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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want this job?

21 replies

Tinklewinkle · 22/08/2018 11:05

DH and I run our own business. I do the finance/accounts side of it.

I absolutely hate it. It’s boring, I’m bored and I’ve totally had enough. Our business isn’t something I’m particularly interested in either.

We set it up together and both mucked in with everything. I enjoyed the challenges in the early days, but as we’ve got bigger I’ve ended up with the finance stuff which I’ve never wanted to do or been interested in, and moved away from the stuff that I did enjoy

I don’t think working together is doing our marriage any favours either. All we ever talk about is work. We see each other all day at work and then at home and we’re just getting a bit niggly and stressy with each other - he’s not great at leaving work at work

I’ve been offered an amazing job. More of a creative role and much more ‘me’ plus they’ll match my current earnings.

I really want to take it.

I honestly think I’ll go mad if I see the words profit and loss again

DH is majorly miffed - we’ve worked hard to build up our business and now he feels I’m jumping ship. It was supposed to be a family business, that we could pass on to our children

I’ve tried explaining how I feel but he’s quite hurt that I want to leave and not really hearing what I’m saying

I’ll make sure I recruit and train a replacement before I go and I’ll always be around if I’m needed, so I’m not going to dump everything in his lap.

I’m just bored and want to do something different, but at the same time feel a bit conflicted about it.

OP posts:

FASH84 · 22/08/2018 11:09

YANBU it sounds like it will do you both good , you've been there for the hard graft and setting up, you're willing to train a replacement, note it's time to do something for you. It will make your relationship healthier too as it'll be less work focussed

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 22/08/2018 11:33

Thanks!

Yes, definitely agree that it will help our marriage. We argue about work a lot

I come home and just want to get dinner/feed kids/whatever whereas he wants to talk about work and I’m just not interested in it so we get shitty with each other.

He’s taken it really personally though

OP posts:

butterflysugarbaby · 22/08/2018 11:36

Your choice of course. But how would you feel if your husband just jumped ship on your little business that you have worked hard for? And left you with it all?

I'm not surprised he is taking it 'personally!'

I bet if he carried on (and got someone else in to help,) and the business became massively successful, you would be quite happy to revel in it, and spend the money made from it.

Freshstart19 · 22/08/2018 11:39

He may be taking it personal, but it sound like he has lumbered her with the crap he doesn't want to do.
If he wants things to he different he could switch roles and see if he would enjoy it!
If he isn't willing to compromise, he can't stand in her way of happiness either.

TanteRose · 22/08/2018 11:42

Take the job - your DH will cope

loveisland · 22/08/2018 11:42

Different perspective... you train your replacement.... he comes home but can't switch off and always speaking to the "secretary" because she's passionate about the business ? Will this bother you?

Thehop · 22/08/2018 11:47

My parents worked together as self employed people and it worked brilliantly for all of my childhood. However, they became close to the point of exclusion and had nothing but work and each other. When my dad died 3 years ago (a few years after the business dying off....Chinese imports killed it) she literally had nothing. Had to start all over again with no friends, and no way of getting a good mortgage because they prefer lending to people with normal payslips.

It’s such a good thing for you and your relationship to have something that’s yours. It makes you independent in the best ways. You have something to keep you interesting to each other, happy to see each other at the end of a day, borrowing is easier, pensions are easier, and.....if you split, things are simpler.

I understand his panic, try to reassure him that you’re just trying to do something you love and give yourself chance to miss him again.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 22/08/2018 11:59

Thanks!

It does make me uncomfortable that all our eggs are in one basket - business is going great, but you never know what may happen.

He has the email ap on his phone, and the banking ap - the first thing he does when he gets up is check the bank and then tell me that so and so hasn’t paid yet, he’ll check the email and want to discuss them at 10pm. I just don’t think it’s healthy. Work belongs at work. I want to talk to my husband, not my colleague

he comes home but can't switch off and always speaking to the "secretary"

I’m not his secretary

OP posts:

loveisland · 22/08/2018 12:21

Are you not ? What would you call your role then? Finances and paperwork for a family business sound a lot like "secretary" duties to me!

EvaHarknessRose · 22/08/2018 12:43

It sounds like a good move - just be aware that he is still likely to have those conversations all the time with you.

wantmorenow · 22/08/2018 13:03

LOL I'm about to return to running my own bookkeeping business because I love profit and loss talk! Either take the new job or swap roles to some extent. You sound bored. if you're in south wales I'll do your role

HolyMountain · 22/08/2018 13:08

It does make me uncomfortable that all our eggs are in one basket - business is going great, but you never know what may happen

This is absolutely true.

We had a business that got hit by the recession , I worked as DH's clerical assistant and I went first , I had to find another job.

blueskiesandforests · 22/08/2018 13:12

loveisland accounts department by the sound of it, not secretary. Who'd want to be their husband's secretary, that'd destroy any relationship not rooted in 1950...

curlyrebel · 22/08/2018 13:27

If you've moved away from the roles you really enjoyed, is it possible you could go back to doing them again? Have you explained to him that the finance stuff is not for you and you want to be more creative? Perhaps then you could compromise and stay working there but do something completely different? Would that make it better for you?
If not, I would definitely not stay put doing something I hated. Life is too short. Hopefully you can make him see things from your perspective. Best of luck!

CrazyDaisy2018 · 22/08/2018 14:50

Firstly, I think it's amazing that you have a business that is doing so well that the finance side takes up so much time and you can afford to pay for a proper replacement for you. This is not all that common, so well done to you and your DH!

Butterflysugarbaby - I suspect her DH won't just leave for something else because he's actually doing the bit that he enjoys while leaving his DW with the bits that he either hasn't got time for or doesn't want to do himself. It's very, very different.

YANBU OP - I'd dare say after a period of adjustment your relationship will be much better as a result. I would, however, put a time limit on work conversations whether you change jobs or not. i.e. no work talk before 8am or after 8pm. Home is home. It's supposed to be a sanctuary away from "real life", not an extension of the office.

It sounds like your DH could do with some down time away from it too to be honest.

blueshoes · 22/08/2018 15:05

I totally agree with not putting all your eggs into one basket and having you go off and diversifying risk in a role you actually enjoy.

I don't think bookkeeping is a particularly difficult skill to hire for and you can easily show the new person the ropes.

It also builds resilience into your dh's business because if the new person were to quit or be unavailable for whatever reason, there is you as backup who can paper things over. Whereas previously, if it was only you, then there would be a lot of disruption if you weren't available. This person can also cover when you and dh go on family holidays.

EBearhug · 22/08/2018 15:35

I agree with all this - not having all your eggs in one basket, doing something you're interested in. Plus you'd still be there as backup. But whether or not you're actively in the business, he will still tall about it, and you definitely need those boundaries - I like the 8am-8pm thing. And more at weekends. You both need some life outside of work.

There could be a lot of benefits for the business, and he needs to see that side of it, too.

SuperSuperSuper · 22/08/2018 15:39

The "eggs in one basket" argument alone would swing it for me.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 22/08/2018 16:31

Thanks all!

I’ll try talking to him again tonight - I think he’s taking it that I’ve announced I want a divorce rather than I’d like a different job and he’s not ready to listen to me yet

He enjoys his job so I doubt he’d want to leave. If he did, we’d have to work it out - sell the business maybe, employ a manager, there are options, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Unfortunately I can’t go back to the more interesting stuff, we don’t do stuff by hand anymore. As we’ve grown, we’ve been able to invest in equipment that does that kind of stuff.

There’s some good point above especially about when we’re both off. We go on holiday on Friday and this week has been a nightmare, then when we come back it will be a nightmare again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 22/08/2018 16:33

And yes, DH definitely needs some down time. We’re go on holiday on Friday and work talk is banned for a week!

OP posts:

Guardsman18 · 22/08/2018 16:41

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but could you change roles in the business?

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