HELP PLEASE MIL CAUSES ANXIETY

[Tw1288]

Sorry for the long story but here it goes.. my partner and I had our first child last year during the beginning of the pregnancy my partners dad passed away. I was not allowed to go and see my partners dad when he was poorly as his mum didnt want me to because other family was there and she didnt want them knowning i was pregnant (I never got to even speak to him about his unborn granchild, which is still upsetting). My partner is an only child(Im not) she calls him untold times a day, even late a night. In the begin i thought it was obviously greif but after a while she started showing up at our home. Sometimes she would ring to come over and my partner wont say no even if it was pass 10pm (at this time i was close to my due date so obviously i didnt want to be entertaining at that time). After having my child his mum got worse inviting herself over, taking things apon herself within the house that i was more than capable of doing, still calling multiple times and taking my child off me constantly. I ended up getting depressed and bad anxiety when it came to anything to do with her. The whole time my partner said shes grieving and he cant change the way she is.. so basically i had to deal with it. (He had gone off the rails, drinking and drugs occasionally(which i didnt know) I ended up saying to her to basically give me space and to leave me alone. I know it sounds selfish after what she has gone through but i was at the point of having a mental break down and i wouldnt let my family intervene as much as they wanted to i didnt want any friction caused for my childs sake.
My depression has gone, my child is over 1 now and is a very cheeky character, my partner and I had a very bad moment but have come through it no more drugs and drinking is only when its lads night. We have planned to travel to visit his dads grave on his anniversary but his mum is now coming with us, travelling, staying the whole week, living with us, and we will have to drive her any where she wants to go. Obviously she has the right to be there but i feel like it will be to much for me and i really want to enjoy our time as a family it will be our first 'trip' away instead of doing everything his mum wants to do and her inviting herself onto everything we plan to do. My partner never sees it from my side in his eyes his mum is an old lonely vulnerable woman who cant manage to do anything. Which is far from the truth. She emotional manipulates him all the time so he does everything for her with the 'i cant do it but if your dad was here he would' She is only 62, still works, maintains a lovely home, goes out to meet friends for lunch or dinner, constantly has plans but everytime she calls(2 or more times a day) she says shes depressed and weak.
I find her very controlling and interfering
How am i going to cope a whole week? How do i make him realise and put his family first am i being unreasonable?

God, I’m so glad my husband understands the close relationship I have with my grieving dad and doesn’t grudge me the time I spend speaking to him and welcomes him over.

Don’t you think your h’s drink and drug problem may have been a major factor in your issues rather than MIL holding the baby?

If you didn’t want her to stay, why agree to it?

"Obviously she has the right to be there" - NO she does not. She has the right to visit her husband's grave yes. But she does not have the right to stay in your holiday space/encroach on your holiday - you or your husband have given her permission to do this.

She's had a tough year - but it sounds as though you have too. You need to decide whether this "holiday" is the right thing for you or whether you would be better staying at home with the little one and making the trip at some other point. If you think this trip is going to threaten your mental health again do be careful.

If you don't want mil to impose so much you need to set boundaries and if she crosses them you need to remove yourself each time so she knows she can't walk over you..

For example if she calls uninvited to your house and you don't want to let her in open the door a crack and say something like now is not a convenient time I do wish you had rang so I could have let you know not to come..and close the door...or just don't answer the door to her,

And get caller ID on house phone and don't answer the phone every time she calls, limit it to a certain amount a day,

If you do this with the dropping over unannounced and the calls she will soon start to realise imposing gets her nowhere

And on the trip to your fil grave yea she is coming with you, no you don't have to drive her EVERYWHERE she wants to go...if she wants to go to.town, drop her off in town and you and your partner and baby then go off and do your own plans...you need to work as a team on this so that you can hold her to an acceptable length back so she isn't interfering to the point of harming your relationship..if during the trip she has a night in, leave her with the baby, you and dear partner go out, even if it's to pub or cinema, or just a walk around the park with a bag of fish and chips...that way you get your own time together too which is very important

but his mum is now coming with us

How did this come about? Did she just tell you she was coming? Did you and your partner discuss it between you?

It sounds to me, although obviously I may be wrong, that you need some stronger boundaries. For example, that mil doesn't come over unannounced, or that she doesn't come over after 9pm. Whatever. You need to discuss this with your partner and then he needs to tell his mum.

But in the here and now, if you really think that having his mum there for the whole week will cause you mental distress then you need to discuss it with your partner, but tbh, it's a trip to visit her husband's grave so I personally would suck it up and then work on boundaries after the trip.

Op do you have to go on this trip?

Can you back out tell your partner its best they go alone and plan another trip as a surprise.

Even just two nights away, one night away?

You need to be clear that being widowed and grieving doesn't mean she can come into your home and traipse over your boundaries and because of this your finding it hard to support her which you want to do.

Very slowly, do as others say, stop answering the phone, start to be out. Maybe even call round to her instead so that you can leave when you want too.

Losing a life partner is horrific. Loosing a dad is horrific but there is no reason on this earth why your mental health has to suffer why you have to be dragged into this as collateral damage.

But I do feel backing out of the trip is the big first step on this route.

I had promised to go this year, because last year i couldnt due to all the issues. When we spoke i assumed we would travel and meet her there, not traveling with her and her staying in our rental. I understand she is still grieving and it will be a hard time as it will be his 2yr anniversary. She has no conception on personal space and ive tried to put boundaries i sent a very fair letter to her which i got advice from my nan and mum to help compose because i didnt want to affend her after she recieved it, i told my partner he then called her and apologised!

I would stay home and spend some time just you and the baby.

You promised to go. It sounds like your partner really wants you there?

But he also wants his mum there?
Normally on a normal holiday where a 3rd person had been thrust on you, you would say no. But you can't because it's visiting a grave.

You can't stop her going this time. She doesn't respect your boundaries and he won't stick up for you.

Will you have a nice time? With the way you feel surely a whole week in this pincer grip will make you feel worse and even more angry?

Just say to your partner that on this occasion and with his mum joining you both for the whole trip you feel its best they go alone together and have some special son and mum time, at that difficult time.

You get a nice week Mil free at home.

Have a smaller (assuming you need to due to ££) break just the two of you. He doesn't need you there if Mil is going.

I could have written this! I had my MIL every single school holiday, every Christmas and New Year. Just don't go! Stay home.

I’m honestly a bit saddened for your MIL. Grief for her husband must be absolutely awful, I cannot imagine why she shouldn’t travel to his grave with her only son, daughter in law and grandchild. It is only one week - why not just go on your own holiday as a 3 another time without MIL? The excessive calling and dropping round is very sad, I would be heartbroken if I lost my husband now never mind in my sixties. I imagine she’s lonely and very lost. Try to be compassionate towards her and form more of a bond? I would be mortified about the letter.

Sailing I think that's unfair.
Op has a new born, dealing with her partners grief and drink and drug issues and on top of all of that she has had her Mil over constantly, phoning, going round and it's given her depression. It's alot for one person to take.

Her own mental health is also important!!

Can you make it so you split the week? A long weekend with mil visiting the grave, then the rest of the time just you, dp and the baby?

Or could you manage a separate weekend where dp and his mum visit the grave and you keep the original week just the 3 of you?

If it's making you so anxious, can you not go & sell it as they deserve some mother/son time ? I would only answer the phone once a day tbh, as calling 3times a day isn't on.

As she's grieving maybe scheduling regular time with her, say a weekly dinner, so she still feels supported and not cut off might help? The turning up, ask her to text first & if you want your space, just say you have stuff to do (no detail) & be firm. If she won't text say sorry you should have texted, I'm off out & don't let her in.