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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hope for domestic violence

26 replies

Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 09:38

I'm posting here because I want traffic. I want the women like me last year to read this.

I was almost turning 40 and had been in a abusive relationship for over 10 years. 3 kids later I thought my life was pre determined to be unhappy and never escape. That was until I found out about the affairs. This gave me the final push to kick him out.

I saw myself get stronger and stronger. From the weeping mess calling the Samaritans from kitchen floor I started to rise. The three stone of stress eating weight (gained during my abusive relationship) started to fall off. I gained confidence. In a moment of madness I got some filler and my hair done. I smiled more and got my old clothes down from the loft that were smaller. I started to find the girl that had been lost.

No one was critically commenting on me and it was such freedom. No more bruises to cover up and hurtful words to swallow down.

Then I noticed I started getting asked out by some pretty nice guys. Now I'm not ready for that yet but I wanted to get this message out. You don't have to stay in an abusive relationship because you think your life is over. This 40 year old mum of 3 is having the time of her life and has never looked happier.

Don't stay as long as I did. There is a beautiful life out there you just have to grab it x

OP posts:
mydogmymate · 22/08/2018 10:16

I'm so glad your life is getting better. I went through dv too and it destroyed me, I'm still suffering now.
Thanks to yours and your children's future. I hope it's all still on the up.

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 11:42

Mydogmymate im sending flowers back Flowers

You are worthy of an amazing life and there is happiness out there I promise. Take help from the drs (I took meds to help) embrace all of the support that is out there. Take it one day at a time. Take 5 min to look at the clouds and realise another a monster tried to control you and take your spirit it's still in there. You just have to find it again. Big love to you x

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Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 11:53

Anyone who wants to that is struggling please feel free to pm me I know how hard it is to talk about. I will help you In anyway I can x

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nogrip · 22/08/2018 12:27

Lovely to read and so true

Hairyhat · 22/08/2018 13:37

Nice post

imnotreally · 22/08/2018 13:43

I'm glad you've found peace. Personally I'm still struggling and can't see me ever trusting anyone ever again. I'm 7 years out.

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 15:47

I don't know if I will ever have another relationship but I am starting to feel I will have a life again x

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Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 15:49

I was so reliant on my ex for everything he was my everything. I didn't know how I could breathe without him. But I am

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Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 15:50

The abuse was bad. I am still a bit in denial about that though but am having counselling

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WellThisIsShit · 22/08/2018 15:52

Yay! Three cheers for you Smile
I’m so glad Flowers

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 15:52

Imnotreally would you say it's better than when you were in the relationship though? Or equally as bad now you are out?

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Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 15:55

I wish I could hold all of your hands and help you realise how worthwhile you are. What those partners did to us was terrible we didn't deserve it x

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imnotreally · 22/08/2018 15:57

@Flutterby78 it's definitely much better out. Still have to deal with him a bit and he still tries to control but I'm getting better at distancing. Accepting of who he is but recognising I don't have to dance to his tune. I still have nightmares tho. Tho they are improving too.

lola212121 · 22/08/2018 15:59

I had 2 relationships that were fueled with anger , however I'm still to this day not sure the anger from them was pre-meditated as abuse is supposed to be but anyway I have been single 4 years and love it ! However , my family were much crueler to me so it really didn't bother me . The ending points of the relationships were very traumatic . I was left fighting for my life after never being hit previously in one relationship and the other one ended badly too . It took really dramatic things for my unhealthy relationships to end . I have never felt love from my partners or most of my family . I have lived a cold life . I have seperated myself from everyone socially as I'm happier that way . I don't go ok social media , no friends and no family only my children . I wouldn't wish my past on anyone , it has ruined my life and I'm now just here surviving .

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 16:27

Imnotreally I have the same thing and get a bit panicky with flashbacks sometimes

Lola I am so sorry darling. Could you get on a local "freedom" programme? Could make friends with women that have been through the same thing and get support? I am also doing it all on my own so I understand

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Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 16:28

I too struggle to see it as abuse I refer to it as mistakes....although these mistakes left me in hospital

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imnotreally · 22/08/2018 16:32

I tried to get counselling as I think I've got ptsd and all they offered was an appointment where she went through my entire life (why?! I went because of the flashbacks and nightmares) and then offered me group support. I've done the freedom programme. I don't need group support. I need proper therapy. Thanks nhs for letting me down yet again.

imnotreally · 22/08/2018 16:32

Ok that came out more bitter than I intended. Let's say I've not had good experiences when it comes to counselling. Resigned to having to manage it all myself while popping Prozac like it's going out of fashion.

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 16:34

Imnotreally I wanted the same thing. I called talking therapies and told them I only wanted one on one counselling as I couldn't speak in a group. That is what I have been offered I hope this route works for you. We need to do more than survive we need to live again Flowers

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Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 16:37

I needed one on one because I also have ptsd and feel numb about the violence

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lola212121 · 22/08/2018 16:41

@Flutterby78 I have done freedom programme twice .

lola212121 · 22/08/2018 16:42

And didn't make friends . Maybe I should try again

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 22/08/2018 16:52

Please try again Lola they don't get to take out whole lives from us we can get them back. Try calling women's aid too and see if they can recommend and options for counselling

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Julee69 · 25/01/2022 19:07

i went through DV for 7 yrs im still getting flashbacks and still scared sometimes

IsMaeOnTheAsmae · 25/01/2022 19:54

I'm glad you've found peace. Personally I'm still struggling and can't see me ever trusting anyone ever again. I'm 7 years out

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. I'm 5 years out and I'm still not over the things he said. The physical side doesnt bother me too much, It was frightening at the time, but I'm over the physical pain

But the emotional and mental abuse? 5 years on and its still here

Somtimes I wonder, why did I even bother leaving? I basically brought him with me when i left