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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more from stepson

21 replies

Loopy83 · 22/08/2018 14:57

I don't know if I'm BU. I've known my stepson since he was 8 (he's 16 now) and although things haven't always been easy in our relationship we've jumbled along together and we're at a reasonable place with each other now.

Been with DH for 8 years. DH is very poorly with severe depression, to the point where he can barely work. Stepson doesn't live with us but an hour away by car with his mother. Who we don't get on with.
When stepson is with his mother, he doesn't ever contact DH. It's as if we don't exist, out of sight, out of mind. DH is lucky if he gets so much as a one word text reply when he contacts his boy. It's pretty obvious that DH is poorly but stepson doesn't appear to care. When he comes here for the weekend he spends all his time in his room.

Now I know some of this, most is normal teenage behaviour but my heart is breaking for DH as he loves his boy and the lack of contact and care he's getting is killing him.

AIBU to expect my stepson to care more? Should I step in and say something?

OP posts:

Cloudyapples · 22/08/2018 15:03

I thank you are being a little unreasonable. He’s only 16 - that is still quite young to understand mental health and he might be hiding away as he doesn’t know what to do/how to help. Maybe if you spoke to him and made some suggestions of things he could do with his dad so they spend some quality time together outside of the house? Talk to him about how he is feeling about he situation? He is a teenager after all.

sockunicorn · 22/08/2018 15:10

I may be wide of the mark and dont know your stepson, but in my case when I was with one parent they were extremely bitter and nasty regarding the other. So any mention of them and I would get nasty comments. Maybe your stepson feels hes being a traitor to his mother by contacting/thinking about you and his DH. I know this is ridiculous but one parent conditioned me to feel shit about even THINKING about the other parent, let alone contacting them. Does he contact his mother when hes with you? Perhaps his way to deal with the divorce and split (which is traumatic for anyone) is to put you all in boxes.

sockunicorn · 22/08/2018 15:12

Also, with your husband being so poorly, maybe they just dont have that good a relationship. It works 2 ways. Maybe he doesnt feel supported or a priority to your husband so doesnt feel able to give it back.

toomanychilder · 22/08/2018 15:14

SS doesn't contact or see much of his father. Does his father attempt to contact or see much of his son? Does he call or text or message him at all? Does he show any interest in him?

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/08/2018 15:15

To be fair, a 16yo shouldn't have to cope with a sick parent - how is your DH stepping up and interacting when his son is there? But TBH, most teenagers spend eons in their room, frequently appearing for food and disappearing again.

Clairetree1 · 22/08/2018 15:15

He is too young to know what to do or to understand the situation, or to be burdened by it. Leave him out of it. YABU to expect anything of him

Original poster

Loopy83 · 22/08/2018 15:17

Yes he makes long animated phone calls to his mother when he's with us. Which obviously hurts DH even more.

I get that he might feel like he can't call his Dad when mum is around but she works long hours and he has plenty of time to himself where he could make a call. DH had made lots of effort to try and do things with his boy when he is here (which considering how ill he is just shows how much he cares) but all stepson wants to do is be alone in his room.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's normal for teenagers to want to spend time with friends and he's probably doing online stuff with them, I just would like to think he'd see his Dad being ill and care more. But maybe I am expecting too much.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 22/08/2018 15:18

In my experience it's pretty normal for teenagers not to contact their non resident parent when they are at home. Teenagers are naturally selfish, it's just the phase of life they are going through, I don't think you can fairly criticise your SS for not getting in touch or saying much on text.

It's also pretty normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time in their rooms, and is especially understandable if your dh is depressed, depressed people are often not that easy to be around for adults, let alone 16 year olds. Nor is depression that easy to understand.

I get where you're coming from because I know how much it hurts to see someone you love suffering and it's difficult when you know that someone else could do something to help, but that is unfair pressure and expection to have of a young lad. Please don't say anything, it won't help.

Original poster

Loopy83 · 22/08/2018 15:18

Should I at least attempt to explain DH is ill without burdening him? As a 16 year old I'd have been upset not to know my Dad was poorly?

OP posts:

toomanychilder · 22/08/2018 15:21

get that he might feel like he can't call his Dad when mum is around but she works long hours and he has plenty of time to himself where he could make a call

But does your DH ever make the call?

You seem to think that the relationship should be carried here by the child because your DH is ill. It doesn't work like that. He's still the child.
I'm guessing here that dh's illness means he does very little to foster his relationship with his son.

onanothertrain · 22/08/2018 15:31

Perhaps SS can't handle / doesn't understand. Severe depression is very difficult to live with and you seem to be expecting a 16 year old boy to take on the responsibility of maintaining a relationship with his father. What is your DH doing for the relationship? If it's nothing why would your SS come out his room?

Batmanwearspants · 22/08/2018 15:34

I wouldn't burden a parents mental health on a teenager. He's still a child, its not his responsibility to act as an emotional support system for his father. Yes it would be nice for him to display empathy, but if they don't have a good relationship to begin with (which reading between the lines that seems to be what is inferred), I doubt there is much you can do. As others have also said, wouldn't expect a 16 year old to pick up on a parent being unwell when it is mental health. Remember you are living with your husband 24/7 and seeing what he is like every day. Your stepson is not.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 22/08/2018 15:37

I think you need to take a step back here you can’t manufacture something that isn’t there. He’s 16 he is able to make his own choices and if he wishes to contact his df he will do so on his own terms like he does with his mother. It sounds as if he feels the relationship is different to that of his mother who he has spent the majority of his childhood with. It’s up to your dh as his father to enjoy and develop their relationship with him being his dad and all.

Original poster

Loopy83 · 22/08/2018 15:39

Ahh I think I've misrepresented their relationship... DH does call SS all the time. Makes an effort to go places, do things SS likes to do. But SS not receptive. Please don't paint DH as uncaring father. He's the best Dad I know, illness aside.

I don't expect him to carry the burden at all. I just see that this is hurting DH and it upsets me.

Regretting asking for advice now.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 22/08/2018 15:46

I had no idea how to deal with my dad’s depression (and other MH issues) in my teens.
Many adults don’t.

Did they have a close relationship before? I’m not saying good vs bad, just - close.

A 16yo shouldn’t carry the burden, and you especially can’t expect them to want to try if they’re not close anyway.

Original poster

Loopy83 · 22/08/2018 15:49

Yes. They were always close.

I dont expect him to carry the burden.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/08/2018 15:54

I disagree with most of the comments here. Yes, teenagers can be selfish, but this isn't behaviour which should be encouraged! 16, imo, is plenty old enough to understand that a parent is unwell and to be considerate of that.
No one is asking him to take on the role of a carer or anything, just to be a bit kind.
I would have a quiet, gentle chat and tell dss that his dad loves and misses him and ask him to call every so often while away. Sometimes teens don't think about something until it's pointed out to them.

RayRayBidet · 22/08/2018 16:32

Do you think he really understands?
Does DH put a brave face on?
Has anyone actually had a frank discussion with him about what is going on?
His behaviour sounds like normal teen stuff, but to me sounds like he doesn't really get it.
Teenagers are capable of being caring and responsible but often lack the knowledge or understanding of the issues unless they are pointed out. It's because they haven't had the life experience.
Alternatively he may be scared and worried and not know what to do.
Some people panic when someone they love has MH issues.

Original poster

Loopy83 · 22/08/2018 16:53

Thank you Iwannaseehowitends and RayRayBidet for restoring my faith!
No I don't think he gets it. He's not very mature for a 16 year old so maybe I will sit him down and gently explain what's been happening without pointing any fingers or anything like that.

For those who say I shouldn't burden him, shouldn't we teach our teenagers that relationships are reciprocal and you have to put effort in from both sides? He's not a baby after all.

Also, please don't assume that because a man is a part time Dad he's no good. I'm a bit shocked at how quickly people jumped to assume my DH must be to blame!

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 22/08/2018 17:05

I don't think anyone assumed your DH was to blame, but apart from saying he had severe depression and could barely work you said very little about him. You are very close to the situation and only seem to be seeing this from the opinion that your DH is ill so your SS must make more of an effort with no consideration as to how it affects him.

ilovesooty · 22/08/2018 17:11

I'm sorry your husband is so ill. I imagine your stepson finds it difficult to know how to respond to what's going on. Perhaps if you have a chat with him to clarify the situation for him it would help and he can ask you any questions he might need to.

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