Army wife

[htillson]

My husband is in the army and has been stationed in Northern Ireland since we met. We just recently found out that we are expecting twins in March which was a big surprise but we are now over the moon. We bought a house last year just down the road from my parents and I got a very good job close to home too, the kind that doesn't come up very often in my hometown.

However, we have just found out that my husband is being posted to Hereford in October. I always said if he got posted I'd go with him unless I was pregnant. And now here we are. He doesn't expect me to go with him now and thinks he will come home every weekend but realistically, we couldn't afford that. We can't afford for me not to work either and if I left my job now, I wouldn't get paid maternity leave. I know I could go there once the twins are born for my maternity leave but is it unreasonable of me to want to be close to my mum when I first give birth and be settled in my own home rather than in some army pad? I just really don't know how I will cope being on my own with twins as a first time mother. My husband was planning on leaving the army in a year and a half but he can't sign off any earlier than that because he signed a retention to stay until then a couple of years ago.

I'd stay where you are and plan to spend some of your maternity leave with your husband too. As you say it's not forever as your husband is planning to leave.

My dad was in the army and my mum had my older brother when they were stationed in Germany, she knew no one and had a c-section. She said it was very very difficult.

Congratulations on your twins!

Your DH should get paternity leave for the first couple of weeks. Could your mum help you too? Can you afford a mother's help?

Absolutely no point quitting a good job to follow someone who could come out of the forces soon

And I say that as an ex Army wife (as in ex Army, not ex wife) who got together with DH 5 years before he left, managed him being posted to Germany for 2 years (me staying in UK), and having 2 children with him while he was still ‘in’ and posted 75 miles away (meaning he was away from home 3 nights a week)

It’s hard, but doable and you will reap the benefits.

That's a tough one, I know it sounds a bit daft but writing a pro con list could help you think it all through a bit more. I am an army wife. I was engaged to dh, he got posted to Germany and days later I found out I was expecting. I had a really good job and, like you, didn't want to be away from everyone and everything I knew. However, I did decide to go join him when I was 30 weeks pregnant and we stayed in Germany until dc1 was 1 year old. It was difficult but there is a really strong community in army families so I didn't feel alone. We moved back to the UK, had dc2 and then dh got a posting which was based in the UK a long way away and the nature of this posting meant he would be out of the country most of the time. We decided we would buy a house back 'home' and I would stay with the kids and he would come back each weekend he wasn't abroad. I am finding it so difficult to be honest. I have family close by but it's not the same as having someone there 24/7. I do now wish I had gone and had dh there each day (when he's in the UK) and just muddled through in the months he is sent abroad.
Obviously this is just how iv found it to be and I'm not trying to convince you to join him, just weigh it all up. Could you visit Hereford and get a feel of the community, support networks etc before you make any final decisions?

Can you move with him during your maternity leave and apply for a sabbatical from work after it’s finished?

I wouldn’t be leaving a good job in NI to follow your DH when he’s intending to leave the forces in 18 months. It’s one thing marrying a career soldier and knowing that’s what you’re signing up for, but I wouldn’t quit a job I enjoyed that rarely comes up for such a short period of time.

Could you visit Hereford and get a feel of the community, support networks etc before you make any final decisions? I'd do this if it's possible. I know loads of people in the army and was with someone in the army for a long time and most of them said their best times were in Hereford!

Also- weigh up whether it’s possible that he could be sent on tour while he’s posted in England.

I’d much rather spend those six months at home near my family that in army accommodation on my own.

If it weren't for the twins I'd think you were me!!! My (twin, ironically) DSis just linked me to this thread.

DH is also leaving in a year and a half and thankfully his latest posting is still in NI. However we've obviously discussed what would happen if he did get posted away and we've agreed that I would stay put. I wouldn't be leaving my job (which is pretty decent, like yours) and family to hightail it over to England when we're so settled here. It drives me mad them doing shit like this- aside from the impact on the spouse and marriage it's a massive waste of time and resources.

The fact you'll be on maternity does change things- you could move over with the DTwins once they're born. But then moving with newborns away from a family support network for the sake of a few months before he leaves comes with its own headfuckery, especially if his unit are like my DH's when it comes to leave bans, duties and fortnight long exercises (not to mention tours). You could potentially still be on your own but with no family to fall back on.

DH has mentioned that the army are one of the organisations who are doing that split maternity/paternity thing (haven't looked into it as it's a bit far off for us atm). Could that be a solution? It would mean that you could have him at home for a while after when they're still little, but the downside would be you'd have to go back to work sooner than you might plan otherwise. There is likely to be a cut in salary but it might not be so much when countered with flights and travel every or even every-other weekend.

DM me if you want.

I'd stay near family for the support. OK right now it's Hereford - but he could be deployed, or he could be posted elsewhere. Right now you need your mat leave and you need stability. Once you're on mat leave (which is likely to be early with twins) you can go and stay with him, possibly - or just tough it out till he's out and you can move on with normality.

I can't live with my OH because forces so I do get that it's hard. If we had children it would be the same because there is literally no work in my field where he lives, I'd have to tank my career and sell my house to go and live with him and it would overall cost us a fortune.

Being married unaccompanied is hard... but I think being accompanied and having much less money is harder in the long term. You're looking at him possibly being away for most of the babies' first year which is rubbish but not insurmountable. He could try and get a posting back in NI. Once you've gone back to work after mat leave you could reconsider your options. But YANBU to want definite concrete support when the twins are born.

I'm an ex army wife too I'd not bother for the sake of 18 months. I loved living away before we had kids but once i had them being far from home was hard especially with the amount of time they are away. I'm so glad we decided to move back when my older 2 were under primary age. I moved home 18 months before he signed off. I'm also in n.i.

Did you find any resolve in this OP?

I live in Hereford and I am due my second baby in March, there are lots and lots of army wives I have worked with over the years who have managed a work transfer or have had extra assistance in finding work here. Some of the wives I know have also waited a bit after their partner has come here to follow them as Hereford is a bit out of the way and it can take time to settle.

No real advice but I hope you are alright