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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the kids to understand that when I say "What is xyz doing on the floor?"...

28 replies

Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 17:20

That I mean for them to pick it up and put it away/in the bin/whatever!?

Kids age 7 to 12 so not little ones. I have asked them if they understand what I'm getting at and they say they do.

But they still don't listen...

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 22/08/2018 17:22

Ds's are 14+17 and no better.
Sorry op!!

sirfredfredgeorge · 22/08/2018 17:24

AIBU To expect my mum to say what she actually wants rather than use stupid passive language that really makes me mad?

Just say what you want.

Maelstrop · 22/08/2018 17:25

One of the techniques teachers are given with children who may not be great at following instructions is to give the command then immediately thank the child. ‘I’m not saying you left that wrapper there, but pop it in the bin, please. Thanks’.

Asking why something is on the floor is counterproductive. You’re going to get the ‘I dunno” answer.

LittleYellowLifejacket · 22/08/2018 17:34

Just tell them to pick it up?? Why be so pa about it

RandomMess · 22/08/2018 17:36

I can't stand hint droppers!

Just ask them to pick it up/put it away...

Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 17:37

Thanks. I do ask directly too but it would be nice to be able to point something out and for them to use their own brains to figure out what to do with the information 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 17:39

The thing is they already know they should pick it up 🤔

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 22/08/2018 17:41

AIBU To expect my mum to say what she actually wants rather than use stupid passive language that really makes me mad?

Exactly this ^

See also questions like:
“Do you want to help me with this?”
“Do you want to make a cup of tea?”
“Do you want to put that away?”

No, no, and no are the answers.

Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 17:59

This really was an AIBU btw. So the consensus I'd I need to be more direct.

I do struggle with my 12 year old even when being direct. Recent example - new clothes for school.

Me: Go and put your shirts in your drawer please
Ds: grumble grumble
Me: Shirts away (or something similar can't quiteremember )
Ds goes upstairs, comes back down
Me: did you put them away?
Ds: I put them on the landing
Me: well they need to be put away in the drawer
Ds goes upstairs again with a huff and a grumble. Comes back down.
Me: So they're in the drawer now?
Ds: well they're on top of the chest of drawers...
Me: you need to put them in the drawer
Ds: why do I have to go upstairs again!?
Me: Well if you'd put them away the first time..

If I hadn't asked him if he'd done it then I might have gone upstairs later and seen the shirts on the landing and bellowed "What are your shirts doing on the landing!?" IYSWIM

OP posts:
Ceecee18 · 22/08/2018 18:20

My mom always did this to us as kids, drove us mad. She still drops hints at us all now and it's still really fucking annoying. Just say what you want them to do. I've never understood it, you know they're just going to say 'I don't know' and not put it in the bin, so just ask them to put it in the bloody bin. Expecting them to use their own brains to figure out what they want, just use your own bloody brain and realise you're more likely to get the response you want if you ask them to do what you actually want.

This post has brought back the frustration of my 12 year old self.

Ceecee18 · 22/08/2018 18:23

Your last post sounds exactly like my younger brother, that did drive me mad. I used to try and catch him just as he had finished whatever task it was and ask if he had done it properly like 'are they actually in the drawers?' He eventually did things properly as he 'felt patronised'.

Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 18:58

OK, I am listening Grin I will try not to irritate and annoy my kids.

I think I might have got it from the book How to Talk so kids will listen. Instead of telling directly to put milk in the fridge say something like "milk belongs in the fridge"

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 18:59

Read it donkeys ago so could be wrong 😄

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 22/08/2018 19:10

I use "I need you to..." with mine, no idea where it came from but it works as it doesn't leave any room for negotiations.

DH uses "would you like to..." when he's expecting them to do something and can't - even after 12 years of parenting - work out the difference between my commands and his questions, he just tells me "the children are ignorant, there's no order in this house". The fool.

anotherangel2 · 22/08/2018 19:13

A ‘double what’ maybe be useful here. Why is xyz on the floor? And with no space to answer then ask Where should xyz be?

OwlBeThere · 22/08/2018 19:16

I agree about being direct, but at the same time, at 12 they shouldn't need to be told all the time to do something its obvious needs doing. directing people to do obvious things means I have to spend all MY time noticing everything and that in itself is irritating.
Pick your shit up. its not that hard.

WooYa · 22/08/2018 19:16

DH is like this so you might be stuck HmmGrin

CSIblonde · 22/08/2018 19:18

Why are you asking why its there if you want it picked up? That's opening a boring discussion, not saying what you want. Be concise & clear: 'pick that up please'.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/08/2018 19:19

Even worse, my 41yo husband will walk over some rubbish on the floor 50 times, until I pick it up. If I ask directly he huffs like a child. Our DC at least don’t huff when I remind them not to drop their clothes where they stand instead of putting them in the wash basket. I don’t know how to solve this one. They just don’t seem to see what mum’s do.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/08/2018 19:22

My response to "what is your shirt doing on the floor" would be "it's not doing much, what were you expecting it to do?". Ok so I realise that sounds rude so I think it, not say it.the point being, it's not a very constructive question .. If you want something put away then say so!

Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 19:24

at 12 they shouldn't need to be told all the time to do something its obvious needs doing. directing people to do obvious things means I have to spend all MY time noticing everything and that in itself is irritating

Exactly this is why I feel I shouldn't have to tell all the time.

Ps don't even get me started on my DH 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 19:25

Thanks another angle, I'll try that. I am taking on board all the advice.

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 22/08/2018 19:35

I agree with anotherangle but suggest that you may even need to go a bit further... ‘why is your shirt on the floor? Where should it be? It needs to be in your room, thank you so much for taking it there (because I’d you don’t it’s going in the bin). My sons now say ‘please don’t ‘talk’ me! Sometimes if you treat children who act like two year olds as though they are two year olds it gets them to behave more like adults. The corollary is that once they behave like adults you praise them for it!

Original poster
Ihavenoideaatall · 22/08/2018 19:44

I'll give that a try!

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 22/08/2018 20:05

I use the “I’m not saying you left it there but I am asking you to please pick it up” with Brownies. If I just ask them to pick it up many will respond with “but it’s not mine”, I think they see it as an accusation rather than a request and they get defensive (even if it was them that dropped it!) I’m never sure who dropped it anyway, so I don’t want to get into a “not me!” situation!