to be sad that i cant remember the last time i was really happy.

[Noelle123]

NC for this as I wouldn't want anyone in real life to know what a loser I am.

I can't remember the last time I was happy, I used to be the funny one, the girl who was always smiling but since losing my job a year ago (I had to leave for medical reasons) I don't know what has happened to me.
People who I thought were my friends have abandoned me and now I don't have a single friend in the world, in fact I realised I went 2 weeks without talking to anyone except the Tesco checkout staff.
Yesterday was my 29th birthday and I had no one to spend it with so I went to the cinema on my own and cried throughout most of the film no because it was particularly sad but because I felt like such an idiot sat there by myself.
Everyone else my age seems to be married with a family by now and I've had to move back in with my parents (they're nice and very supportive but I just never thought i'd be back here)
I have a job interview next week and want to get back to work but the job is not a very good one, wages are crap and I have no self confidence as I had to have steroids while I was ill and am about 3 stone heavier than I was before and can't seem to shift the weight.
I know you can't turn back time but I constantly think about how happy I was 5 years ago - on a good career path, my own flat, going out 2-3 times a week, time seems to have passed so quickly.
I have no partner or children, my ex left me when I got ill as I seemed to be cramping his style - I thought we had our future planned out but now its all gone.

I know this was a long post but I would appreciate any advice or positive stories that any of you have.

It sounds like you have hit rock bottom. No wonder you feel so upset. I wrote a blog about my experience when I looked back at where I was 10 years ago. I had no friends, didn't talk to family, hated my job, an abusive partner, mountains of debt, diagnosed mental health issues and I wanted to kill myself.

When everything goes wrong, it can feel like you will never get it right again. But believe me you can. Just make some small changes and you can get there.

This job opportunity sounds like a positive step, even if it's not what you are looking for really. See it as an interview experience and you don't have to take it if it is that bad. Or it might turn out that you can take it on a temp basis while you get your confidence back, you might meet some new people and start build yourself back again. It's not too late, you don't know what positive things are just around the corner for you.

Oh you poor love. Have you seen a GP about this? You might be able to access counselling at least. At 29 I was in completely the wrong job (sat crying at my desk most days), not married, no kids, severe and chronic depression. I thought it could never get better, but let me tell you it really did. There's no need to compare yourself to friends - some of my friends were married with kids at that age, but they are different people. And having a husband and family ain't all sunshine and roses either, your happiness shouldn't depend on "getting" those things. They aren't achievements, they're just...events.

Sorry, not much advice to offer, but just wanted you to know that I've been where you are and I came out the other side x

This was my blog post by the way, I hope it helps you see that sometimes taking one small positive step can help everything good fall into place.

happyfreedotblog.wordpress.com/2018/05/22/a-letter-to-my-suicidal-self-10-years-ago/

Jeanie thank you for the link, what you've written is eye opening and I can connect to and understand so much of what you're talking about, right now its hard to think things will get any better for me but you have given me hope.

Oh thanks Noelle, I am glad it helped. I used to feel frustrated that I let things get so bad, but sometimes when one thing goes wrong it all comes crashing down. I totally appreciate how helpless you might feel right now. These days I am glad I went through what I did, as I appreciate things in my life so much more than other people seem to.

If nothing else, I think you need to try be your own best friend for a while. Sell yourself to a future employer, and start afresh with people. That popular, funny girl is still in there. I also started a degree in the evenings when I was trying to get a better career - is there a way you could do a course or pursue an interest so that you can meet people and develop your confidence / skills? Or even join a local Slimming World or exercise class if you want to try and shift a little weight. I know loads of people that have made a nice support network that way. The scariest part will be going into that first session, but it's all downhill from that initial step.

You're not that old, you still have ample time to find a man that deserves you and start a family. If you believe things can get better, I promise they will.

I just read an interesting book about loneliness, it's been quite popular in reading charts recently so I gave it a go - it's called 'Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine'. I thought it was a great story, so thought I would recommend in case you were interested.

You are still you OP. You've had a rough time tho' & that would knock anyone back. Don't be hard on yourself. Start building in things you enjoy to your routine and the job interview is a plus as it gives you interview experience if nothing else. If you dont get it, would you consider training course maybe, to build skills and confidence? A lot you can do online or at local college where you'd get out & meet people: & and support with fees is available via bursaries etc ask when you sign up.

I've been there, it does get better: I'm retraining & 'getting there'. In the short term I'd consider Counselling & try your local 'Meet up' website to make new friends, all ages & all kinds of activities are on there. Or volunteer, I've made great friends doing that at my local Rescue.

Oh love.

I can remember the last time I was happy. July 2006. I don’t think I’ve laughed since since then.

You aren’t alone.