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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

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25 replies

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 08:49

Hi all. I know I am being unreasonable, I just need help to get over this!

Back story; I have 2 friends, one I have known 15 years (A) and one I have known 10 years (B). Those 2 also became friends, and saw each other without me. I never had a problem with that. Honestly. All my family are friends with A, none in my family like B.

B can be very direct and unpleasant, and I get nervous around her, my DH notice, that is why he rather not spend time with her. My kids dont like her kids, so I try to keep them separate, and want to spend time with B away from family. She want to be a part of my family (she only has her parents) and I should have told her, but I cant, and she is annoyed, as she is angry (hurt) that I dont involve her in my family life more.

The last 3-4 years I have had problems with B, as she got more and more jealoux of my life, to the extend that she has said things like "you live my life", "about time you had some worryes" "I have more in common with your DH, we would have had a great life", and complained that I was out of reach in the evenings. (I am married, she is single) She want to be a lot closer, timewise, than I do; we are both SAHM, and she prefer telephone contact everyday, for hours. If I am busy, she sulks, and "put me on ice". I have talked a bit with A about it, she advised med to stand up for myself and tell B off, but she can ben very aggresive and I havent had the guts to do so.

Anyway, it all ended last week, as she again had a go at me. She was going to pick something up from my house, and I invited her and her kids for dinner that day, and she called me up to complain I didnt had ALL sunday with her. (she lives 40 min away)

I chickened out, wrote her a letter, put all the blame on myself, but basically said that I could never be the friend she wanted, so we better end here. She didnt take that well.

I have no regrets in this, suddenly I have a lot of time to myself, which is very positive for me.

And now the AIBU. Now I HATE that A and B are friends; I know I am petty, but how can I get rid of that feeling?

A never had any problems with B, so I do understand she want to keep her as her friend; I just hate it. So now I am in Bs shoes; jealoux. I havent said anything to A about it, and I would not dream to do, I just want that feeling to go away.

How to do? Thank you for reading. We are all grown ups, I know it is hard to believe, I feel like I am 12 again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 09:25

I really feel like ending relationship with A too, as this is eating me away. I do hope someone here can kick some sense into me!

OP posts:

Thehop · 22/08/2018 09:28

Don’t do anything rash, I’m sure time will help. Maybe get a hobby or interest fo fill some time? Go out, be happy, narcissists hate that!

Have a google of “grey rock” for people like her in future

SpandexTutu · 22/08/2018 09:28

You know you are being unreasonable.
You can't expect A to drop B just because you have.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2018 09:32

Give it time. You did the right thing and it was hard (drop her). Don’t drop A. Just wait. Wait out the intense reactions you’re having - they will pass.

The feelings probably stem from repressed anger at her - you didn’t have your anger, even when dropping her you blamed yourself. So you still feel enraged, deep down.

Give it time.

Original poster

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 09:56

You are right Atrocious, I didnt know that. But yes; I am pissed at her!! Finally :-) I used to be scared of her reactions, now I am pissed off.

I will give it time. Thank you.

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 22/08/2018 10:06

Well done for ditching this monster.

agree with pp, time is needed here. it's still very raw and you may be in shock a bit, or annoyed you didn't do this sooner. once the dust has settled, things will be easier.

I'm sure a will not mention b to you at all, but if she does, politely say you are not interested and don't want to hear anything about her.

if you're on social media then block b so you don't see anything from them on a's posts.

DULLDull · 22/08/2018 10:10

I think it's just your feelings still running high. Give it another week or so when the feelings have subdued and you'll probably look at it differently. There is no reason A should involve herself and when you're feeling more rationale you'll probably think so too.

DULLDull · 22/08/2018 10:11

And well done for ditching B. She sounds a right nightmare.

GreenTulips · 22/08/2018 10:15

If B was as you say pushy and annoying then there is no reason to believe she won't be the same with A.
A will inevitably get annoyed and feel overwhelmed by B and probably end the friendship.

Keep friendly with A but don't mention B.

I don't think you have anything to be jealous of

Sparklesocks · 22/08/2018 10:17

You did the right thing for yourself. Well done for identifying that you didn’t enjoy this friendship with B and it caused more stress than joy, a lot of people struggle to cut those friends loose because they feel loyal to their shared history.

I think you just need to view it as it is – A’s friendship with B is separate and unrelated to you. If you still have a good friendship with A and enjoy her company then you can carry on as you always have. Think of it this way, would you want B to also ruin your friendship with A? You’d essentially still be letting her rule the roost even after you’ve parted ways, and you don’t want her having such influence.

It will also get easier with time. Does A know about this? If not, or if she’s only heard B’s side, I would suggest maybe just casually bringing it up so she knows where you stand: ‘B and I are no longer in each other’s lives. I’m fine with this but I know you two are friends so I just wanted to let you know.’

Original poster

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 10:35

Thank you so much for all your kind replies. Really, I am so pleased to read all your support.

I think, what upsets me, is that B has been really mean to me; really hurt me, insulted me and even said she think she would be a better partner for my husband! - and A knows it all. I think it is sort of "Emotional abuse" (not that I am an expert) But if someone assulted me would she just say "well they didnt hit me" and carry on??

I know we are not kids, but if someone raped my friend I would not say "well they didnt rape me". B has been so mean to me. And A just carry on, like it does not matter to her. I think that is my problem too, even though I know a lot of it comes from anger towards B, it is also that it seems as A really dont care, as she like her. Does that makes sense?

Thank you again, I really appreciate your reply.

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 22/08/2018 10:39

It makes sense that you're angry, but it won't do you any good to get drawn into 'whatabout-ery'.

I suggest you cool things with a, at least for a while.

Cardiganandcuppa · 22/08/2018 10:43

I totally understand how you are feeling.

I would make a decision not to act on anything for a month. Just let yourself feel what you feel in private, don’t say anything in public, and keep busy. Give yourself some time to process it and see how you feel in a few weeks.

TheDropBear · 22/08/2018 10:51

I can't believe you just compared your situation to being raped.
That's so offensive

Sparklesocks · 22/08/2018 11:00

I understand your frustration, but don't think you can expect A to ditch B out of loyalty to you. Even if B has treated you poorly in the past, and I'm not condoning her behaviour, their friendship is still a separate entity and if we ask mutual friends to pick sides then everyone would constantly fall out with everyone else. It seems like you're projecting your anger towards B onto A, because B is no longer around to have it out with.

Think of A as well, it's really hard being stuck in the middle and she most likely wants to stay out of it as much as possible.

Original poster

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 11:03

Sorry DropBear; I didnt mean to offend anyone. I was just trying to explain my feelings of hurt towards my friend, as she does not care how I was treated. I really did not mean to say it is the same as rape; only that in those situations you ofcorse take side. Why not if it is "only" emotional?
But you have my sincere apology.

OP posts:

slashlover · 22/08/2018 11:28

If B had come to you and said A was nasty and emotionally abused her, would you have dumped A?

bluebird3 · 22/08/2018 11:44

OP, I have had a similar situation with friendships. I was treated badly by 2 mutual friends who also treated our other friend badly. I fell out with them but the other did not. I still feel that by her not standing up for herself it made me look the unreasonable one and now the 3 of them still get together. It's been two years and while I am still good friends with the one, I can't say it hasn't effected our friendship and doesn't still bother me sometimes. However, I still like her and feel that if I stopped being friends with her he other 2 would 'win'. Childish, I know. We don't speak of the others and now it's not as much an elephant in the room when we get together. You can drop A or keep A but both choices have their pros and cons. I wouldn't make any rash decisions right now while emotions are running high.

Original poster

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 11:48

I honestly think so, Slashlover. I think the world is populated with people thinking "well it has nothing to do with me". I think you actively have to take a stand, sometimes. I have only been there once, and it was my 2 cousins who had a big fall out over inheritance; it is 15 years ago. I havent seen her since, and I think she was utterly taking the piss and I have no regrets about it.
If someone is really mean to my friend; I dont like that person anymore. Ofcourse. And it hurts that my friend dont see it that way. You may think it is childish, and I will give it some time, but I honestly dont think I can disregard my friends indifference.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladybug100 · 22/08/2018 11:51

Bluebird, thank you. I will give it time. In february she is actually going with us abroad on holiday and I cant face that, right now.
Somehow my feelings towards her has changed. I hope time will heal it, also as you say; otherwise B will "win". But I am hurt.

OP posts:

Lookingforadvice123 · 22/08/2018 11:54

Please don't compare it to rape

Yes you've done the right thing ditching B, but A has no obligation to do the same. She's free to make up her own mind about the situation; maybe she agrees and thinks B was mean to you, maybe she thinks you're too sensitive/overreacted, who knows. But it has nothing to do with you now. Keep your friendship with A, and just don't bring B up when you hang out.

JustTheLemons · 22/08/2018 11:57

People don’t like conflict OP. A may well think badly of B for her treatment of you, but it’s easier for her to just roll along and be polite than make a stand.

I had a similar situation. Managed to agree with my own version of B that we would be friendly but not friends and removed myself from the situation. I then asked A not to bring her up as it was too hurtful to hear.

A continued to do so- almost absent mindedly, and I had to firmly ask her to stop. Eventually, B, having lost me as an outlet, started treating A badly, and she took the same steps I did, which was a nice easy solution for me- but I had already removed herself from my head enough that it wouldn’t have made a difference.

My point is- you have to get past it. You may well take a stand against her behaviour, and expect the same from your friend, but you can’t judge others by what you would do. Be polite and firm with A and ask her not to bring B up, and move on- that’s all you can do.

sonjadog · 22/08/2018 11:58

How would you feel if another friend of yours was being unpleasant to A and she announced that you could no longer be friends with her. You never having had any problem with her yourself. Would you really be okay with A controlling your friendships like that? I know I wouldn’t be.

slashlover · 22/08/2018 12:02

I just think that if two of my friends fall out then it's nothing to do with me. Unless it's something really, really terrible.

Did you ever tell B that her comments offended you or explain that she was coming on too strong? Maybe the first she realised was the letter?

I'd say to A that you don't want to discuss B, and you would appreciate it if she didn't discuss you with B.

raininthenightgarden · 22/08/2018 12:05

I am A in s similar situation- would agree with others to let these feelings pass. It can be hard knowing that my friend disapproves / dislikes my friendship with someone she has broken ties with and she makes lots of digs about it which I resent. Your friend A will have her own valid reasons for staying friends with B.

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