To go back to work?

[NC377]

NC for this.

My baby is 4 months old. We're in our mid 20s and she was unplanned (I was religiously taking the pill, still have no idea!)

I'd started a new job a couple of weeks before I found out that I was pregnant. I stupidly told my new boss the truth straight away and I few days later, I'd "failed" probation and was sacked. I was gutted.

I applied for 20 jobs a day when I was pregnant. I was using my savings and was desperate to work. Nothing. Maybe it was because I was showing quite quickly? I tried so so hard. The worst moment of my life was me waiting in the line at the Job Centre. I'd worked 55 hrs a week for 5 years before to build my career, to have it taken away from me.

We luckily moved in with my in laws who have been fantastic and are in love with the baby.

My OH is starting training in September, for a career that will be very stable and flexible with childcare etc. So in 2 years, we'll be a lot better off than we are now.

I'm wanting to go to work full time at the end of the year, when DD will be 8 months-ish. We need the money. My in laws are great but I can't expect to live with them forever. We need our own space, DD needs her own bedroom etc. We've made a child and we need to support her ourselves.

I'm now being told that going back to work will be selfish as I'll 'miss out' and she'll be missing out on her Mum. It makes me feel so awful, but we really need the money.

AIBU to think that I need to work FT? I don't understand why I'm being told that I'm being selfish for wanting to provide a decent lifestyle for my child. I don't think I'm being a martyr for not working and having no money.

Please be easy on me. I'm just trying to do my best for my child.

You are not being selfish in the least. You know you need money and are prepared to go and work for it.

It's all very well people saying 'oh baby will miss out' but bills don't pay themselves.

FWIW I worked full time from when my son was around 8 months. He loved nursery, has lots of friends and is all ready to start school in 2 weeks time. It hasn't affected our relationship at all.

Good luck

If you want and need to go back to work FT then just do it - presumably no-one is suggesting that your DP gives up his course to look after the baby. Lots of people work FT with young children, and their DCs benefit from high quality childcare. It's your choice. Who are these people telling you not to?

I went back to work full time after 6 months (the typical maternity leave at the time).
Not selfish/cruel at all. Just practical both from a financial point of view and for my mental health as the baby stage wasn't my forte.
As long as you find childcare/nursery that they use happy with I don't see any problem.

Of course YANBU. I say that as someone who has been a SAHM for both of my kids, not a high flying career woman.

Every family is different. You might miss things, yes, but you will really enjoy your evenings and weekends together.

You sound like you really WANT to go back to work, and that’s the most important thing. A happy mother is what’s best for your child and nurseries are full of children with parents working full time. They know no different and are having a great time

Who is telling you you’re selfish?
You’re not, it sounds like you and your partner are being the exact opposite: planning sensibly and working together to create a good life for your child. Of course you can’t stay with your in laws indefinitely. Great that they’ve stepped in as a temporary measure but you need your own family space.
Mums used to return to work when babies were much younger than 8 months anyway. My first was 3 months when I returned, and all my mum friends who returned to work were the same. Our children are now grown up and fine.

Don’t let other people try to cloud your decisions with negativity.

Thank you for the responses.

My MIL was actually aghast when I said that we'd been looking at nurseries, actual words were 'but she'll miss out!' and kept saying 'poor baby!' I could've cried.

My grandmother said the same, too.

Sorry, not to drip feed but my OH is taking a salary drop to train next month. Nothing at all has been said about him working FT? I'll be earning about £10k more a year than he will if I go back to work. I thought it was a no brainier?

Yes, I really want to go back to work. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with DD, but I want to be earning money again too.

I'm genuinely jealous of OH working FT. I know how awful that sounds

Well it's alright for the older generations who could support a family on one salary isn't it, but that's just not possible these days. YANBU at all. And FWIW, even if financially you didn't need to go back to work, just wanting to have a career is enough of a reason and doesn't make you selfish. And you'll be showing your child that both men and women can have successful careers and a family :)

I don't think babies miss out by going to professional childcare in a lovely location built around their needs and having two loving parents with them every night, weekend and holiday.

Whether you as a mum miss out depends on you. If you always dreamed of going to baby swimming, church toddler group and so on, then you might feel like you are missing out as nursery is providing those opportunities. But if that's your idea of hell, or you are happy doing that at weekends but also love your work then you aren't missing out at all you are just getting a great balance. We're all different.

Ah the older generations. Maybe you’ve got opportunities which they didn’t have, and there’s a touch of envy mixed in? People can be really odd about things they didn’t do; they find it difficult to get their heads round.

I completely agree with the other posts. I work full time, because financially I have to and if I didn't we would have to downsize and we are not in a big house now and would not really have a quality life. But more importantly I needed to go back to work for me. I loved being off but I was ready to have another focus. I love my time in the evening and weekends and I try and get as many jobs done in the week, we also have a cleaner so I can spend my time with our dc. I leave work at 4.30 So I can spend some time at home and the do bath and bedtime each evening. You might want to see if you can leave at 4pm depending on your commute while they are young (I returned to work when the baby was 8 months). I'm home by 6 now. We have a mixture of childcare- family and a few days at the childminders and our dc is thriving. Even if I could afford not to work I would still want our dc to go to the childminders as we have found an amazing lady and it's been such a hugely positive experience for us. Do what is right for you and your family. My MIL was the same but I said financially we don't have a choice - I was on smp for the whole of it and then used savings to basically pay my 'salary' each month. Good luck!

You don't say whether you are married. One thing to consider is that if you are not and give up work then you are reducing your future earning potential and a partner will have no obligation to provide financial assistance if you split up. Your DD will be grown up and doing her own thing when you are in your mid 40's. It is a lot harder to start at the beginning of a career then.

Not putting down stay at home parents, I have often wished I could work fewer hours, but you need to consider what is right for you as well.

The most important aspect of a child's wellbeing and development when both parents work ft is the quality of childcare and the love and attention they receive from both their parents the rest of the time. As others have said, nobody believes a father is selfish for working, so why is all the guilt and accusations of selfishness on the mother's shoulders?

I went back ft when both mine were 10 months. I'm not going to lie. I found it very hard with my first. By the time I had my second, 6 years later, I had managed to work my way into a better paid, more flexible job and I now feel like I've got a great balance. It's great not struggling financially, particularly at a time when uniform costs for the eldest have become high. I'm even considering seeing if I can go 4 days a week at the end of this year. I doubt I'd have that option had I not carried on building my career and worked my way into my current situation.

Some women don't have a choice but to work ft. Some women choose to do it, and this isn't wrong either.

You're absolutely right to want to raise your child independently and it sounds like you're doing everything you can to do that. You should be supported.

In terms of your own feelings, you may well decide upon finding a ft job that it's too much, or that you want to spend more time with your child. That's not wrong either. But cross that bridge when you come to it (at which point you may well be in a better position anyway).

Good luck op.

YANBU. I strongly believe that the quality of your interactions with your child is far more important that the pure numbers of how many hours you spend with them. I grew up with a SAHM who didn't go back to work until I was at university. She was always very contemptuous of mothers who worked (even when their kids were at school) and said that they shouldn't have had children if their husbands couldn't support them to be SAHMs. Yet I never felt supported or listened to, all through my childhood and teens. I suffered badly from severe anxiety and OCD from the age of about 9 or 10, but I was always told by my mother that I was attention-seeking or making things difficult for her, or that I couldn't possibly be unhappy and have low self-esteem because she was a wonderful mother. My parents' marriage was toxic and my father had a very negative attitude to me (he told me in my twenties that he'd always disliked me, although we get on better now), but when I told my mother that my father's coldness and verbal abuse had made me feel bad about myself and relationships in general, she was surprised and said it had never occurred to her that it would have an effect on me.

Sorry, that was a bit long. Short version: parents should be there for their kids, but being there emotionally is far more important than 24/7 physical presence.