Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not put this boy on team

15 replies

peanutbuttercup · 22/08/2018 10:37

I’ll try to keep this short but also not drip feed. DS is 14 and has been playing basketball for two years. Last year when he was at intermediate school he was on a really good team whose coach is a family friend. Coaches son is a very good player, DS is slightly better than average (at best but is dedicated and working really hard). This year he’s at college and has just finished season as best player on a pretty rubbish team who lost most of their games. Last year DS was at a really small school with only six boys his age. He and one other boy at small school were in the good basketball team together. Another boy at school (the one I don’t want on team) was golden child at school and really good at sports but played rugby so no major conflict. However, this year he’s playing basketball and rugby and has gotten really competitive about the basketball with my DS. The other boy from our old school is a better player than DS but was always encouraging and kind whereas this boy try’s to prove he’s better than DS any chance he gets and DS doesn’t like to play with him even casually.

Anyway I’m friends with this boys Mum and she’s always asking me what else is available in the off season etc. I let her DS sub for our rubbish team twice and DS heard from two people afterwards that he said he was the better than everyone on the team and he blocked DS 10 times (actually not true they’re pretty even).

So to the point,old coach wants to get old team back together for a social league and this boy is desperate to be in the team and his mother is asking me to ask the coach and getting shitty when I said it’s the old team only. Thing is coach would probably let him join if I asked but I don’t want to. DS spent years in this boys sporting shadow and basketball is his thing. Am I bring petty?

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 22/08/2018 10:40

No you aren't, but I thought part of coaching was about teaching team spirit - has anyone tackled him about his attitude?

Usernumbers1234 · 22/08/2018 10:41

Massively petty. Unless the boy is being unkind to your son when you’d be within your rights to say something. If he’s just competitive and you don’t want another player to be better than yours then YABU

If he’s not being a great teammate and you are friendly with the coach, then feed that back to him, but you can’t demand someone isn’t in a team imo

peanutbuttercup · 22/08/2018 10:48

I see your point but I’m not demanding he not be on the team as the coach doesn’t even know him. I’m just not offering him a place because he’s not a friend to my DS, my DS doesn’t want him on the team and it’s a social team and supposed to be fun as well as improving. I don’t mind someone being better than my DS as most of them are TBH but the rest of them are encouraging and kind.

OP posts:
IStillDrinkCava · 22/08/2018 11:00

It seems a ridiculous amount of parental involvement on both sides, over whether one 14 year old plays in one game. The sheer amount of detail in your OP feels out of proportion to the size of the problem, but then I'm just as bad for reading and replying!

Not your circus, not your monkeys IMO. Just decline to be involved.

peanutbuttercup · 22/08/2018 11:16

I hear that too I do feel I’m over invested and she is too I just know she’s going to keep asking me to talk to the coach and wrangle him a spot on the team. I would love to not be involved.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 22/08/2018 11:30

I would love to not be involved.

Then can't you just tell her she needs to speak to the coach herself?

Pengggwn · 22/08/2018 11:34

I don't think you need to do anyone a favour if they aren't a friend or someone who has done similar for you in the past, but I think you need to help your DS get past this idea that he is "in the shadow" of anyone who happens to be better than him. It's a social thing, as you say, so does it really matter? If the other lad will make the team better, let them have at it.

BigBlueBubble · 22/08/2018 11:40

It’s selfish to prevent a child joining a team just because your DS doesn’t get on with him. Not that I wouldn’t do it! In your shoes I’d put my own kid first and make sure the other kid couldn’t join the team, and make peace with my own selfishness by telling myself it was for my son’s benefit.

TooTrueToBeGood · 22/08/2018 13:00

....and make peace with my own selfishness by telling myself it was for my son’s benefit.

It's not really for his benefit in the long term though. Mummy isn't going to be able to use her influence to help him with similar scenarios in other aspects of his life, especially as he gets older and moves into the real world. Surely it's better to help him develop emotionally and learn not to let this sort of situation impact him. Besides, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I expect the OP would be livid if someone blocked her son from doing something to keep their own child happy.

LadyOdd · 22/08/2018 13:18

The Op isn’t blocking anyone, the other boys mother or ffs he’s 14 could talk to the couch and ask to join. Seems the boy has been unkind and mean spirited towards her son so why should she do him a favor and although op says it’s likly the couch would listen to her and let the boy join that’s not a given.

If you don’t want to do it then don’t, tell her to contact the couch herself.

IStillDrinkCava · 22/08/2018 13:45

Can't you just laugh off any suggested that you Wield Undue Influence over the coach? Even you're married to them, it's a reasonable position that the coach is a fair person who'd treat a request from you the same as a request from the other mum. Why are you both so convinced they wouldn't?

pemajed · 22/08/2018 14:26

You sound quite petty because your average at best child might be pushed down the order of ability.

CheshireChat · 22/08/2018 14:32

Meh, if they want to want to join they can speak to the coach directly, I'd just ignore any hints asking for me to get involved.

If he does join, I'd have a quiet word with the coach that he's overly competitive and needs reigning back a bit.

BigBlueBubble · 22/08/2018 18:11

It's not really for his benefit in the long term though. Mummy isn't going to be able to use her influence to help him with similar scenarios in other aspects of his life
Yes but you might as well help your child as much as you can, even if you can’t help them with everything. And yes OP probably would be livid if someone else blocked her child from doing what he wants, but you have to look after #1.

TroubledLichen · 22/08/2018 18:18

Gosh this all sounds very petty and exhausting. The boys are 14, time to take a step back. Just tell the other Mum that whilst Coach might be a family friend you have no influence over the running of the team so here’s their number as she should contact Coach herself to see if her DS can join.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page