To think nursery will be bad for my child's behaviour

[RP235]

Hi,

My child is due to start preschool in September and is very well mannered and very innocent. He has been going to a childminder up until now and will continue to go as well as nursery. I'm worried that his behaviour may change once he starts nursery because of the influence of other children. He's not a laddish boy at all and I'm worried that he might become more boisterous and lose his sensitivity.
He's only just turned three and has his own funny little ways about things. I guess I just don't want any unwelcome behaviour that he might pick up off other children.

Socialising will affect his behavior yes, but you cannot control it forever. If not nursery then what effect do you think school will have?

Is he very meek, to the point of may he be bullied? does he socialise at all with children his age?

He will probably be influenced to some degree, as he may well be all through school. But the other children may also be quiet, sensitive and well-mannered!

In the nicest way, I think you’re being precious.

My son attends nursery and it’s been brilliant for him. I don’t like him in childcare all the time so I only have him in two days, and he’s made friends and learned so much. I think a balance of childcare, and time at home suits them.

Oh and my son has his own personality. He’s a quirky character and hasn’t become a clone of the others!

Of course it will. But it's your job to teach him what to copy and what to ignore. You can't shelter him forever.

Do you suggest keeping him away from boisterous, ‘laddish’ children his whole life?

Boisterous and sensitive aren't mutually exclusive, and being sensitive isn't limited to quiet, well mannered dc. And all dc his age are innocent.

Unless you intend sheltering him from all dc you deem to have undesirable qualities for the rest of his life, he's going to have to mix at some point.

I’m also a bit hurt you think boisterous children aren’t sensitive. My son is autistic and can be very boisterous. He is the kindest, funniest, happiest little boy I have met.

Don’t assume all energetic children are horrible. I’ve met some unpleasant quiet ones (the one who threw sand in my DSs face when she thought I couldn’t see springs to mind!)

Are you going to homeschool him?

What happens when he goes to school ?

If his nature is that he is not boisterous and sensitive then he will be exactly the same wherever he goes.
My ds was like this very much. Full time nursery since age 2 and now he's going into year one. He's no different.
It's what you do with him at home that lays the foundations for how much he is affected by other children.
If he has this nature you will probably find he will love it but enjoy playing with the girls and that's fine

It absolutely will affect his behaviour and of course he will pick up naughty behaviours, guess what, he will even teach some of his own naughty behaviours to the other children

However, socialisation with a wide range of personalities is very important for children to be able to cope and develop their independence as they grow and have to step away from Mum and integrate with normal life. He needs the skills to navigate his way through life. Your job is to be consistent with your rules and expectations of his behaviour and keep him in check when he tests the boundaries. Which he will do. Naturally. Of his own volition. They all do.

However, pre school (or school for that matter) isn’t compulsory, you can keep him home til he’s 18 if you like.

You also seem to imply that he won't make friends with any girls who stereotype alert may not be laddish and may be well-mannered.

My son is 2.5 and at Nursery full time since he was a baby. He is very well mannered and quite sensitive too. All the children behave really well at his nursery and follow the daily routine. I’m not sure why you think it will be full of thugs?!

Just be very careful about the sort of nursery you choose. I work in a very organic one, rather than an academic one.

Nursery influences many aspects of their life. Some good others challenging but it's all about learning and you child learning what's right and wrong for themselves and at some point, they have to do something wrong to learn that.

No child is 100% perfect all the time forever.

DS hasn’t gotten any naughtier since starting nursery, he’s got lots better at sharing. He gives me long monologues of the sharing that goes on at nursery like....’I no share the yellow car, the girl play with it the I have a go.’

He does run around shouting ‘Batman!’ and ‘I’m a superhero!’ which he must have got from the older boys.

And also ‘girls no like scooting. Girls like nurses’ which I was a bit sad about as he is not quite 2 1/2 yet.

Today 11:48 Thehogfather

‘Boisterous and sensitive aren't mutually exclusive, and being sensitive isn't limited to quiet, well mannered dc. And all dc his age are innocent.’

^this^

One of my dd’s was quite boisterous, very social and really enjoyed quite physical play. But that didn’t mean she was insensitive.

And conversely I remember one little girl at toddler group who was very quiet, never interacted a lot with other children but wasn’t averse to giving a prod or pulling a mean face at other children.

On a broader note, of course your child will be influenced by their peers - it’s part of life. Unless you raise him in complete physical isolation and with no communication with anyone outside the family, he’s bound to have a range of influences- good, bad and indifferent. Our role as parents is to guide our children so that they learn to stand up for themselves and build resilience in the world while being kind and respectful to others. That’s how children learn, by exploring the world and being guided to make good choices.

DD1 has been attending pre school for 2 years and I honestly can’t think of any ‘naughty’ behaviours she’s picked up from there. She has gained confidence, learned how to play nicely with her friends, to consider their happiness as well as her own...
Of course at 4.5 she occasionally displays ‘challenging’ behaviour (she’s got the attitude of a teenager sometimes) but wouldn’t that have happened anyway?

Have you watched any of “The Secret Lives of 4 Year Olds”series?
I highly recommend it. Children learn so much from play with other children, it is extraordinary, they are wired for it. That will involve experiencing the highs and lows of being the best/ not being the best at things, making friends, being temporarily excluded, learning how his behaviours determine how people behave towards him and how it makes other children feel. He will try things he sees his peers do that he might not have the courage to at home or at the childminders.
He will go through phases of exploring boundaries wherever he is, so be careful not to lay it all at the nursery door when it happens, but he will always come home to you and your love and values, and he is supervised by trained and experienced staff at his nursery.
There is so much exciting stuff to do at nursery!
If you are happy with the nursery you have visited, see this as a positive next step to raising your son.
I also watched “The Tribe”, last year, which followed a rural Ethiopian family living in a tribal community in mud huts without modern amenities. Obviously there was no nursery, but it was interesting to see how very tiny children spent a lot of time playing amongst themselves, with an adult(s) around, but not directing. They’d seek an adult every so often to suckle, play, be fed or when upset, but they were getting so much physical, social and cognitive stimulation from play with only the most rudimentary objects and each other.
Also be careful about deciding your child is x [sensitive - but it could be fearless/ clever whatever]. At 3 he could develop in all sorts of unexpected ways and you don’t want to see that as him going against his true nature which is not fixed.
DD1 was quite quiet, serious and although she had friends, not super extrovert at primary. At around 16 she became a social butterfly and remains super-social, extroverted, a bit of a party animal but also academically and professionally very successful (phew!). I think I probably did the reverse journey to a degree and I am more introverted as an adult than I was as a child.

It’s scary but he needs to learn to socialise with other kids to set him up for his life. He will still be him.

Why are you assuming the nursery will be full of badly behaved children?

Socialisation is brilliant for kids and if there is bad behaviour a good nursery deals with it well and children learn very quickly what is acceptable and what isn't .

Also, kids personalities will always shine through. My boy is a boisterous ' laddish' boy but he's also sensitive and polite. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Does he not socialise with other children at the moment?

What does he do with his childminder? Surely he/she doesn't keep him in the house all day? Does the childminder only look after him or are there other children around? He must be doing some socialising already surely?

So you’ll be keeping him at home forever then?

My DS is an incredibly boisterous over the top child but is also very sensitive to other children's feelings and is pretty well mannered when he's not bouncing off the walls.
I think you are being a bit precious as socialising at nursery is the best thing for my little one and I like that he'll be exposed to lots of different people before he gets to school age. Far better to learn the dynamics of socialisation at nursery than being thrown in at shool!
And as others have said, his basic personality won't change anyway.