are or likes to feel that that is her role then that is her business and she probably won't want you dipping your oar in.

Topseyt · 22/08/2018 18:47

Just let her know that you are there as a sounding board if wanted, but don't otherwise try to dictate who should be doing what?

LannieDuck · 22/08/2018 18:50

I agree with you, but other than expressing surprise at their arrangement (to indicate that it's not really very fair, in case she's been pushed into it), I don't think there's much else you can do.

I guess you could have a quiet word with her some time and confirm she really is ok with it?

Flip